I’d Like One Exorcism To Go Please!
And Could I Get Some Devil’s Chocolate On The Side?
Have you ever felt like you’re possessed?
I’m serious, well kinda. I don’t know how else to explain it, except to say I feel like some dark entity invites itself into my brain and wreaks havoc with whatever vestiges of logic I have left. And there’s not much left.
Especially when my frenemy who goes by the name anxiety/depression/rage knocks at my door.
It’s like a home invasion in my soul.
Now, add in this business of Covid19, and all my inner demons come out wanting to party Armageddon style.
I know the whole world is dealing with the pandemic. I know this logically. I know we all have to do our part to stop the spread. The kids do their school from home. Working from home? Yikes! I’ll congratulate whoever can work from home and not feel out of sorts or going 20 kinds of insane.
The house work, well there’s more of that to do, since everyone is at home making messes. Dirtying up dishes all the live-long day, and so on. Leaving the room, are ya? “Oh what are you doing? Why?…” ummmm can you like STFU?
Can I just take a shit by myself please? like WTAF? Leave me alone already!
My family?
Well, they notice quickly when I’m not myself. When something inconsequential pisses me off, and I become a devil incarnate. They know I’m taking it out on them but they don’t understand why.
When I feel like my family is better off without me, I know it’s gotten pretty bad. I went through this last year as well. Truth be told, it never seems far away. This sense of foreboding. Like maybe I’m a burden.
Aren’t you glad you clicked on this post?!
I’m a ray of sunshine up your ass, no?
Back when I was in the City of Squirrels, I just wanted to leave. The city never quite felt like home to me. Truth be known, many of its residents left much to be desired.
Back in 2016, I left Calgary, hoping, maybe even praying, to leave my past behind in a tidy little box. I wanted to flee from so many horrid memories of the city.
Wishful thinking, right?
I wonder if I’ll EVER feel at home anywhere? Am I just a restless soul? Am I destined to feeling like an outsider where ever I go?
Or maybe there’s another much more complex reason why I don’t feel I belong anywhere?
From the beginning, I had a precarious start. Like most babies, I didn’t go home from the hospital and bond with my mother and live happily ever after. Not even close.
No Siree!
Instead, from what I’ve been told: Shortly after arriving at my mother’s family home, a disagreement ensued, police were called to intervene. This was just a day in the life, as l later found out.
I digress.
My mother, who was thought to be dealing with severe postpartum depression, was admitted to the hospital. And I was sent off to my very first foster home. Only to return soon after to the hospital about a week later due to health issues.
So in a nutshell, I did not grow up with a sense of continuity and security with a primary care giver. Or family.
(It was like a game of musical chairs. Except it was homes. I use the term “homes” very loosely. Foster homes were the norm, and later on group homes as a teen. I would return home at 14 years old, but this arrangement did not last long.)
Welcome to the world, little one!
Before I would turn one year old, I had spent the better half or so of the year in care. Away from my mother.
This trend continued like clockwork for most of my childhood and youth. About every 2–3 years.
This is, by and large, why I don’t feel settled. Ever. I’m afraid to be happy because something or someone will come along and take it away. Again. The constant feeling of unease is palpable, yet almost intangible. An aberration. Sums it up all nice and tidy, don’t you think?
Except, it’s anything but.
Back to the present day, I don’t know what to say. I thought the move to a different town would be a nice setting. Perhaps the nature would help me feel more peaceful. Maybe I’m a restless soul? Maybe I just don’t know how to relax. Maybe I don’t know how to be content? I’ve struggled with this for as long as I can remember.
So many questions, no real answers forth coming. Although, I may have reached a couple conclusions. I just need time to sort it through. I need a sounding board. I have a shit load of work to do on me, but part of me is hesitant. I’m afraid to go back through the horrors. Relive them.
But then I ask myself, ”Am I not already reliving it? Have I not gone through it already and survived?”
I suppose I’m at war with myself and whatever demons I’m dealing with at the moment. I’ve never truly felt at home anywhere. Therein lies the problem. I don’t know how to settle. I don’t know how to be at peace.
Does anyone know a good exorcist?
I could really use one. They could wear a Hazmat suit if they prefer.
I’m just really tired of the demons living in my house. and by that, I mean my achy break-y head.
Give me a call at
Demonic Possession Enterprise. 1-800-Heal Me!