If I Could Disappear

Many incremental things can fill your life and spill over to make it better for others.

I sat gripping my steering wheel. I was frozen, parked in my running car, rivers of tears ceaselessly flowing while my nose chimed in, running over my lips and down my chin. My thoughts shot around my brain, back and forth like a pinball machine. The loud hum of the blowing heater attempting to warm the car dulled my stirring anxiety, fear, and anger.

Why was I still here? What purpose needed me? What little I can do or contribute doesn’t matter? Wouldn’t my family be better off without me? I wanted to disappear from this Earth. Not drive away from my family or leave them alone, just be done. Like I didn’t know how to give anymore when I couldn’t properly care for myself. I called my Mom from my car. I was trying to describe the thoughts overwhelming me. She listened a lot then talked through my thinking and distorted reasoning one by one. That was over 12 years ago, and a reaction to a new medication partly caused the mental break. That was the one time I could tell not all of the manic thoughts were mine and was teetering on suicidal thinking that I didn’t want to play out. Locking myself in my car without going anywhere and calling my Mom saved my life.

The next day, I called my doctor and got off the medication. Over the years, I felt small, insignificant, and a failure plagued my daily existence not manifested by medication. At the time, I couldn’t see all the actions I thought were small did make a big difference in someone else’s life. Why must we break before we ask for help? We are all here in this world together to help, support, and encourage each other. We grow more vital to a purposeful life as one unified.

Small acts do matter.

I want to be the voice to tell you. You do matter. Every day you can change someone else’s day for the better. Many others do have a better life because you are here. It doesn’t need to be front-page news to change a life. Look at the details of your story.

As I went through my Eating Disorder recovery, I observed and pulled out events that didn’t take a lot of time or were just a daily task but became highlights in my life.

As a YMCA child-care worker, I had a work-from-home Dad come in frustrated, hopeless, and anxious with his Downs syndrome three-year-old son. Shaking, overwhelmed, and depressed about his day and challenges with his children plus wife out of town. His words jumbled while deciding if he should go home or stay. I knew leaving then wouldn’t solve any of his worries. I asked him to give us 30 minutes. We would take care of his son. The little boy would be happy and cared for while he took that time for himself. He didn’t need to go work out. He could step away, sit, and breathe through it. He reluctantly but relieved, signed the child into our playroom with our excellent nurturing staff. We walked out to the lobby. He unloaded his worries and weight of the day on my welcoming ear and compassionate heart for his situation. The scrunched angered lines in his face began to soften as his words slowed. We talked about faith and purpose and handling things with Christ’s strength in him. We talked about asking for help whenever he needed it. God put me there to help. I didn’t do much but it made a massive difference in this man’s life at that moment.

I still, ten years later, see this Father around our community every once in a while. He stopped me to thank me for the day he averted a total nervous breakdown and how I helped. He never forgot our conversation and how just giving him 30 minutes changed the whole path of his day.

Leave them with a smile.

When I worked in a local grocery store and bakery, we believed work was our pleasure for our customers. Wednesdays were Senior days when many of our older customers had the most social interaction all week. Assisting with shopping, taking special orders, carrying out their groceries, or providing them with a single loaf of bread for their week seemed like tiny acts of kindness. I had a couple that would come in every week between cancer treatments for the wife. The store was one of the few support systems left in their lives. They would make sure to look for me to say hello, and often ended up sharing joyful family stories or chapters of their lives I was privileged to hear.

We need to treat every day like this one day. Imagine you are the only person someone in your path comes across today. They don’t need to be a customer or while you are on the job. Focus, listen, acknowledge them or their need. If you give them kindness, you may learn something too and always leave them with a smile.

Don’t disappear or give up but show up with people beside you.

In my daily life, I have the immense honor of caring for two young children. I am overwhelmed with gratitude when they randomly say, “I love you,” and give me hugs. They stop what they are doing or playing to say this. It shows me the actual value of my small act of being fully invested and present for them. The importance of their honest, genuine love in my life has been immeasurable.

Don’t disappear or give up. You do matter. Even the acts that seem inconsequential and small can change a person’s life and put them on a positive path or add joy to their day. Your help can make a difference.

Insurmountable fear and unbearable pain can stop you from asking for help yourself. Remember, we, this nation, community, and family are in this world together to grow better than when we got here.

Slow down. Be still. Listen. Be there for each other. Stand beside someone. They can ask for help, or you can offer it before they break. Just give me a few minutes to show you all the difference it can make.

Thank you for reading. If you liked this story, please check out one of my other articles.

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