If At First You Succeed . . .

. . . Then Quit

In college I had a friend, Dave, who was an excellent golfer. He played on the amateur circuit with aspirations of going pro.

He asked me to join him for a “round” of golf. I didn’t play golf. I didn’t even know what a “round” was. (Hey, I grew up on a farm, okay?)

So Dave took me to a golf “course”, aka “the links”, which is where you play a “round”.

First thing we did was go into the gift shop — or whatever they called it — and rented me some “clubs”. “Clubs” are exactly what they sound like — “clubs”, for clubbing things.

So I had my golf “bag”, filled with “clubs” as we walked to the “first tee”. That’s where you begin a “round” of golf.

At the “first tee” the “foursome” in front of us had just “teed off” and was trudging down the “fairway” to look for the golf ball(s) they had just “driven”.

As they did that, Dave explained to me how to play golf. Mostly what he said was that I should keep my head down and not look up, which made no sense to me — if I didn’t look up, how was I supposed to see the darn golf ball I just “clubbed”??

While Dave was explaining this to me, we were joined on the “first tee” by a “foursome” wearing plaid pants and Ralph Lauren polos, aka “proper golf attire”.

So anyway, Dave selected a “club” for me. It had a “head” the size of a bowling ball.

He then inserted a little wooden thingie into the ground and placed a golf ball atop it (shown left).

I “addressed” the ball as Dave had instructed me.

Then I wound up like an eight-day clock with every intention of “driving” my golf ball halfway to the moon.

Which is exactly what happened!!

I walloped that ball a gazillion miles, straight and true, right down the center of the fairway!!

And that was the last time I ever made a decent golf shot

All subsequent attempts — that day and after — were either (a) windmill swings-and-misses that caused small hurricanes, or (b) worm excavations that resulted in divots the size of hedgehogs.

I was a one-shot wonder

And so what, you might ask, is the moral of this story?

I’m hoping there isn’t one.