If the Moon Could Love Again

An epistolary poem about finding a way beyond grief

“Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” - Shakespeare, Macbeth -

Grief is a painful process that we all must face at some time, either in ourselves or in those for whom we care deeply. You must face grief in your own way, in your own time, and in ways that cannot always be understood by others. For some it is a letting go, for others an achievement of understanding, and in some cases running away, in any way possible, to avoid facing the pain of it.

As painful as it was to re-live, my co-author helped me to capture the process I went through just a couple years ago. After a long two years of grieving, it all came down to a moment, a desperation in the middle of the night, an idea of how I could possibly live again... a letter.

We illustrate this in epistolary (letter) poetry, spoken word, and music, with insertions of additional small poems that I wrote while trapped in my deepest grief. It is our hope that this will be of help to those who may be experiencing such a deep loss. The ones we lose do not want us to suffer so. — Anneliese

You can listen and read along.

If the Moon Could Love Again

— — — — — — — ∰ — — — — — — —

Dear Johnny,

I awoke today in despair and tearful, anxious confusion, so early, with the dim opalescence of the moon outside my window. Something’s happening in me, and I really need you near. It’s you I need to talk to, somewhere we can be alone, in our favorite spot, if we can.

It will be such a difficult thing to go there alone with you in the earliest light of the dawn. It’s a really long drive, I know, but you love rides in nature, into the breezes of the Berkshires like we’ve done so many times when we walked those quiet woods. That’s where I want to go.

— — — ∰ — — —

I’m always chasing horizons, no patience to await the sun, for just the promise of you, a memory of dark eyes, a feel of your gentle touch, and the bold way you kissed me, like we’d always been lovers

— — — ∰ — — —

Remember how you made me laugh, there in that grove of aspens? God, you made me laugh so hard, that painful side-splitting kind of really really gotta-pee laughter that made me want to hit you but at the same time, Johnny, made me want to kiss you forever.

It’s gonna be a long drive, love, So, if you can… if you want, you can hold me the whole way, ’til we get to our favorite tree, gigantic, in the middle of the woods. I remember on our very first date, how you made me climb it with you high up into its enormous branches, and I was laughing and terrified.

Then we relaxed among the roots, on the blanket that I brought, and you kissed me so sweet. And later, love, weeks later, you took my hand and led me there to make love in its cool shade our very first time.

I’m sure you’re worried about me. I try, Johnny, I promise I do. I try to do better in my life. Dora, and everyone, is so nice, and I love her baby and husband, and I know they really love me. But they can’t help me with my heart.

When we go to the beach I keep wanting my lost love to appear, alive, for me walking out of the ocean in defiance of God and nature. And I’ve believed it would happen, because every day I’ve prayed that you will come back to me.

— — — ∰ — — —

I always told you if somehow I died and you lived, my love, time would still pass the sun would burn bright and the moon would still shine.

But it was you who died, and time stopped for me. I can no longer feel the sun, and the bright moon cannot ever love.

— — — ∰ — — —

I’ve been having a terrible dream, I drive too fast, going nowhere, my tears, like rain, blind me, and my wind-battered hair flies tangled and twisted like my heart.

I can’t run from my madness, but the road turns back the miles, and I am a runaway again, fleeing, my future, but not my past.

When I arrive at the place where I just can’t drive anymore, I cry to see myself standing there, a child slender as a willow branch.

— — — ∰ — — —

It’s hard to change, you know, struggling against the length, the depth, and breadth, of my raveled sorrows.

I melt in my terrible insecurities, an Angel with ruined feathers, hiding, fighting the urge to hide, and playing at not being me.

All this just to make it through a day of promises to myself.

— — — ∰ — — —

I’ve met somebody, Johnny. There I finally said it to you. It’s not easy for me to say without feeling I betray you.

But he’s somebody maybe I can love, maybe even have a life with, but I have you so deep in my heart that I cannot let you go.

I want to go to our special place, so we can say goodbye, Johnny, so you can help me let you go. Please, Johnny, help me.

Or maybe God will take me, and I can be with you again. This is the madness in me, thinking this impossibility, that leaves me weeping the nights that my faith just isn’t enough.

— — — ∰ — — —

I couldn’t be an Angel in life, when my skies were so storm-blackened, so I worshipped at your church, love, in your strong arms and in our bed. I saw so much of heaven with you, for in love, always, there is God.

— — — ∰ — — —

I never got to say goodbye to you, Johnny. Your parents blame me that you died, and banned me from your funeral. So, I’m bringing a box of everything, everything that reminds me of you, and we have all day to talk, under our great special oak tree.

I’m bringing that blanket of ours, and I will imagine you holding me, as I share my life now with you, about us, about me, everything. And I’ll tell you all about Daniel.

He’s so good to me, Johnny, and he’s so patient, so gentle, even though I push him away. I think maybe I love him if I can make room in my heart, if I can let you go somehow.

When I walk away, love, I will leave this letter, lying free among the roots of our beautiful tree…. I know I’ll love you forever, but I have to live without you.

-

I love you,

Annie

Epilog

Let me go

I never forget. I know you love me. I’ll never regret a second of memories, but why did I lose you? Why did God take you… from me?

I’m feeling hollow. Just let me go. But promise you’ll follow and not let me know. Just tell me you’ll love me, that you’ll always love me.

I see … I can’t live this way. Let me know that it’s okay if you promise never to leave but still let me go, please.

I want to try to rejoin the human race maybe some day to fly or possibly to amaze. I want you to see me as I try now to be me, again.

Thank you for reading and listening to our poetry. Here are some of our other writings, based on Annie’s life experiences, posted here on Medium.