If Today Were APOLOGY Day, To Whom Would You Apologize?
Who Deserves Your Sincere Apology?
I’m sorry I have done wrong to you. I have behaved in the most cruel, uncivil, and rude manner towards your feelings. I have disrespected your honor and dignity. I have cheated on you countless times and lied to your face, smiling while stabbing you from behind. I regret all I have done, and I hope you forgive me.
Today, as I stood in front of the mirror, I looked at the latest version of myself. With a beard that’s almost white from left to right and top to bottom and rough features, I could smell the exhaustion and tiredness. I looked ten years older than my actual age. What have I done to myself?
Last week, while talking to my friends and family members, I ran an experiment and asked them a reflective question right in the middle of the conversation. If today were apology day, who would you sincerely apologize to? An apology that would turn your face into a waterfall of tears and shatter your ego into pieces.
Regardless of what their generic answers were, none of them were interesting. Yeah, yeah… Everyone wants to apologize to their friends, parents, kids, or spouses for their misbehaviors, but none of them gave me an answer beyond a superficial level of reflection. I found it interesting that some of them have wronged me in the past, yet none of them had the courage to say that they would like to apologize to me. Quite fascinating!
I don’t want to apologize to my ex-wife for cheating on her; I don’t want to apologize to my dad for my misbehavior; I don’t want to apologize to my friends for my direct and harsh attitude. I don’t want to apologize to any of them because they were the ones who chose to be and stay with me in a relationship. They did me wrong, too, so I think our bad moves should just cancel each other out. It’s not arrogance; they had the choice to leave, yet they decided to stay. Don’t ask me to apologize for being myself. I don’t regret anything I did to anyone, no matter what I did, period! And, hey, by the way, how do I know what they have done behind my back? Would they sincerely apologize for it?
The only person I wish to apologize to is myself. Throughout my life, I have been in countless situations where I knew what to do to get myself out of them, yet I acted otherwise for the interest of others. I forced myself to endure others’ pain, to give everything I have to others, and to dismiss my feelings and wants for someone else so they can feel happiness and comfort. And what did I end up with? Those people leaving for the next happy ending party they find somewhere else.
I deeply apologize to myself for all that I’ve done. I have learned the hard way that self-love must come at the top of my priorities list. Why do I need to do things for others to make them happy, rich, or whatever else it might be? I’m the one who deserves to be the happiest, the richest, and everything else. Then, and only then, shall I care about someone else's happiness. The river can only flow if there’s water inside it; I can only provide what I have, so if I am the source, I should be the one who has to be full to pour out what I have.
In my opinion, humans don’t need to apologize to each other because they all share the same pool of human instincts and nature. When I do something bad to you through a specific behavior or action, you might reciprocate or act similarly towards someone else, each with different behaviors. Negative behavior is negative behavior; hurting someone is hurting someone, regardless of the method. How people perceive pain is subjective and depends solely on the depth and intensity of their emotions.
Now, here is the fun part of this piece. Day after day, I am growing more selfish, and I’m not feeling bad about it any longer because deep down, I know that day after day, I don’t have to face the mirror and apologize to myself any longer. I feel lighter and can breathe deeper. I can finally hear the music of the early morning birds again and feel the warmth of the sun tickling the surface of my skin, drawing a smile on my morning face. I’m finally alive!
This piece is neither a night of self-pity nor an invitation to join a party of narcissists. This is about whom you truly feel you need to apologize to; what I said was my most authentic response. Now, the mic is yours. Say that sorry to whomever you want, even if it’s to your sex toy or your hamster — no judgments!
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— © Nour Boustani 2024