“If There Was Something You Could Say to Pansexuals, What Would It Be?”

This is the final installment of the “interviewing people about their experiences with the ‘pansexual’ label” series. The first two parts are here and here, and all the Google Form results (i.e., including the ones omitted in this piece) are here. The title is the final question on the form, which I felt deserved its own story. Responses are edited when needed for clarity.

Harry

Stop assuming bisexuals are transphobic/panphobic/omniphobic or whatever and instead ask yourself where you’re getting these assumptions. Then ask yourself what makes you any different from a bi person in terms of who you’re attracted to, not how you’re attracted to them. Chances are that you’re bi but you think you deserve a more “progressive” label because you’re genderblind or accepting of trans people, when in reality bisexuals (including you) can be those as well without being pan or any other label.

Mia

(1) Listen to bisexuals. Bisexuals are the experts on bisexuals.

(2) Learn about bisexual history. It’s there and it matters.

(3) Go deeper with your sources of information about bisexuality, and the difference between bi and pan/omni. There are decades of writing by us about us but it doesn’t show up on the first page of Google in an internet article written based on another internet article (or about a celebrity being treated as an authority for regurgitating something they read in an internet article).

(4) Redefining bisexuality in a transphobic way gives people an excuse to be transphobic. It legitimizes trans/nonbinary exclusion when people can claim “I won’t date trans/nonbinary people because I’m bisexual.”

(5) Don’t be afraid to learn about your label (pan/omni) and its history, along with ours. If your definitions and history are correct, they’ll stand up to scrutiny and there’s nothing to worry about. If you’re wrong… wouldn’t you want to know?

Lisa

Stop letting the internet influence your decisions in life and talk to bi people in real life, I’m begging you.

Z

Please rethink the idea that bi simply means attraction to multiple genders. Lesbians can be attracted to women and nonbinary genders, but they’re not bi despite being attracted to multiple genders! (Same thing for gay men.) Once you do this, I encourage you to then consider whether you still feel bisexuality and pan/omnisexuality are really that fundamentally different.

Rezki

Just talk to more bisexuals, and not just bi people on Tumblr or Twitter who are in the exact same circles as you — talk to older bi people, to bi activists, to bi people who know this community and participate in it. Engage with bisexual spaces and LGBT spaces as a whole if you’re able to, and, again, not just LGBT spaces on Tumblr or Twitter that only include sheltered or isolated teenagers and young adults — even if you only have access to online spaces, there are many spaces outside of tumblr.com where you can talk to people with different experiences than yourself. Familiarize yourself with LGBT history — real history, as told by people who were there for it. Read books, not just Tumblr posts with no sources. Basically, get educated and learn more.

Leo

Bisexual community is rich and wonderful and so is our history. Why is it something you don’t want to reclaim for yourself?

Zac

You keep saying “most of us recognise we fit under bi” and yet you literally never refer to yourselves as bi or assume that explicitly bi stuff includes you? Either show you recognize it or admit you want to be (seen as) separate.

Em

I understand that you may be identifying this way because you’ve been given inaccurate descriptions of bisexuality, but there is no difference between the two labels. When you tell me that you prefer pan over bi, there is no way that you can explain it to me that doesn’t show biphobia. Pansexuality ultimately marginalizes bi people more. Please try and listen when bi people educate you on what the definition of bisexuality is. There is a lot of power and history in the bi label. If you choose to start identifying as bi you will find a community that is multi-faceted and complex and willing to accept you.

M

I know many of you have pure intentions, but you need to listen to the bisexual and trans/nonbinary communities when they say that every way the label is justified is harmful to them in some way. And if you are really as accepting and loving of the LGBT community as you say you are, you need to start supporting bisexuals and stop dismissing biphobia and speaking over us. This means the trans bisexual, the non-binary bisexual, the bisexual of colour, the bisexual man, the promiscuous “straight-passing” (ugh) bisexual woman, etc.

I can’t change how people choose to identify, but if you really do not wish to be associated with bisexuals (and please, ask yourself why you see nothing in common with us) you need to show us that you’re not coming from a place of ignorance and biphobia and fight for us too. Calling us “panphobes” and “exclusionists” when we express discomfort over your label only tells us that we are unimportant and our pain means nothing to you. Sexuality is not a brownie point system for inclusivity, and the LGBT community is not a cute little club of misfits and pretty flags. If we are not all seeking to defend and protect each other from harm, this community is pointless.

Alex

Immerse yourself in the bisexual community. It was a very effective and fast way for me to drop most of my negative views and thoughts regarding bisexuality and bisexuals. And they will find more people who have identities as something else and relate to their experiences alongside a lot of support.

Frankie

Words have power and can help you find community, but some labels are meant to be outgrown as they can foster essentialist thinking and alienate you from people. This is something I’m also working on, but ambiguity and disagreement are good; you have more in common with other people than you may think.

Nana

The justifications for pansexual needing to be a label are flimsy at best and the way the label changes so it can continue to be the most liberal and open label is really transparent that it’s not about who they are attracted to. It exists to uphold this appearance of moral superiority. Maybe they need to evaluate why a label like that is a “sexuality” at all.

Cindy

Please just listen to bisexuals, and not just the bis who agree with you, but especially the ones who don’t. Biphobia is present in every single community, including the bi community. And I know I can’t make you change, but please consider the harm you’re doing to the bi community and even yourself. Do the research and understand that bi people are mad for a reason. We are tired of being erased by everyone, including people who feel the same things as us! It hurts to see that there are people who hate the label so much that they’ll do almost anything to distance themselves from it, even tho we go thru the same things. Don’t just call us exclusionists. Don’t just listen to the bi people who agree with you, because they themselves may not even know how broad and beautiful bisexuality really is. So please, just listen to us.

Claire

Please take some time to consider why you choose to identify as pan/omni over bi. Like, why are you so uncomfortable with the idea that your identity is the same as bisexual? Why does it make you feel invalidated? Are there stereotypes you want to avoid? Do you have beliefs about the inclusivity of bisexuality? Do you think sexuality is based on preference or lack thereof? Just because an identity is comfortable doesn’t mean its right, and just because it’s uncomfortable doesn’t mean its wrong, that discomfort could be coming from an external source. Just think about it.

Lee

Everything stems from trying to one-up each other. Nobody knows the history of bisexuality as a label AND a diagnosis/description of psychological behavior. It’s all skin-deep stuff that doesn’t make sense if you actually learn about bisexuality beyond “bi means 2.” We are real people and we are absolutely affected by the idea we aren’t allowed to be trans or non-binary or not have a preference or whatever else. I shouldn’t be afraid to come out as non-binary and bisexual in safe spaces because of the worry that someone will say “aren’t those contradictory?”

Sophia

I continue to be frustrated with your insistence of using all of these different labels that lead to intracommunity fighting when we could instead be building a solid and inclusive community where a wide range of experiences are all accepted as being bisexual experiences. You are not inherently better or more progressive for using a different label. In fact, you’re erasing decades of bisexual activism in favour of choosing to coddle the feelings of people online who can’t seem to understand that these labels weren’t simply created to describe an experience, but to also form coalitions around so as to fight a similar cause. This isn’t a question of whether these labels are “valid” or not, but of what use they serve, materially speaking, to describe our lived realities.

Mera

I would ask that they educate themselves and, if possible, spend some time in real life LGBT spaces and/or getting to know bisexual people in real life. (I have known just one person IRL who identified as pansexual, and as far as I know they were not active in real life LGBT spaces). I would want to believe that many self-identified pan/omni/polysexuals are simply misinformed and that once they read up on bisexuality and its history, they will grow comfortable with the bi label and will understand how other “m-spec” sexualities are inherently biphobic.

I also understand that for people who do not know better, pansexual and other labels, unfortunately, can be easy labels for someone who knows they’re not straight but is not yet sure how exactly to define their attraction. I would want to emphasize to these people that not only does the bisexual label encompass everything that “pansexual” does, but the LGBT community altogether encompasses all the nuances of attraction that are described with MOGAI sexualities, and to believe otherwise is inherently homophobic, biphobic, and transphobic.

Nat

You are your experiences and feelings, a label is just a tool you use to describe them. If a label you’ve been using is problematic, don’t take it to heart because I know you can find another one that suits you that doesn’t have harmful connotations and find a community with people like you. Also, seriously, read any books on bi history and LGBT history in general.

Ari

Why isn’t bisexuality enough? Why do you feel the need to ignore and rewrite my history, YOUR history, when we have always been inclusive? Why do you claim to be so different but try to butt into bisexual spaces and make them about pansexuality?

Mattias

If you’re young, I understand that you are trying to be progressive and protect trans people. But pansexual is not more progressive, and you can love trans people in any sexuality.

Kayla

I’m not gonna try to make someone feel bad or guilty for labeling themself that way, especially young people, because figuring yourself out is hard enough without someone coming along and telling you that you’re doing it wrong. But I would ask people who identify as pan/omni/polysexual to a) do some reading and look into the history of bisexuality, the bisexual manifesto, and what the community has always stood for and b.) if they still use one of those labels, think on WHY they feel so determined to use those as opposed to bisexuality, perform a little self-examination, and see if the reason isn’t rooted in internalized biphobia that they should work on unlearning.

Barry

I would like them to realize how much their understanding of sexuality and gender has been shaped by cishet people. We lost so many great LGBT voices to the AIDS crisis that the cishet people that decided to take their place and lead the next generation of LGBT people created a very “we all have neat little boxes to fit every gender and sexuality into” and that’s why you couldn’t feel comfortable with those terms and felt like you needed to create something new to break out of them. But being gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender has never fit those boxes and they never will, and allowing cishets to erase the history of these identities and make us feel like we must create these “new” and “progressive” identities is so sad and such a disservice to our community.