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If Our Cover Letters Were Honest

It’s just AI writing to AI at this point

Photo by Joshua Mayo on Unsplash and edited by author in Canva

Dear AI software scanning this letter for keywords,

I am on my knees begging you today for the opportunity to work at the company you serve in the Entry Level Position I just saw posted on LinkedIn. As you can probably tell, I don’t know much about this field or what this company even does, but this is my eighty-sixth cover letter this month and I’m running out of options.

I’m incredibly passionate about this company’s mission. In fact, I dream each night of sitting in a cold office for eight hours a day, attending meetings that could have been emails and replying to emails that should have been meetings. My greatest ambition in life, and this is somewhat of a fantasy of mine, is to successfully increase shareholder value.

I recently graduated from an esteemed (see: overpriced) university with a pretty average GPA and a Bachelor’s degree that matches about 30% of the requirements in the job description. They say to apply to jobs you’re underqualified for, but this might be stretching it. That being said, I’m the perfect fit for this role. You’d be hard-pressed to find someone as adequate as me.

As mentioned in my resume that also will likely never be perceived by a human eye, I completed an internship in a completely different field upon graduating from my esteemed university. To reference my, again, already submitted resume, I streamlined several processes, executed on results, and maximized profits all by myself with a large amount of support from my supervisor and the other interns. I am both completely self-sufficient and an enthusiastic team player.

I recently left another job using my own free will and not because they fired me for quiet quitting. In that position, I gained several skills such as knowing exactly how many seconds I had to click between the Wordle tab and the random Excel spreadsheet I always have open once I heard my boss’s distinct footsteps coming up the stairs. They’re quiet, but quick, and he always knocked his briefcase against the corner of the railing when he turned into the office.

My other skills include this copy-and-pasted list from the job description:

  • Adobe Suite: I Photoshopped my ex out of a picture once and it only took me two hours.
  • Google Suite: Yes, I can send an email. The question is, will I?
  • Technical writing: ChatGPT actually wrote this whole letter!
  • Detail-oriented: You’ll often find me asking hard-hitting questions such as “Who?,” “He said what?,” and “What did you do after you slashed the tires?” so I can gather all the necessary information before offering an educated response.
  • Excellent organizational skills: My system of writing nonsensical words on a Post-It note that I toss into my bag at the end of the day and can’t comprehend the next hasn’t failed me yet.

My skills and prior experience make me a perfect fit for this role. And since my resume wasn’t enough for you to get a sense of who I am and how badly I need employer-provided health insurance again, here I am shamelessly groveling for a job that I would loathe. Please, AI software, I need this.

Based on my qualifications, geographical location, and that new study that just came out about how the average salary a person needs to live in comfort in most U.S. cities is at least $96,500, my ideal salary range would be $60,000-$65,000, as per the job description and the fact that I don’t want to immediately disqualify myself for this position by asking for a salary that would offer me the ability to purchase things that actually make life worth living. I don’t need luxury goods like an occasional night out with friends or an emergency fund in case my 2005 Toyota Corolla breaks down again.

Thank you for your time and for considering me for this position. I look forward to never hearing from you.

Sincerely,

An AI software that added in several keywords from the job description upon my request

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