If I Don’t Do Everything I Will Have Nothing

A review and reflection of It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn

I wrote this a few months ago, while recovering from a c section.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the book It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn was passed my way at the end of a therapy session. I had it in my possession for months before finally delving into it. I’ve been spending the last few weeks recovering from the birth of my baby and I’ve used the majority of my downtime to catch up on reading books that had fallen to the wayside during pregnancy.

This book has been the most impactful of the books I’ve read during my recovery and likely one of the most impactful books I’ve read ever in my life. Below, I’ll share a few of my favorite quotes from this book and how I’ve applied this information to my own life.

The Core Language Approach

Prior to reading this book I was already familiar with the fact that generational trauma has an impact on our lives but I hadn’t spent much time reflecting on exactly how my family’s trauma impacted me.

Wolynn uses “The Core Language Approach” as a way to help individuals uncover their subconscious thoughts and feelings that help drive certain behaviors. Every family has trauma and that which goes unresolved is unconsciously passed down to each generation until someone does the work to resolve their trauma so as to not pass it down to their own children.

The core language approach starts with asking yourself,

“What is my greatest fear?”

You’ll want to spend some time journaling freely. Don’t edit yourself and actually try not to think much about what you’re writing. Just write what first comes to mind. Continue delving into the question by asking yourself questions like:

• Why is this my greatest fear?
• What is the worst thing that could happen to me?
• And then what would happen?

By asking these questions you can uncover your core sentence. This sentence can help you figure out what family events have led to your feeling this way and help you resolve these issues.

One word that kept repeating itself in my journaling was “accountability”. I found this interesting since I often get very frustrated when it comes to others not being held accountable. Likewise, I hold myself fully accountable for certain expectations and tend to feel incredibly disappointed and angry at myself when things don’t go to plan.

I found that my own core sentence was:

“If I don’t do everything, I will have nothing.”

I often struggle with over extending myself. I have a hard time delegating. I frequently fall into the mindset of, “I have to take care of myself because no one else will.” This can lead to severe burnout.

Unsurprisingly, my mom set a similar example in my own upbringing. She worked hard as a bartender to support my siblings and I and was often tired, stressed out, and emotionally absent. Because I felt emotionally disconnected from her, I coped by developing a sense of independence. Rather than wallowing in the fact that certain needs were going unmet, I decided, “I don’t need anyone, I can go out and get the life I want for myself.”

For this reason, I jumped into working as soon as I was old enough and started saving money right away. As soon as I turned 18, I started paying for my own car insurance, phone bill, and basically supporting myself in every area where I needed to.

Although, this story seems pretty positive since it comes off as sounding like I was coping in a positive way, it’s not actually very healthy. As I’ve carried this mindset into my adulthood it’s manifesting negatively in my relationships, career, and mothering.

These days, I tend to hold myself entirely accountable for things that aren’t even in my control. I take on a workload that is unrealistic for any one person to achieve. Then, when things don’t get done the way I’d like them to, I take it out on those around me.

This information was especially impactful since I happened to stumble upon it during a time in my life when I truly had no choice but to rest (while recovering from my second C-section).

As I watched the chores I once completed every day pile up and up and up, I had to go way out of my way to actually rest, even while recovering from major surgery. I had moments when I felt conflicted and frustrated because I just wanted to be doing more.

One day, I decided enough was enough — I was ready to start feeling productive again. It was only about a week after giving birth when, for the first time in a while, I felt less sore and thought I could tidy up the house a bit — something I’d been dying to do for a while. I picked up a few items but quickly felt exhausted and could feel the pain creeping back in, so I decided to sit down. I felt mad that I couldn’t do more.

Finally, I let it all go. I lay in bed, closed my eyes, and surrendered. And that’s when these words popped into my head:

You will be taken care of.

It felt like God’s voice within me reminding me that I didn’t need to take on the burden of doing everything. I could sit back and let certain tasks go undone and it wouldn’t mean the world would end. My family wouldn’t starve to death if I delegated meal preparations. My home wouldn’t crumble beneath me if I didn’t pick up the clutter right then and there. God is with me and he’s going to make sure that I get taken care of, even in the moments when I can’t do so for myself.

Significance of Relationship with Mother

Wolynn places plenty of emphasis on the importance of our relationships with our parents but more importantly, our mothers. An early separation from our mother (physical or emotional) can have a lasting impact on the way we view the world.

“On many levels, the images we hold of “mother” and “life” are interrelated. Ideally, a mother nurtures us and makes sure that we are safe. She comforts us and gives us what we need to survive when we are too small to give it to ourselves. When we are cared for in this way, we begin to trust the feeling that we are safe and that life will provide us with what we need. After repeated experiences of getting enough of what we need from our mother, we learn that we can also give ourselves what we need. In essence, we feel that we are ”enough” to give ourselves ”enough.” Life, in collusion, then seems to bring us what we need. When the connection with our mother flows freely, good health, money, success, and love can often seem to flow our way.” — Mark Wolynn It Didn’t Start With You

As a mom myself, it is hard to read that paragraph without feeling some pressure to be, well, “enough”.

I felt a little nervous reading this book and thinking about any damage that might have already been done to my children. The good news is that it is never too late to mend a broken relationship. I know this first-hand because my mother and I are now closer than ever before.

Since I’ve just welcomed my second baby, I feel a lot of nervousness about the wedge it may drive between my older child and I. However, I’ve realized that the closeness we fostered prior to the baby’s arrival laid down a great foundation for us to build off of. For that reason, the challenges we face now won’t ruin us. Our relationship is strong, resilient, and evolving. We are growing through this change rather than suffering because of it.

Your Relationship With Your Parents Influences Your Romantic Relationships

Wolynn also blew my mind when he shared some information about how our relationships with our parents can impact our romantic relationships.

“As long as we remain caught in the web of family patterns, our relationships are likely to struggle. When we learn, however, to untangle the invisible threads of family history, we can unravel their influence upon us.” — Mark Wolynn It Didn’t Start With You

He gave an example of a couple he worked with. The wife came from a long line of women who felt unsatisfied by their husbands for a variety of reasons. Her mother was also emotionally absent throughout her childhood. She described her mother as “not being enough”, she also described her husband as “not doing enough” for her.

The husband in the relationship grew up with a mother whom he had to help care for. He always felt like needs were going unmet that were his responsibility to carry. Now, in his marriage, he felt that his wife had unrealistic ideas of what he needed to do for her, “she needs too much”.

Once the couple was able to recognize the biases that were being carried from their childhood, they were able to let their issues fall away and get back to focusing on the love they had for one another.

The more I read this book and the more revelations I had, I felt a lightness wash over me. I slowly became more and more aware of my thoughts as things drifted closer to the surface.

On Rejection: It is Easier to Feel Anger Than Sadness

Another significant section of this book was where Wolynn discussed the challenges that come with rejected family members. This quote spoke volumes to me:

“When family members lead unhappy lives or suffer an extremely difficult fate, it’s often easier to reject them than to feel the pain of loving them. Anger is often an easier emotion to feel than sadness.” — Mark Wolynn It Didn’t Start With You

I’ll leave you with this since it wouldn’t be fair of me to give away the entire book. Rest assured, the examples I’ve given here only scratch the surface of the impactful information that is available in this book. Not to mention, every reader will find that this book relates to them in their own unique way.

Reading this book was a major piece of a healing journey for me and I’m just so glad that it was recommended to me. I hope it helps you too.