GENDER INEQUALITY

If Dad Is the Custodial Parent, Does That Mean Mom ‘Abandoned’ Her Children?

Deciding who will care for the children when parents divorce

“We’re circling the drain,” I said. “One of us needs to stay here with the kids, and the other needs to find a new place to live.”

I made this observation during a period of relative calm. It wasn’t in the heat of a dispute. Our marriage had been on life support for six or seven years at that point.

We’d separated, tried again, did marriage counseling — all the things couples with children do to try and keep the family together. No one in my family had ever gotten a divorce, and I didn’t want to be the first.

But the writing was on the wall. It wasn’t working, and I knew it was just a matter of time.

“This is my house,” he responded, “and I’m not going anywhere.”

It wasn’t. We’d bought it together, but there wasn’t any point in arguing. OK then.

“Abandoning” my children

About a year later, we reached a rather ugly tipping point, and I fled. I called my mom, and she agreed to give me refuge while I figured out what to do next.

It was over relatively quickly. Everything had already been said, and we knew there was no going back this time. I moved out, and the boys stayed with their dad.

They were 15 and 17 at the time, physically large and engaging in the kinds of acting out teenage boys do, especially ones whose home life is a battlefield.

I thought we’d successfully kept our disputes on the down low, but children aren’t stupid.

Even without screaming and yelling, they pick up on angry glances, long silences, and hunched shoulders. Their dad rarely came home from the golf course.

I agreed to pay child support, and the boys came to my house on weekends and any time they wanted to, just like children do when they have a weekend father.

To his credit, their previously disengaged father stepped into his new role. He spent more time at home and developed a good relationship with his sons.

But he couldn’t resist playing the martyr card. He told me, the kids, and anyone else who would listen that I’d “abandoned” the children. He’s still using that line 25 years later.

Trying to co-parent

I’ve quit hoping we can normalize relations and co-parent in a drama-free environment. It hasn’t come to pass. He’s still too angry. We speak only when it’s essential.

I suspect he hoped I would leave and take the children with me. But doing so was an option that never occurred to me. They endured enough trauma with our break-up.

Do I feel guilty? You bet.

Even all these years later, I wonder if my children would have had an easier time if we had figured out how to get along. Isn’t that why couples stay together even after their relationship is dead—for the children?

Why is it “normal” when Dad moves out and “abandonment” when Mom does?

I’m sure lots of divorcing fathers who move out feel guilty, too.

It’s normal.

But what I bristle at is the characterization that I abandoned my children. Why is it “normal” if dad moves out and “abandonment” if mom does? Why are women judged more harshly than men in otherwise identical situations?

I’ll save you the details of why that plan made more sense than if I’d insisted on staying in the house. It had to do with our respective shares of time and money.

The particulars are not necessary. It was a long time ago. Besides, other people’s divorces aren’t interesting to anyone but themselves.

In 1999, agreeing to let my husband be the custodial parent was highly unusual. It was discussed and debated. A close friend confided that she had advised a woman we both knew to “pull a Kit” and leave her children with her husband.

Nice.

What can be done?

Feeling guilty doesn’t help. I can’t change the past.

My children are adults now, and all of this would be ancient history—but for the fact that their father continues to refer to my faithlessness in leaving.

People don’t get to quit being parents, no matter where the children live or how old they are. Mine are 39 and 41, but they still seek my advice and other kinds of parenting.

I moved on, remarried happily (as did he), and continued to take the high road where their father was concerned. I encourage the boys to have strong relationships with their father.

It’s for them.

Frankly, I don’t know whether things have changed since the time of our divorce or not. It seems like people have gotten more creative about custody arrangements. Some children seem to flow seamlessly between households.

I’m sure there are better ways to handle it than how we did.

There are days when I wish I had a do-over. But that ship sailed a long time ago. Instead, I focus on having the best relationship possible as we advance.

That’s all I can do.