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Abstract

wildly different.Is it right to hold a child back knowing he will substantially dominate with a height/weight/physical prowess/maturity advantage over other kids his age and grade?If he’s held back he’ll get bored and cause behavior problems in class and ruin it for somebody else, yes?In a society where ethical/moral conversations do not happen much- I learned other people just don’t gut check themselves. Or if they do, they do not care what the answer is or who is effected by those actions.Other families held their boys back. Like all of them. All. Ok, maybe wdidn’t… but you get the point. We were the clueless who did.The ramifications were hard to tangibly see at first but were 100% there:<ul><li>All were smart, some eerily so. They zipped right into GT/AP classes — you know, the ones that populate class rank. Right out of the shoot these are the kids in contention for valedictorian and salutatorian and the top 10%. That’s a lot of ground to cover when you’re out of the loop and out of the clique.</li><li>All were mature and what they talked about- far advanced. He was seen as immature for age-appropriate boy talk and was excluded from lunch tables, sleep overs, parties, outings and eventually, friend groups.</li><li>All were athletic. Holy cats, that was shocking. Few were knobby-kneed or uncoordinated. Add to it plenty of organized sports exposure, older brothers teaching and including them in play… “exceptional athletes in early elementary” is an understatement. This is Texas, the 2nd grade tackle football was fierce and the teams were good- VERY good.</li><li>All were competitive and playing Select before their 8th birthdays. The rec league was considered a joke or somehow inferior. Nothing was done just for fun or to try it to see if kids liked it. You paid, you might get to play (if you were good enough,) you traveled and it was on from day 1. No ramping up or fumbling about, learning or horsing around. You knew what you were doing or rode the bench.</li><li>All had a leg up with wide nets of friends from year-round leagues, sports camps, and all-star teams. Everybody knew everybody else because guess what? They all played together — and often their older siblings did, too. Same for girls with competitive dance/cheer/select volleyball/softball and basketball.</li></ul>And when they all do this stuff… and yours doesn’t?Get read

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y to scratch, scrape, fight and fail because the balance is off and your kid will get the short end of the stick. For years.Till puberty.BUT* by puberty, the mental damage has already been done. Ours was bullied, shamed, teased or made aware that he wasn’t on the same level as them, who in some cases, were 18 months older than our kid — but the SAME grade. Example: our son turned 17 and more than a few teammates were already 18 or about to be 18.5 before senior year began. Yes, yes they are graduating at 19+. Then they’re older in college as well, graduating age 24 and 25 with plenty of eligibility.They drove earlier, dated earlier, hung out with more mature crowds so were more socially savvy earlier (that’s a whole ‘nother column by the way…) but they were young adults long before the word adult would typically be introduced.A couple of these kids topped out physically in middle school or early high school, thankfully. You know the ones, early bloomers who were good at everything. They were the prematurely hairy ones, the smoothly coordinated ones, the ones who took titles of “Best Athlete” or “MVP.”It wasn’t until puberty (thank God- one of the greatest equalizers) that the gap between age and abilities/body differences started to close and our kid finally felt some hope. His own hard work closed the gap… until we started college football recruiting — against grown ass men who were going to be freshman — and 20.In this day and age of college athletic scholarships being offered to 8th graders and kids taking advanced, dual-credit classes (college credit in high school) as freshman, oh man, do I wish I had red-shirted my son?ABSOLUTELY.And though I don’t like it, I think you should do it, too.It’s worked for far too many people so changing that trend has zero chance. Our family personally dealt with blatant unfairness, age/opportunity inequality and “character building” until he drowned in it. His journey, especially mentally, felt epically harder than it needed to be.Mental health matters — matters more than ever. This one decision so greatly could have helped him. Consider this for your own child.Much love, moms & dads, and good luck! And remember, do as I say, not as I did.Be braver and better.~Big Sister Sue</article></body>

I Wish I Had Red-shirted My Son

Do as I say, not as I did: Column #1 ~by Big Sister Sue

Oops! Sorry kid, we screwed up- and you paid for it.

Maybe you’re the kind of person who likes to hear what other people did wrong.

Yes? Great.

Want to skip stupid mistakes? Pay attention!

Here’s big sister Sue to tell you key tips on what I wish I had done differently in parenting, friendships, multiple careers and life in general.

Maybe you have a young son and you’re considering putting him in kindergarten after this summer ends. That time and age for boys is awesome. A gross, toot-filled, nose-picking age, but outstanding nonetheless. Maybe your son has a spring birthday so you’re considering these factors:

how smart he is already and can he read, does he know shapes/numbers/colors/have a developed vocabulary
how big he is physically in height/weight/strength
his social acumen, maturity and communication skills
your finances if he’s in daycare or not
and then the red-hot topic: does he now/will he play sports

Our youngest son is a March birthday, which caused us to highly deliberate each item. Intelligent and quick to grasp anything, we knew school would be a logical next step. In pre-K classes he was reading, writing, coloring, counting, listening well and making friends long before 4, let alone 5 years old and the traditional age to start kindergarten, meaning he was right on track.

Add to it his large stature and giant noggin, which made you think he was many years older than his biological age, so this was a no brainer. Of course he had to go to school. Why wouldn’t he?

DUMB, OH SO DUMB. We wiffed on that one.

Little did we know — EVERYBODY ELSE was red-shirting their kids, holding them back so they were older entering school. We assumed they were looking at the factors and putting their kids in at the appropriate time. Of course they would, right? Turn 5, go to school.

Ha! Wrong.

You get in to that conversation about it being right/wrong to hold a kid back who is ready for school. Depending on if you’re an educator or not — the perspectives can be wildly different.

Is it right to hold a child back knowing he will substantially dominate with a height/weight/physical prowess/maturity advantage over other kids his age and grade?

If he’s held back he’ll get bored and cause behavior problems in class and ruin it for somebody else, yes?

In a society where ethical/moral conversations do not happen much- I learned other people just don’t gut check themselves. Or if they do, they do not care what the answer is or who is effected by those actions.

Other families held their boys back. Like all of them. All. Ok, maybe wdidn’t… but you get the point. We were the clueless who did.

The ramifications were hard to tangibly see at first but were 100% there:

All were smart, some eerily so. They zipped right into GT/AP classes — you know, the ones that populate class rank. Right out of the shoot these are the kids in contention for valedictorian and salutatorian and the top 10%. That’s a lot of ground to cover when you’re out of the loop and out of the clique.
All were mature and what they talked about- far advanced. He was seen as immature for age-appropriate boy talk and was excluded from lunch tables, sleep overs, parties, outings and eventually, friend groups.
All were athletic. Holy cats, that was shocking. Few were knobby-kneed or uncoordinated. Add to it plenty of organized sports exposure, older brothers teaching and including them in play… “exceptional athletes in early elementary” is an understatement. This is Texas, the 2nd grade tackle football was fierce and the teams were good- VERY good.
All were competitive and playing Select before their 8th birthdays. The rec league was considered a joke or somehow inferior. Nothing was done just for fun or to try it to see if kids liked it. You paid, you *might* get to play (if you were good enough,) you traveled and it was on from day 1. No ramping up or fumbling about, learning or horsing around. You knew what you were doing or rode the bench.
All had a leg up with wide nets of friends from year-round leagues, sports camps, and all-star teams. Everybody knew everybody else because guess what? They all played together — and often their older siblings did, too. Same for girls with competitive dance/cheer/select volleyball/softball and basketball.

And when they all do this stuff… and yours doesn’t?

Get ready to scratch, scrape, fight and fail because the balance is off and your kid will get the short end of the stick. For years.

Till puberty.

BUT* by puberty, the mental damage has already been done. Ours was bullied, shamed, teased or made aware that he wasn’t on the same level as them, who in some cases, were 18 months older than our kid — but the SAME grade. Example: our son turned 17 and more than a few teammates were already 18 or about to be 18.5 before senior year began. Yes, yes they are graduating at 19+. Then they’re older in college as well, graduating age 24 and 25 with plenty of eligibility.

They drove earlier, dated earlier, hung out with more mature crowds so were more socially savvy earlier (that’s a whole ‘nother column by the way…) but they were young adults long before the word adult would typically be introduced.

A couple of these kids topped out physically in middle school or early high school, thankfully. You know the ones, early bloomers who were good at everything. They were the prematurely hairy ones, the smoothly coordinated ones, the ones who took titles of “Best Athlete” or “MVP.”

It wasn’t until puberty (thank God- one of the greatest equalizers) that the gap between age and abilities/body differences started to close and our kid finally felt some hope. His own hard work closed the gap… until we started college football recruiting — against grown ass men who were going to be freshman — and 20.

In this day and age of college athletic scholarships being offered to 8th graders and kids taking advanced, dual-credit classes (college credit in high school) as freshman, oh man, do I wish I had red-shirted my son?

ABSOLUTELY.

And though I don’t like it, I think you should do it, too.

It’s worked for far too many people so changing that trend has zero chance. Our family personally dealt with blatant unfairness, age/opportunity inequality and “character building” until he drowned in it. His journey, especially mentally, felt epically harder than it needed to be.

Mental health matters — matters more than ever. This one decision so greatly could have helped him. Consider this for your own child.

Much love, moms & dads, and good luck! And remember, do as I say, not as I did.

Be braver and better.

~Big Sister Sue