I Wouldn’t Wish This on Anyone — Even My Worst Enemy
I’m talking about addiction. — (True Recovery Story) (Relapse Prevention Essay)
When I first ended up in the A.A. big book meeting, that was not under the best of circumstances, as if I’m saying this showing up to any big book meeting at all would be a normal circumstance, huh?
Well, I’m sure we can all agree that showing up to a meeting at a church with a friend or two is better than getting made to go by a turnkey at the disgusting county jail. A turnkey that I used to go to school with, was quite uncomfortable. We had a 12×20 little yard that I was gratefully able to go outside, sit on the picnic table and beat myself up mentally. We went outside once throughout my 343 days and sat…in a row… thinking — “why in the fuck am I here?”
I had just gotten charged with a crime I honestly didn’t even remember committing. I’m far from a criminal, although most people think all types of addicts are which is ridiculous. I didn’t know when I was walking in hands in the jail that day, that I actually had unaddressed mental health problems.
Being a handsome handcuffed co-occurring disorderly me for the record, or real talk is also known as being dual diagnosis. It’s the simultaneous presence of a mental health disorder and a substance use disorder-S.U.D.
It’s like having two battles to fight at once, but with the right support and treatment, recovery is possible. I believe that addressing co-occurring disorders head-on can lead to even greater success and long-term well-being for individuals facing these challenges. Not a jail cell.
When it comes to co-occurring disorders, it’s important to understand that they often go hand in hand. Mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder can increase the risk of substance abuse, while substance abuse can worsen existing mental health symptoms or even trigger new ones. That's actually how my bipolar was most likely created that I didn’t have until later on in life.
It’s a vicious cycle that can feel overwhelming, but don’t sally out! With the right treatment approach that addresses both the mental health and substance use components, individuals can experience significant improvements in their overall well-being. It’s like finding the perfect recipe for success, where each ingredient complements the other to create a truly transformative outcome.
How do we go about fixing a person like this?
Well, my friend, the answer lies in the power of integrated treatment. By combining mental health therapy, medication management, and substance abuse counseling, individuals can receive comprehensive care that tackles both disorders simultaneously. This approach not only increases the chances of successful recovery, but also empowers individuals to take control of their lives and build a solid foundation for long-term well-being. It’s like having a superhero team by your side, ready to support you every step of the way.
I had a S.U.D. problem that eventually caught up with me landing me right where I needed to be at the time which was a timeout from the real world.
Now all addicts have been surprised by a charge they didn’t commit but this one was more than memorable, so more than memorable it was the start of my true addiction when EVERYONE at the time, EVEN MYSELF — thought it was going to be the end of it.
By the time you’re done reading this story, you should realize why you should never wish addiction on even your worst enemy. I wished in the old days that an addiction to ANY-KIND would hit my sexual abuser right upside the face, it wasn’t until I let go of all those resentments. Those were the heaviest for me and I know it’s holding you down too if you haven’t written them all down yet and burned that shit in a fire. Until those get shaken off, you’re going to suffer. I had that total mind-change take place that I want all of you to experience as well!
Sit back, relax on the edge of your seat, and enjoy this one!
It wasn’t until I wanted sobriety for myself that I started to pick up on anything that I needed to do whatsoever. I didn’t want to get clean, I wanted to stay high forever. I didn’t want to have to feel anything, I wanted to be numb forever. One of the biggest reasons that I wanted to stay in the active cycle of addiction was I didn’t like to feel pain, sadness, anxiety, anger, or living in the worst emotion of all.
This emotion that I’m referring to is called fear. Fear sucks ass, to say the least. I didn’t know one person who liked fear besides the little NO-FEAR guy sticker that went all around the world in the early 90’s —
From that little cute 50cc KTM dirt bike, the one I had in my adolescent years with that sticker on it — To now battling that Narcissistic ex that would prefer to see me struggling than happy.
Here is the thing, I’m only going to repeat this once although it probably should get repeated a million times throughout my article so that you get my point but instead of being repetitive, I’ll just write it as a title below:
“You can only change for yourself. No-one-else.”
I tried to get sober in the beginning for other people, it was always an “I’m going to try this for this person” or “I’m doing it for them” type of mentality I had walking into these places that kept me walking out with same problem walking in that was “thinking I can do it alone or thinking I don’t need to get a sponsor to help me.”
The first 11 times I walked out of those treatment center stays It was almost as if my addiction was out in the parking lot waiting for me to get out, just doing pushups behind the dumpster.”
It’s almost impossible to have any mindset change about your view on drugs and alcohol when you’re around people who glorify it 24–7. That’s a choice you could have prevented if you would of just not been around those individuals huh?
But some don’t have a choice.
Facts state that the Department of Justice is used for one thing and one thing only — to enforce the law.
Not to transform an individual into someone who then does not break the law again, who then does not take drugs to escape the reality he doesn’t want to live anymore, it’s almost as if jail makes addiction worse for the addict or at least that’s how my story goes.
I was told by my grandpa before that — “It is actually up to whoever it was that got themselves into the mess that has to get themselves out of it”. I didn’t take advantage of the critical advice he had given me until after I went to prison.
I was trying to tell myself over and over that as soon as I got out of this white-walled hell hole, I would be able to go sit on the clouds after I used whatever it was that I could get my hands on. I was only an opioid-dependent user who had struggled with pill-popping, what I learned about in prison was soon about to explain to you all why addiction shouldn’t be wished on anyone!
It was almost as if I planned my relapse date, as soon as I set a relapse date it was almost as if the voice in my head calmed down a bit. The monkey on your back. The bad demon who is always on your shoulder telling you what and what not to do.
3 Months Until Outdate
These habitual bad habits were noticed that I wish I would have never done.
1. Number exchanging — “HOLLA at me when you get out.”
2. Glorifying — ‘what you shouldn’t do’
3. Lying
Don't feel so lucky if you feel addiction is taking you somewhere in life because I promise you that addiction can’t be justified. This is real, I have tried every single drug, every concoction, just smoking it, or just snorting it, well that was until I heard something that I really wanted to share with you all. It shows how disgusting drugs can be to our brains making our clarity seem gonzo.
I overheard someone talking about Injecting. Injecting drugs is what someone should never go out on a limb teaching you how to do but I swore to this individual that if they just showed me how to do it one time, I would quit bugging them. I wanted to feel it more, more, more, more, and that is what my tolerance levels were telling me.
What used to be one morphine that made me feel warm and fuzzy eventually turned into two, those two eventually turned into a whole bottle. That bottle that I’m referring to was very easy to get as my uncle had over 180 prescribed to him a month that he never took later on you’ll understand why, just keep on reading!
I had a long three months to go sitting around a bunch of criminals who thought they were all lawyers, mechanics, doctors, & of course something happened where I had to go back to court and get resentenced on my original charges because I had 3 probation violations. Someone came in jail with drugs and we got caught using them. So instead of getting me the treatment I needed they sent me away to a HYTA prison for 18 months.
It was almost as if I got set up looking back on it now but want to put into bullet points the three places that addiction will always be able to take us in the blink of a second, you also have a choice with the three destinations
- JAILS
- INSTITUTION’S
- DEATH
The phrase every true addict knows “jails, institutions, and death” ‘OHMY’ is often used in the context of addiction and recovery to highlight the potential consequences of substance abuse.
- Jails: Substance abuse can often lead to criminal behavior, such as drug possession, theft, or other offenses.
- People struggling with addiction may find themselves incarcerated as a result of these actions exactly like ME.
- The more important lesson I’m trying to teach here is that addiction can lead to legal consequences YES. But — it’s crucial that addiction does not lead to addiction again like I did for me.
2. Institutions: This typically refers to mental health institutions or rehab facilities. People who are incarcerated with addictions who are committed to these institutions either voluntarily or involuntarily for treatment and rehabilitation should be allowed to go if they actually want help — RIGHT?
I pleaded for true real help as I called it up on the stand to the judge who told me — “NO I HAD TO DO MY TIME BEFORE I GOT HELP.” When I got into trouble, I asked to go to a rehab center nearby by my lawyer, my family, & just about pleaded to anyone who would listen so I could learn about what I needed to do in order to stop using drugs.
In jail, people that were staying there were not there for transformation like I originally was, but being around a bunch of yahoos that didn’t want to better themselves one fucking bit is what made my situation worse. The biggest reason it made things worse was that I wasn’t ready to change at this moment of time.
It made it harder for me to think about any recovery program, I couldn’t watch the Discovery Channel anymore with my dad on Friday nights watching Alaskan Gold Rush, I had gotten hooked into watching and listening to INTERVENTION on A&E with a bunch of addicts who glorified every mind-altering substance that came on made it impossible to think clearly about what WOULD work for me, or WOULDNT work for me.
I knew one thing though, watching Intervention can make us addicts really crave our drug of choice. Whether it’s a commercial, a movie, or a tv show it can put you into a mode you don’t ever want to be in — relapse mode.
Relapse mode=FEAR
Yes, fear is an emotion, and this emotion may keep you in the active cycle of addiction for a very long time just like it did for me.
Stuck like I was? — keep reading.
Fearful of relapse is way better than being stuck in the active cycle of addiction with the fear of detox, rejection, or the hardest…acceptance, or fear of simply being able to live a happy sober recovery that you don’t think is possible, but I know is possible based off how many days I have sober today. What I am doing is not only working for me, but also for the people I sponsor, the people who LISTEN and try my suggestions are the ones who will succeed, and I can almost make that a read-back guaranteed!
I want to discuss the third and last place that addiction will take you to, that is if you haven’t been there already, and that is death. What really needs to take place in order to miss all three destinations is for you to stop using drugs yes and that is obvious but if you were anything like I was in my active cycle of addiction you feel like you CAN’T get clean, and you know the reason why you can’t get clean you just don’t want to be honest with yourself a
3. Until DEATH.
Death: This is the most severe and tragic outcome of addiction. Overdoses, accidents, and health complications related to drug or alcohol abuse can lead to premature death. The important lesson here is that addiction is a life-threatening condition, and seeking help is critical to prevent this outcome.
The most important place where people can learn about their addiction is often in treatment and recovery programs. These programs provide individuals with the tools, resources, and support necessary to understand their addiction, address its underlying causes, and develop coping strategies to manage it.
Treatment can take place in a variety of settings, including inpatient or outpatient rehabilitation centers, counseling, therapy, or support groups.
In these environments, individuals can learn about the nature of their addiction, its impact on their lives, and how to overcome it. They can also gain insights into the root causes of their addiction and develop healthier ways to cope with life’s challenges.
Most of all.
They can find a supportive community that understands their struggles and can provide guidance and encouragement throughout the recovery process.
That’s why I encourage you struggling with addiction still to go out, don’t be scared and ask someone who can relate to your fucked up life not your mom, not your dad, a sponsor.
Ultimately, the most important place to learn about addiction is in an environment where individuals can safely address their issues, receive appropriate guidance, and work toward long-term recovery and sobriety.
My father was right all along with what he always said —
“If you run with the dogs who limp, Derek you are going to limp.”-Dan-Dad
I used to limp.
I don’t anymore. The reason why I don’t is because I believe in myself.
Firstly, Lastly, Conclusion
You need to understand you don’t need to be addicted to anything that will take your life, take your relationship, take your money, take, take, and take some more doesn’t sound so attractive anymore, does it?