I Wish I Knew the 3 P’s of Grief Years Ago

Grief can be attributed to various life events, although the first thing that comes to mind when we hear the word is when we lose someone we love dearly. When experiencing grief, we can find ourselves searching for answers, comfort, and a pathway out of the pain.

I have experienced grief multiple times, but for this post, I will discuss the loss of a beloved romantic partner, K.D., who passed away unexpectedly due to a sickle cell crisis while visiting family and friends out of state. Although it’s been well over a decade since K.D. departed, I miss him daily.

After recently reading “Option B” by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant, I wished I had known about the 3 P’s of grief when it first happened. Navigating grief within the framework of Personalization, Pervasiveness, and Permanence is a tool that is very helpful in increasing our understanding and navigation of grief.

Grieving can be a deeply personal and often isolating experience. I am confident I would have benefitted from this structured approach to dealing with the overwhelming emotions that came with his loss. Therefore, I intend to share these points to equip readers with an additional tool to make the inevitable grief process more tolerable.

K.D.’s Departure

When I left for work that morning and later departed early for a doctor’s appointment, I never imagined the landscape of my heart would be forever altered. Today was the day my dearest friend and love would die unexpectedly, and I am forever haunted by what I feel was a missed opportunity to communicate.

K.D. called me just as the doctor was about to begin the physical examination, and I rushed him off the telephone with a promise I would call him right back. I will never forget the strain in his voice. He was crying and said something he had never told me, “I’m scared.”

I was alarmed to hear him say that because he was not a stranger to hospital admissions for sickle cell crises. It was so frequent I had become desensitized to the episodes, and in my clinical nature, I quickly reassured him, “I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, but it will be ok. Just hang in there while the medication kicks in, and I’ll call you right back.”

I would never have another conversation with K.D. When I called back, my repeated attempts to reach him went straight to voicemail, unanswered. I called his sister and mother and could not contact either. Finally, I received a call from his best friend informing me that I needed to get on a flight and come to NY immediately.

I booked a flight for 6:30 AM the next morning and notified my VP I would be taking two PTO days. However, my sleep was interrupted just past midnight by a call that would extinguish the hope I had of getting there to be beside him; K.D. had passed away.

It didn’t register immediately, and although I heard a melancholy voice heavy with sadness that turned into a mumble, I calmly said, “OK. Thank you for calling me. I’ll call you as soon as I land tomorrow morning.” Shock took over, and I was paralyzed physically and mentally. I do not recall how long I sat upright in that spot, and the days that followed are still a bit of a blur, but I was changed forever.

In the initial stages of grief, I was overcome with disbelief and pain. I had to keep reminding myself he was not coming back home. The sorrow, guilt, and loneliness started to set in and eventually hollowed out an emptiness inside I had never experienced before. I replayed a voicemail message he had left previously, “Hello, Moto!…” To this day, I still listen to that voicemail message every once in a while.

Healing through the process of grief does not have a definitive end date, and you don’t ever move on from the loss, but you learn to live with the loss. I reminisce frequently, and my heart is eternally etched with the remains of our relationship.

The Three P’s

In the aftermath of K.D.’s sudden passing, I struggled with an array of complex emotions, with guilt being the most prominent. I also catastrophized in my thoughts, frequently thinking my dreams of marriage and children were over, I’d be alone forever, and how all of our plans were ruined.

In hindsight, I am confident the concept of the 3 P’s of grief would have benefitted me during this tumultuous period.

Personalization

We tend to default to personalization thinking, blaming ourselves for the loss. We believe failure to act or take a particular action somehow contributed to the final outcome. In the wake of K.D.’s death, I replayed our last brief conversation over in my mind incessantly.

I was tormented by my rushing him off of the phone. If I had taken a few more minutes to calm him down and tell him how much I loved him, somehow, things would have turned out differently. And if the outcome had been the same, he would have left this Earth knowing how deeply loved he was. This self-blame is a natural response to grief; however, it burdens us with an unfounded sense of responsibility for events that are outside of our control.

The anvil of guilt I lugged around daily would have been significantly alleviated with an understanding of Personalization. I would have recognized the tragic outcome was not a consequence of anything I did but instead a heartbreaking eventuality of a chronic illness. Acknowledging that everything that occurs is not within our control is essential to forgiving ourselves and moving forward from the initial paralysis of self-blame.

Pervasiveness

Pervasiveness in the context of grief is the feeling that the loss will infiltrate every aspect of one’s life. The loss will overshadow every future experience and achievement, coloring everything with sadness.

I felt that K.D.’s absence doused all facets of my existence in a tsunami, including even mundane tasks. This overwhelming sensation became prohibitive to my capacity to see any light in the darkness or even imagine a future with any semblance of happiness.

If I knew to discern between what aspects of my life were genuinely affected by the loss instead of over-generalizing, I could have managed the sense of dread more effectively. I could have recognized that despite the profound grief I was experiencing, the value and joy in other parts of my life were not incinerated. It would have assisted me with compartmentalization of my sorrow, permitting periods of reprieve and eventual healing.

Permanence

Permanence in grief is the belief intense sorrow will last forever, making living with grief daunting. Early on in my recovery period, it seemed impossible to conceive of a time when the pain was not so severe and all-consuming. My future appeared bleak, with no respite for the endless sorrow waiting for me.

Conversely, in reality, the intensity of grief is not permanent. Had I been able to acknowledge this simple fact, I would have been afforded a much-needed glimmer of hope. No matter how profound emotions can be, they evolve and are not stagnant.

It’s essential to recognize the initial severity will eventually dull to a softer, more manageable ache that could have provided me some comfort during my darkest times. Insight into the temperance of acute sadness In grief can herald hope and guide the bereaved toward acceptance and eventual peace.

Reflecting on my experience with grief highlights how the application of the three P’s in reframing the loss experience to my personal grief recovery would have positively impacted the journey. While grief is inevitable in love and loss, employing such strategies makes the journey more graceful and leaves space for hope.

The Path Forward

Grief remains with me, but the journey is nonlinear. Some days are lighter, and I am less affected by the loss, but periodically, I have moments of sadness when I feel overcome with the desire to pick up the phone and talk to him about something. I practice reminding myself of the importance of patience and self-compassion during healing through journaling and meditation.

Learning about personalization, pervasiveness, and persistence has assisted me during my journal reflections. I share this personal experience and hope it resonates with others grieving. Although your experience with grief is unique to you, you are not alone, and reframing your thoughts on the situation makes the experience more bearable. There is no need to prolong the suffering when equipped with the proper tools.

I encourage you to apply these concepts and reflect on how grief may influence your feelings and reactions. A deeper understanding of how you process your grief can improve your outcomes. Additionally, it’s okay to leverage others for support.

Grief, in all its pain and complexity, also holds the capacity for growth, deepening our understanding of love, loss, and the resilience of the human spirit. Let’s move forward with empathy for ourselves and others. Carry the memories of those we’ve lost with a sense of honor and love that transcends their physical absence.

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