I Wished I Checked On Her…

A silent regret.

Nothing lasts forever, sometimes people work out just when we believe they are about to stay.

I believed that for a long time but I was yet to experience it. What is grief? How does it happen? In the past year, virtually everyone around me has experienced a grieving situation.

It’s always easy to console someone until you become the one who needed consoling.

Not even in my wildest imagination did I imagine it’d happen so soon and unexpectedly but that’s the thing death doesn’t give us time to prepare.

All we get is one final moment and yet some of us get nothing but memories.

In my first year at the university, I came in with lots of expectations; evil and good alike.

Meeting Her

With all the things I heard happening, the evil was surely gaining in on my mind until I met her, a young and naive yet mature and responsible.

She became the 'big sister' I never had. It was impossible yet reassuring to believe I’d meet someone that nice despite all the wild thoughts I had before she came.

She was in her final year and I was just a freshman. As roommates, it was heartbreaking to imagine she’d live someday. All I wanted was for us to stay together so I decided not to think about final moments but just enjoy every day, as it came.

In the end, her last year was the most memorable one. We argued and came back together. In those moments, she introduced me to her longest friend who lived in the same building as us and had two more years to in the university.

It was satisfying to know I will still have someone to call "Big Sister". When she left, the room was mine and I had to build relationships with her best friend who was still around.

At first, it was extremely difficult. I realized I wasn't close to her the way my roomie was. Trying to break the walls between us was difficult and doing that I found that she kept to herself for reasons I never knew.

Eventually, we got along and even though we’re not as close as my roomie was with me, she was fun to be with. From advice to supports to morals to marriage.

Sometimes, it’s the time that counts, not forever.

Those people whom we get to see once in a blue moon have a way of impacting our lives more than the "everyday people" around us.

Their titbits of wisdom help us reshape our lives even if it’s for just a short period. She was that person and I loved it. Soon, it was time to go and it was more heartbreaking than my roommate departure.

I was overly sad but whenever I thought of her nuptials, I became alive. Her best friend, my roommate had gotten married just before ending school and we all agreed she would be the next. Well, she had to or at least we thought. It’d be nice to have our trio together.

It Happened

When it comes to people, it's important to listen to the little nudge within you that tells you to check upon them.

Once in a while, I got those little checks but I wasn’t listening. I thought I had so much time so I procrastinated. That was the case with her.

I called my roommate frequently after she left but I always do the same with her. I believed I’ll see her soon.

That Sunday, I was asleep and my phone rang, "she’s dead" was the first thing the sender said. Who’s dead? I asked, I heard her name from the other end of the phone.

It was a friend who had a knack for telling the truth that called. Still, I didn’t believe it.

I quickly dialled her number and it was unreachable. I called my roommate who doubled as her best friend and it was the same thing, unreachable. Going back to sleep was impossible so I decided a social media chat would be best.

I left her a message and the next thing I saw was her people everywhere. Unbelievably, it was true.

One of the most difficult things to do is pretence. All wasn't well and I didn't want my family to know that.

So, this was the exact feeling of death. I patiently waited till they all went to bed that night whilst crying profusely in the bathroom.

All alone at night with everyone at sleep, it was a rain of tears. Each time I relieved every memory of her, it hurt the more.

The fun times, the plans, the advice. I couldn't believe it and the more I denied it, the more the tears got the best of me. Before that night, someone had called to pick up her things with me and I promised to call her.

Each time I got that silent nudge, I waved it away cause I believed I was hard all the time in the world.

It All Began to Connect

I planned to call that week but none of us controls time. What if I could turn back the clock, just to hear her one more time? That hurt the most; the fact that I never heard her voice for the last time.

It was midnight and all I could do was explode in tears. Surfing the Internet wasn't working as every video I clicked on reminded me of her.

Sleeping was impossible too. Nothing made sense anymore. I was yet to find out the cause of her death but none of that was going to solve anything. So, I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I quickly called her best friend and when I heard her voice, it was obvious she had cried all through the night.

The little part of me that believed she’s still alive suddenly faded away. Breast Cancer! I didn’t believe it. She was barely 35 but six months ago, she lost her mother who happens to be her primary health caregiver.

That loss affected her badly too. I recalled she shared that information on her social media space too. Her best friend told me she had been sick for quite a while.

In those two years we bonded, not once did I see her ill. Swiftly, I remembered when she was sick in my first year. Both of them made a huge effort to keep it away from me.

Her mood swings, her unusual actions, her silent pains and sometimes, she’d prefer to be alone.

I connected the dots of her last days in school and it all made sense. Never would I have guessed that it was cancer.

The tears resurfaced again and this time it was worse. My family noticed as there was nothing to hide. That day, everyone left the home for their business and it was just me.

My Regret

I thought about all the fond memories we had. The fact that I planned to call that week. If wishes were fishes, we’d all have a net. Nothing could bring her back. Knowing how impossible it is, I dialled her number repeatedly.

Maybe, just maybe she’d answer but no one was answering. I went through the little chats we had just to catch a glimpse of her once more.

Shutting everyone out was all I could do since I couldn’t get the closure I needed. Again, I cried myself to sleep.

That week was horrible as I deliberately tried to displaced everything that reminded me of her. Since I was away from school, no one talked about it or asked me about it.

I was left with my teary eyes and gradually I came to terms with reality. This was grief, I thought. It’s something that can’t be described.

You only know grief when you experience it. Every other thing stopped making sense and all that was seen is the one who was no more.

Life Lesson Here,

To love and always check up on the people around us is something I had learned.

If I had just listened to the little nudge. Sadly, all I have are numerous 'if’s". It’s been two years since we saw each other; since she left the University.

It’s been several days but it’s almost impossible to think about her without hurting. In those times when I remember, my wish is the same; to hear her voice once again.

I have learnt my lessons. I won't take it for granted anymore.

Thanks for reading...