If Epictetus Walked Into My Bedroom: A Stoic’s Guide to a Streamlined Life

Picture this.

My bedroom. A testament to modern-day hedonism. Where clothes drape every piece of furniture like some avant-garde fashion show gone awry.

Beauty products assemble as if ready for battle on the dresser.

And books? They’re staging a coup on the floor. None of them read.

Into this walks Epictetus, stoic philosopher extraordinaire, probably wondering if he took a wrong turn on the way to the Agora.

Cluttered Room, Cluttered Mind

“Ah,” Epictetus might say, if he were one for small talk (which, let’s be honest, he isn’t), “I see chaos has been having a party here.”

Stoicism 101: it’s not the clutter that’s the problem. It’s what the clutter says about your inner turmoil. Or maybe it just says I have too many sales alerts set up on my phone.

The Great Purge

Here’s where Epictetus gets ruthless. Not with a cleaning spray and rag. But with logic sharper than any decluttering guru’s.

“Do these ticket stubs contribute to your virtue or happiness?” he asks, holding up a faded piece of paper like it’s a philosophical quandary.

Not really, but they do spark a fond memory of shelling out an entire paycheck on The Boss. It was from 1989 at the Meadowlands. He didn’t understand what that meant.

Zen and the Art of Folder Placement

With the non-essentials dispatched to the bin or donation box (Epictetus isn’t about waste).

We’re left with what truly ‘sparks joy’ — to borrow a phrase from another decluttering sage. He claims he said that expression first (whatever).

“A place for everything, and everything in its place,” he advises, which sounds great until you realize that requires buying more storage solutions.

The Stoic Life Beyond the Bedroom

Emboldened by our conquest of physical clutter, we turn to life’s bigger messes. Emails, relationships, that side hustle that’s more hustle than profitable. Epictetus nods in approval.

It’s all about focusing on what we can control, like unfollowing everyone on social media who makes us feel like we need more beauty products.

The Philosopher Departs

As Epictetus fades into the ether (or just gets fed up with my lack of philosophical progress), I’m left alone. Alone with a cleaner room and a slightly less cluttered mind.

The path to stoic simplicity is long. But every discarded sock is a step in the right direction. With or without Epictetus.

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Jane Grismer is a freelance writer who shares her experiences of entrepreneurship, productivity, creativity, as well as real-life stuff.