Humor
If Our Dogs Took Us To The Doctor
[DOG DOCTOR] “Hey, there! So how’s Bev been doing?”
[MY DOG] “Good, good. Her hair is shiny. We W-A-L-K a lot.”
“Great! Let’s get her up on the scale.”
[ME] *refuses to move*
“Sorry, she’s a little stubborn. Come on, let’s get up there! Show the doctor what a good girl you are!”
“Looks like we’re going to have to lift her. Oompf, she might be a little overweight. What are you feeding her?”
“She gets into the garbage a lot. McDonald’s. Arby’s. It’s hard to keep her out of it.”
“Have you tried taking her car keys away?”
“Well, but then we couldn’t go to the you-know-what.”
“The P word? Hm. Her nails look a little long, would you like us to trim them?”
“She usually just chews them off.”
“And her teeth need a good cleaning — do you brush?”
“Sometimes. But nothing gets rid of coffee stains.”
“So, looks like she’s due for her shots. Ope, almost lost her out the door. Get back here, you scamp.”
“Poor baby. She really hates coming to the doctor’s office. Look at her, she’s shaking.”
“It’ll be over in a minute. And then you get a treat!”
[ME] “McDonald’s?”
“I’ve got some yummy carrot slices!”
[ME] “This is bullshit.”
“We might need to muzzle her. It doesn’t hurt her. It’s really for her own good.”
“Oh, I almost forgot, here’s a stool sample.”
“Great. We want to make sure she doesn’t have worms. We had a financial advisor in here yesterday that was just full of worms.”
“She scoots on the carpet sometimes.”
“She might need her anal glands expressed.”
“She calls it ‘yoga’.”
“Does she have a lot of toys to play with?”
“Does a phone count?”
“How about friends?”
“She’s a rescue. I don’t think she was socialized as a baby, but I have no way of knowing.”
“Interaction keeps their minds young. How old is she?”
“55.”
“Wow, that’s old for her breed. Her blood pressure is elevated. Is she under a lot of stress?”
“Ohhhh yeah.”
“I’m going to prescribe 20 skritches in the morning and some tummy rubs at night, lots of W-A-L-Ks, and I’ll see her back here again in a few weeks, okay?”
“Hey, don’t drag me! — Sorry, she really wants to leave. I have to pay! Stop embarrassing me!”
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