Extinction
If Momma Ain’t Happy Ain’t Nobody Happy
Mother Nature has a history with unwanted residents

I just read an article reporting that sperm counts in men worldwide are dropping like a stone, and within a few decades humans may require medical intervention to reproduce. The study attributed some of the cause to chemicals in the environment, which may be true but is not the real problem.
Screw everything the scientists are telling you, the only thing that makes sense is Mother Nature is finally tired of us and wants us gone.
And who could blame Her? As far as being stewards of the Earth, we suck. We can’t have nice things. She buried liquid dead dinosaurs, we pump them to the surface. Some of the dinosaurs get poured on the ground, some get dumped in the ocean, the rest get burned and now you can see the air.
Pro tip: if you can see the air, you’re doing it wrong.
It is true some humans try to respect the Earth every now and then, but it’s like that makes the rest of us mad. Maybe an environmental group says, “Hey, this area over here is ecologically important, maybe it should be preserved.” And the rest of us are like, “Screw that! Dig it up, maybe we can find some flammable dead dinosaurs under there!”
Our Mother gave us a need for food, but somehow we can’t just look at nature and eat what’s available. Instead, we rip out all the plants that are supposed to grow in a place and put in new ones that aren’t supposed to be there. When they don’t grow — duh — we dump fertilizer all over them. Then bugs try to eat them so we pour pesticides on top of that.
Could it be this screwed up accidentally? It seems more like we’re doing it out of spite, but either way this is clearly an abusive relationship.
Some people talk about how we should save the Earth before we destroy it, but what makes us think a breakup can only come from our end? What if, as far as nature is concerned, we’re a virus, and COVID-19 is just Earth’s latest antibodies in action?
After all, what does the human body do when it has an infection? Raise the temperature! Maybe global warming isn’t man-made after all! And was it an asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs, or an interstellar bug bomb? Mind. Blown.
Meanwhile, in addition to the falling sperm counts, studies indicate testosterone levels are also dropping. Many countries are having a problem with an aging population and fewer children being born. And it isn’t just men: why are women less and less likely to marry and bear children?
Check that, women not marrying makes complete sense to me.
That’s not Mother Nature trying to kill us off, it’s a reasonable response to Her joke on human females: she gave them an instinct to find an outie to fit their innie — which would be super cool if She hadn’t then attached those to men. Bummer.
Maybe it’s less about depopulation and more that the joke’s gotten stale. I could understand if the girls don’t find it funny anymore.
Fortunately for them, there’s not much a man can do that can’t be overcome with some discreet packaging and AAA batteries. (And as a bonus, it won’t get fat, miss the toilet, or embarrass you at parties!) They just need to keep a few of us around in case anybody wants to make babies*.
It has suddenly occurred to me that maybe Mother Nature isn’t dead set on getting rid of all the humans, just roughly half. On behalf of men everywhere, I would like to protest!
Except I can’t. Seriously, we can be obnoxious. Moms are patient, but sometimes there’s nothing to do but kick your son out of the house.
*** BREAKING NEWS ***
I’m being informed that in fact science can assemble a girl from scratch, no testes required. Sorry, guys. Been good to know ya’.