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f">I’d tell <a href="https://www.dianelee.com.au/dave-fitzsimons-running/">my friend</a> that it wasn’t the stress and overwork that was making him feel so ill and awful. Instead of nodding sympathetically and commiserating with glib solidarity, I would have urged him to see a doctor. Maybe then, he wouldn’t have died of cancer less than a year later, painfully aware that he still had a lot more living to do.</p><h2 id="ab9b">If I could turn back time…</h2><p id="c84c">I’d tell the 13 year old boy with the cheeky sense of humour and the spirited twinkle in his eye — and who happened to be a student in my English class — to <a href="https://crimestopperssa.com.au/media-releases/what-happened-to-michael-modesti/">watch his back in 2016</a>. I would have urged him to think about the decisions and choices he was making as a young man and to stay away from drugs. Maybe then, he wouldn’t be missing, presumed dead, some 20 years later.</p><h2 id="9e0d">If I could turn back time…</h2><p id="916f">I’d tell my building facilities manager — who I’d never actually dealt with in person, only via email or phone — to take that overseas trip <i>before</i> she retired. I would tell her that if she waited until she retired, she would have a brain aneurysm not long after and pass away within six months. Maybe then she would see the world she so longed to travel, the world she put off seeing because work was always her number one priority.</p><h2 id="9319">If I could turn back time…</h2><p id="f1b2">I’d tell the woman that the handsome Vietnamese man she was dating who seemed trustworthy, was, in fact, not. I would tell her to <a href="https://www.dianelee.com.au/midlife-unravelling/">ignore his words</a> about destiny and his kind, thoughtful and reliable actions and look at his patterns of behaviour. I would tell her that she should not have ignored her instincts because her body knew exactly how toxic he was. Maybe then, she wouldn’t have ended up with acute liver failure that took six months to fix.</p><h2 id="c4d1">If I could turn back time…</h2><p id="16fe">I’d tell the young girl who loved stories to turn her love for the written word into being a writer. I would tell her that she herself is a story-teller and can spin words into wonderful tales, and tell awesome real life stories that people love. Maybe then she would have floundered less in this world, and been clear about the direction she should have always taken. It’s where she’s ended up anyway, and it would have saved her (me) a whole lot of time.</p><h2 id="82f5">If I co

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uld turn back time…</h2><p id="f287">I would tell my sister not to marry the nice, caring, attentive man whose neediness camouflaged an alcohol problem. I would tell her that his issues will not improve with marriage, and will, in fact, get worse. She will be controlled by his passive aggression and alcoholism and will lose herself keeping the peace. Maybe then she wouldn’t be heading into middle age unhappy and depressed and wondering if she can escape.</p><h2 id="297a">If I could turn back time…</h2><p id="3b73">I would tell the bubbly girl who rescued animals and whose smile lit up a room not to ride her bike to work that morning. Maybe then she would have made it, instead of being hit by a car whose driver couldn’t see her in the morning fog. I would tell the other bubbly girl who I hadn’t seen for thirty years to wait for her Uber after the wedding reception, or call another one, and not walk along the poorly lit highway at night. Maybe then, she too, would have made it home.</p><h2 id="7d07">If I could turn back time…</h2><p id="a962">I would tell my friend of 30 years that she isn’t responsible for the death of her mother, and to let the guilt go. I would warn her not to marry the charming, handsome, glib man she met online who would break her heart more than any other man. Maybe then should wouldn’t have been devastated by his betrayal just six short years after she said I do, and be forced to rebuild her life when she should be easing into retirement.</p><h2 id="acde">If I could turn back time…</h2><p id="d581">I would not have listened to the false friend who advised me that starting a company in Vietnam would solve my visa issues. Maybe then I wouldn’t have swapped one set of complicated problems for another set of even more complicated problems that have caused me nothing but anxiety and worry and stress. Instead, I would have invested in the social enterprise start-up that looked like it wouldn’t make it past the first year.</p><h2 id="fc36">If I could turn back time…</h2><p id="e388">I would realise that my life is rich and interesting and delicious enough without a partner, and that in fact, seeking out romantic attachments and entanglements is not something that aids and abets my emotional, physical and spiritual health. Maybe then I wouldn’t have wasted all that time and all that I am chasing an <a href="https://www.dianelee.com.au/the-ex-files-to-all-the-men-ive-loved-before-part-1/">impossible dream</a> of acceptance and love and validation. The drama that just isn’t worth it.</p></article></body>

If I Could Turn Back Time…

What would I do differently?

Image by Tomasz Mikołajczyk from Pixabay

They say that hindsight is 20/20, so if I could go back in time, what would I change? What would I do differently?

If I could turn back time…

I’d ignore the persistent gnawing deep in my being urging me to be a mother, forged in the complicated dismothering of my own mother. Motherhood, for me, has been an empty, fraught experience characterised and underscored by a continuous cycle of quasi-betrayal that I could never have anticipated. Unconditional love, it turns out, has conditions — especially when it’s packaged up in unresolved, trans-generational trauma.

If I could turn back time…

I would have left Vietnam at the first sign of near-death trouble, which was extreme, dangerous and reckless and one that I forgivingly and stupidly downplayed. Maybe then, some three years later — because of the choices I made based on rose-coloured glasses, a say-yes-to-anything-attitude and foolish naivete — I would not be in a country that is not mine, waiting, waiting, waiting until I can return to the land from whence I came.

If I could turn back time…

I would be deeply suspicious of anyone I’m not related to using the word family to describe our friendship. I would watch for the divergent, tell-tale signs of bravado and an unquenchable thirst for pity and steer clear. Family, as much as I desired to belong to one, has not been a situation that enhances my emotional well-being or shelters me from the battering, relentless waves of life. Friends who say they are family are no different.

If I could turn back time…

I’d tell my friend that it wasn’t the stress and overwork that was making him feel so ill and awful. Instead of nodding sympathetically and commiserating with glib solidarity, I would have urged him to see a doctor. Maybe then, he wouldn’t have died of cancer less than a year later, painfully aware that he still had a lot more living to do.

If I could turn back time…

I’d tell the 13 year old boy with the cheeky sense of humour and the spirited twinkle in his eye — and who happened to be a student in my English class — to watch his back in 2016. I would have urged him to think about the decisions and choices he was making as a young man and to stay away from drugs. Maybe then, he wouldn’t be missing, presumed dead, some 20 years later.

If I could turn back time…

I’d tell my building facilities manager — who I’d never actually dealt with in person, only via email or phone — to take that overseas trip before she retired. I would tell her that if she waited until she retired, she would have a brain aneurysm not long after and pass away within six months. Maybe then she would see the world she so longed to travel, the world she put off seeing because work was always her number one priority.

If I could turn back time…

I’d tell the woman that the handsome Vietnamese man she was dating who seemed trustworthy, was, in fact, not. I would tell her to ignore his words about destiny and his kind, thoughtful and reliable actions and look at his patterns of behaviour. I would tell her that she should not have ignored her instincts because her body knew exactly how toxic he was. Maybe then, she wouldn’t have ended up with acute liver failure that took six months to fix.

If I could turn back time…

I’d tell the young girl who loved stories to turn her love for the written word into being a writer. I would tell her that she herself is a story-teller and can spin words into wonderful tales, and tell awesome real life stories that people love. Maybe then she would have floundered less in this world, and been clear about the direction she should have always taken. It’s where she’s ended up anyway, and it would have saved her (me) a whole lot of time.

If I could turn back time…

I would tell my sister not to marry the nice, caring, attentive man whose neediness camouflaged an alcohol problem. I would tell her that his issues will not improve with marriage, and will, in fact, get worse. She will be controlled by his passive aggression and alcoholism and will lose herself keeping the peace. Maybe then she wouldn’t be heading into middle age unhappy and depressed and wondering if she can escape.

If I could turn back time…

I would tell the bubbly girl who rescued animals and whose smile lit up a room not to ride her bike to work that morning. Maybe then she would have made it, instead of being hit by a car whose driver couldn’t see her in the morning fog. I would tell the other bubbly girl who I hadn’t seen for thirty years to wait for her Uber after the wedding reception, or call another one, and not walk along the poorly lit highway at night. Maybe then, she too, would have made it home.

If I could turn back time…

I would tell my friend of 30 years that she isn’t responsible for the death of her mother, and to let the guilt go. I would warn her not to marry the charming, handsome, glib man she met online who would break her heart more than any other man. Maybe then should wouldn’t have been devastated by his betrayal just six short years after she said I do, and be forced to rebuild her life when she should be easing into retirement.

If I could turn back time…

I would not have listened to the false friend who advised me that starting a company in Vietnam would solve my visa issues. Maybe then I wouldn’t have swapped one set of complicated problems for another set of even more complicated problems that have caused me nothing but anxiety and worry and stress. Instead, I would have invested in the social enterprise start-up that looked like it wouldn’t make it past the first year.

If I could turn back time…

I would realise that my life is rich and interesting and delicious enough without a partner, and that in fact, seeking out romantic attachments and entanglements is not something that aids and abets my emotional, physical and spiritual health. Maybe then I wouldn’t have wasted all that time and all that I am chasing an impossible dream of acceptance and love and validation. The drama that just isn’t worth it.