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OH MY GOD! EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH THIS! WOW!</p><p id="abed">Marty had attended the Fame high school two decades before, was an excellent fake crier, and her reactions really made you want to see Susan’s Kegels close up.</p><p id="625e">Honing in on Susan’s Kegels grossed Marty out — all the clenching and unclenching, but when Marty pretended Susan’s Kegels were some sort of landlocked clam on the nature channel, her brain could accept it. Susan also promised to take over carpools for a year, so Marty could finally safely drink in the afternoons.</p><p id="da7e">Susan knew if she lived in a less sexist world, her Kegels would be on a <i>Wheaties</i> box. If Tom Brady Kegeled, he would be Kegeling in those stupid Hertz ads. He would Kegel and say, “let’s go” in that excruciatingly bland voice of his. Men would be Kegeling proudly in the office, at sports events, quoting Brady’s Kegel mantra “let’s go.”</p><p id="7cd4"><i>But that’s not where we live, is it ladies?</i> Susan said to her viewers in her daily vlog. So many thumbs up emojis. So many clapping vagina emojis.</p><p id="784e">On Twitter, Susan tweeted, <i>my pelvic floor is so intact and strong, my Kegels could crush a meteor on its entry onto the planet. I’d be a hero! My Kegel has cracked actual nuts</i>. Her one male viewer unfollowed her.</p><p id="fd95">It agonized her there wasn’t a competitive Kegel event somewhere— even at the local Y or at the church. It was frustrating being so good at something and not being able to compete in it.</p><p id="ac26">She found opportunities to mention her Kegelian strength at baby showers and weddings, but unless she pulled down her pants and showed how she could hold a pencil and sign her name just by clenching, people didn’t get it.</p><p id="4807">In the meantime, other moms continued to socially eclipse her. She Kegeled sadly on her trampoline as her gift went uncelebrated. She watched as lesser moms reclined in lawn chairs sucking up lattes with their weak vaginal floors.</p><p id="4910">She knew if men could Kegel, all the dads would stand on the sidelines, pantsless, clenching and squeezing at the admiration of their brothers, dreaming one day their sons would be Kegeling on a Wheaties box, but that’s not the world we live in.</p><p id="2c23">Thanks, Betsy Denson for editing and Andrew Rodwin for attempting the first male Kegel.</p><p id="fe4d">Want more Amy Sea?</p><div id="2bd9" class="link-block"> <a href="https://aculberg007.medium.com/subscribe"> <div> <div> <h2>Get an email whenever Amy Sea publishes.</h2> <div><h3>Get an email whenever Amy Sea publishes. If you want to laugh or read about breasts, I'm your writer! By signing up…</h3></div> <div><p>aculberg007.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*zC7KkErJvTkbv2Hq)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="8e38" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/this-is-what-my-truman-show-looks-like-b21f49f82e83"> <div> <div> <h2>This Is What My Truman Show Looks Like</h2> <div><h3>Under

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YOU CAN DO WHAT, SUSAN?

How to Make Tighter Penises

Wheaties for muscular vaginas

https://www.pexels.com/photo/blue-and-red-superman-print-tank-top-shirt-38630/ GREATEST KEGELER OF ALL TIME(GKAT) adapted by Canva

Yesterday, a local woman named Susan, reached 1,000,000 Kegels while jumping on a trampoline at her son’s soccer match. She contacted The Guinness Book of World Records when she reached 500,000 Kegels, but they said two things to her. One, how the hell can you prove that? Two, that’s disgusting. This is a kids’ book.

Susan wanted it to be enough that she knew and God knew about her Kegels, but it wasn’t. She brought the trampoline to the kids’ soccer games so, at the very least, the other moms would know. They knew. Any woman who can jump on a trampoline for two hours straight after having four children has an unflappable pelvic floor.

The other moms never came up to her and acknowledged it, but jealousy can cause tight lips. Complimenting her floor would have opened up the conversation they probably didn’t want to have.

Wow, Susan. That’s some pelvic floor!

Thanks, Barb. How’s yours?

Why would any of the other moms want to humiliate themselves like that? Susan contacted a publicist because she had no idea how to market her gift.

There has to be a way to let people know about my fierce pelvic floor, she pleaded with the male publicist, probably a bad choice. I’m in my late 40s. I’m a vaginal miracle.

The publicist said he wanted to help but he couldn’t get his head around what Susan was asking him to promote.

What do you want out of this? He asked her. Susan couldn't put it into words. She just kept flexing her vagina and pointing down at it.

My pelvic floor is a Gethsemane level miracle, she cried. He didn’t get it. Men didn’t get it. They didn’t understand the superpower of not peeing in your pants when you laughed, still being able to clench down in any situation, the dedication it took to maintain parts invisible to the outside world.

Her reluctant publicist, who had been promoting male grunting during weight lifting for 40 years said three things to Susan. One, people don’t want to think about women's vaginal workouts. Two, I can’t figure out who to promote you to. Three, I am working on promoting male lingerie to CIS males at the moment and it is proving more challenging than I hoped. Tighty whities are too big to fail.

Susan started a YouTube channel. She hired her best friend, Marty, to do reaction videos to her Kegels. Marty was outstanding.

OH MY GOD! Marty would howl. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I WISH YOU GUYS COULD SEE THESE! WHAT? HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IS SHE EVEN HUMAN? THIS IS AMAZING! HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS BEFORE? OH MY GOD! EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH THIS! WOW!

Marty had attended the Fame high school two decades before, was an excellent fake crier, and her reactions really made you want to see Susan’s Kegels close up.

Honing in on Susan’s Kegels grossed Marty out — all the clenching and unclenching, but when Marty pretended Susan’s Kegels were some sort of landlocked clam on the nature channel, her brain could accept it. Susan also promised to take over carpools for a year, so Marty could finally safely drink in the afternoons.

Susan knew if she lived in a less sexist world, her Kegels would be on a Wheaties box. If Tom Brady Kegeled, he would be Kegeling in those stupid Hertz ads. He would Kegel and say, “let’s go” in that excruciatingly bland voice of his. Men would be Kegeling proudly in the office, at sports events, quoting Brady’s Kegel mantra “let’s go.”

But that’s not where we live, is it ladies? Susan said to her viewers in her daily vlog. So many thumbs up emojis. So many clapping vagina emojis.

On Twitter, Susan tweeted, my pelvic floor is so intact and strong, my Kegels could crush a meteor on its entry onto the planet. I’d be a hero! My Kegel has cracked actual nuts. Her one male viewer unfollowed her.

It agonized her there wasn’t a competitive Kegel event somewhere— even at the local Y or at the church. It was frustrating being so good at something and not being able to compete in it.

She found opportunities to mention her Kegelian strength at baby showers and weddings, but unless she pulled down her pants and showed how she could hold a pencil and sign her name just by clenching, people didn’t get it.

In the meantime, other moms continued to socially eclipse her. She Kegeled sadly on her trampoline as her gift went uncelebrated. She watched as lesser moms reclined in lawn chairs sucking up lattes with their weak vaginal floors.

She knew if men could Kegel, all the dads would stand on the sidelines, pantsless, clenching and squeezing at the admiration of their brothers, dreaming one day their sons would be Kegeling on a Wheaties box, but that’s not the world we live in.

Thanks, Betsy Denson for editing and Andrew Rodwin for attempting the first male Kegel.

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Feminism
Satire
Humor
Kegels
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