HUMOUR | MEDIUM
If We Don’t Know Each Other, Please Stop Clapping for My Comments
This article is dedicated to all those who clap for my comments but don’t read my articles…oh wait, that means they won’t read this one either
I know, I know, the topic of clap-and-run has been written to death. But, if I had my way, everyone should write about it and convince Medium to remove the read ratio because that is unfair. Why should our earnings be hurt by those who clap-and-run? I understand that Medium’s intention is to determine the quality of your writing, because going by their logic, if your article sucks, a reader will click away before 30 seconds. For what it’s worth, I think they should factor in the claps for this situation. For example, if someone clicks away before 30 seconds BUT claps for the article, then we should be awarded a “read,” or at least the “view” should be disregarded, so it doesn’t affect the read ratio negatively. That seems fair, doesn’t it? I mean, if someone claps for my article (without reading it), surely that cannot be used as an indicator that my article sucks. Of course, it doesn’t mean that it’s good, but it also doesn’t mean that it sucks. Do you get what I mean?
Anyway, for today, I am going to write about something else, as you already know from my title. This issue actually gets on my nerves even more than clap-and-runs on my articles. I’m talking about a stranger clapping for ALL my comments. What I mean by “stranger” is someone who has never communicated before with me on Medium. I don’t really mind if my Medium friends clap for my comments, although I’d appreciate if you only clap for the comments that really, really, really resonate with you, because I have too many notifications. Every morning, there are at least a hundred notifications waiting for me, and this is not an exaggeration. My poor phone’s battery is drained every night from the constant stream of notifications. I guess I am super popular because who else receives tonnes of notifications of “so-and-so also highlighted bla bla bla”, and as mentioned, “so-and-so clapped for
The thing is, I don’t mind if you clap for my comments that are really funny. I know I can be witty although I’m no Elizabeth Emerald. I’ve been told that I’m funny by at least three people, and one of them was my grandma who passed away before I was born. For instance, I think that this article deserves to be published in Doctor Funny. (If you see this being self-published, it means the editors had rejected this unfunny piece, and I had forgotten to remove the previous sentence.)
Now, I know that this whole business of clapping-for-comments doesn’t even affect my earnings like clap-and-runs on my articles, but oh boy, I can’t stand how lazy these people are to draw attention to their own profile. Like, you can’t even be bothered to pretend to read my article so that I visit your profile and read yours. You just go through the comment section and blindly clap for all the comments.
I have a pretty good memory when it comes to useless stuff like my exes’ favourite toothpaste, the number of freckles on that guy who gave me his number while I was browsing for pots and pans in the department store, all the Baskin Robbins flavours, including monthly specials since 1996, and also names of people who clap for my comments. So, if I see your name appearing more than twice, I will block you. And then I will sing Another One Bites the Dust, loudly. I guess this is why my neighbour has been looking at me weirdly these days. We have thin walls. Either that, or it’s the fact that I walk around the apartment block in my pyjamas twice a day. I must confess, it is so satisfying to hit the block button. It’s actually one of my favourite activities on Medium. I enjoy it a lot more than writing.
If you think about it, it’s just weird, isn’t it? Imagine if it’s a real-life situation. You’re talking to your friend, and someone walks up to you, taps you on the shoulder, and exclaims, “Hey, notice me!” Isn’t that weird? Like I said, if my comment is super witty and funny, or if we are Medium friends, then it’s fine. But some of my comments are just generic comments such as “I loved this! Great article”, so don’t tell me you actually like every single one of them. Yes, yes, sometimes I leave such comments because I have nothing clever to add to the conversation, but yet I don’t want to pass up the chance to plaster a picture of my face in the comment section. Anyway, if you truly enjoy reading all my comments, you’d at least read and clap/highlight/comment on one of my articles. At least one. That’s not asking for too much, isn’t it? These are the types of notifications that I love, when they are responses for my own articles, instead of my comments on another writer’s articles.
There was a writer I followed for a while. She never read my articles but clapped for almost all my comments on other writers’ articles. I know she probably did this to all the comments in the comment section of her chosen article(s), but it still felt like she did it on purpose to annoy me. It was so annoying to receive three or four notifications in a row letting me know she had clapped for my comments. At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But then she kept doing it for about two weeks, so I finally had to block her. It also irritated me when she clapped for my comments on other people’s articles because it meant that she read their articles but not mine. I know, I know, I’m so damn petty and jealous. I should change my attitude. That will be my 2024 New Year’s resolution. I swear, it will be at the top of the list — “stop being so damn petty and jealous”. And right after that, “stop caring so much about weirdos on Medium”. Better yet, why not have a Medium-centric New Year’s resolution?
Let’s do this right now! It’s never too early for a New Year’s resolution. I’ve never actually done one, so now is the perfect time to start. What say you?
1. Stop being so damn petty and jealous of others on Medium.
2. Stop caring about weirdos on Medium.
3. Stop checking stats every hour. It’s impossible to catch a clap-and-runner, unless there is only one view and zero read. Then, I can 100% confirm that the person only pretends to read my article, and I can block their ass. RIP if the stats aren’t accurate.
4. Stop stalking Medium staff to see if there is a new article just so I could be one of the first to write about it. In Malaysia (and Singapore), we actually have this term called “kiasu,” which literally means “afraid to lose” in Hokkien Chinese. The English equivalent might be “FOMO” or “competitive,”. Anyway, yeah, stop being so damn kiasu.
5. Stop… hmm, what else to stop? Stop writing about Medium? Nah, this is how to earn money on Medium these days. It’s either rambling endlessly about Medium or getting a boost, and we will all know which one I do better. Usually my articles with “Medium” tags receive more reads than my regular articles. Of course, I’ve just jinxed it so there will only be single-digit reads on this article. Quickly knock on wood now. You, reading this right now, touch wood! Tocca ferro! Touch iron! Touch everything, just in case. Thanks!
Okay, I’m done with the New Year’s resolution. I am well aware that I have just been rambling again. At this point, the article is not even about claps for my comments anymore. Should I change the title? I can’t really think of a clever title now. I should learn to write better titles. Maybe I should have included that in my New Year’s resolution instead of the lame one I did earlier. I have also realised that all my resolutions began with the word “Stop.” People say that you should focus on the positive and not the negative.
I shall end the article abruptly now as I can see you looking at your screen with one raised eyebrow, contemplating whether to unfollow this drama queen. Just for your info, I check my followers list religiously, so I will know if you unfollow me. If you do, I will find you, and I will clap for all your comments.
P.S. For comments that are truly hilarious, you should check out these gems by Elizabeth Emerald
If you enjoyed this post and would like to support me, please consider buying me a coffee, instead of clapping for my comments. Thank you very much! https://ko-fi.com/samtzelin