If I Could be ‘Queen for a Day,’ No One Would Own Pants

Summary

Crystal A. Walker expresses a strong aversion to wearing pants, likening them to restrictive and uncomfortable garments that she would gladly eliminate if given the chance.

Abstract

In an article titled "If I Could be ‘Queen for a Day,’ No One Would Own Pants," Crystal A. Walker shares her deep-seated dislike for pants, comparing them to bras in their discomfort and restriction. She humorously details the various inconveniences caused by pants, such as creating a muffin top, fading, ripping, itching, and causing wedgies or camel toes. Walker also critiques the social expectations of wearing pants, despite their discomfort, and dreams of a retirement where she can live without them. While acknowledging some benefits, like hiding leg hair and accommodating post-feast expansions, her overall sentiment is that pants are an unnecessary encumbrance to personal freedom and comfort.

Opinions

Pants are viewed as uncomfortable and restrictive, akin to cloth prisons for the legs.
Bras are equally disliked by the author, citing their discomfort and the relief of removing them at home.
The author believes that certain pants, like those that emphasize the butt, are overemphasizing bodily features.
Pants are seen as unnecessary, especially when considering the option of going commando, which the author finds gross.
The author has a job that restricts her from wearing the most comfortable types of pants, like yoga pants, all the time.
There is some appreciation for pants, such as their ability to hide unshaven leg hair and provide comfort after large meals.
The author aspires to retire to a pants-optional lifestyle, where she can perform daily activities without the need for pants.
Despite her distaste for pants, the author recognizes the need to conform to societal norms and dress appropriately in public.

Kiss them goodbye if I get my hands on them.

With 7.6 billion human beings in the world, it is amazing the range of beliefs and tastes people have. Some folks prefer Star Trek over Star Wars. A sizable percentage of the population doesn’t like cats. Many people find mushrooms disgusting.

Me? I hate pants.

I hold them in the same regard as I do bras. I hate those too, and with a passion. The underwire stabs me in my side boobs, the straps cut into my shoulders, and I cannot wait to rip it off and be free from it the moment I get home. The golden rule amongst many women is, once the bra comes off, stay home. I feel the same way, but I also extend this sentiment to pants.

If — for any reason — I am faced with the idea that I need to put on either one after I’m home, there better be a good reason such as you’re dying or the pizza delivery guy is at my door. Unless he’s a hottie.

Overall, I think pants are like cloth prisons for your legs. They rub against your skin, they can create a muffin top, fade, rip, itch, and prevent you from full use of your body.

Sometimes, they droop and sag making you forced to wear a belt. Some pants do the opposite, riding into places you don’t want and cause wedgies or camel toes. And don’t think you’re being slick, boys. I see you grabbing your sacks in public to unstick your balls from your thighs to help them breathe under those cloth confinements.

Admit it: Pants are crap.

A counter-argument to this might be “Oh, just go commando!” Well, that’s gross; you just turned your pants into juice catchers, so put some underwear on.

Another argument may be, “Wear yoga pants — they’re stretchy and comfortable.” Okay, I can relinquish a little ere because those can be comfortable.

However, I have a job where I can’t wear yoga pants every minute of the day. Also, what is going on with these yoga pants I see all over TikTok and my Facebook ads that emphasize your butt? My ass already has enough emphasis on it and I don’t need a pair of yoga pants riding into the netherworld to make my cheek meat look plumper.

Now, before you go flame-spraying me and defending pants, let me clarify: I have some love for pants.

For example, they hide my prickly leg hairs when I don’t feel like shaving. If I want to look like a small yeti from the waist down, no one needs to know. After pigging out after a huge Thanksgiving dinner, I am sure to include being thankful for the elastic band of my sweat pants. Other than that, it’s difficult for me to find a place in my heart that has a lot of love for them.

Whenever the day arrives when I can retire, I plan on living out the rest of my days on some acreage with a sign saying “Pants Optional.” If I want to go outside and feed my goats with no pants, consider it done. Pop off a few warning shots with my shotgun? Sure, and you can count on doing it pant-less!

But until then, I have to be a decent member of society and dress like an upstanding citizen. *Sigh*

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