A YOUNG WOMAN’S SHAME

I Wish I Didn’t Have to Tell You This

But I was a different person back then.

CW-contains sexual situations that might be triggering or disturbing.

In school on Monday before I told Debbie about Keith, he passed us in the hallway and said, “Hey.”

“What the fuck?” Debbie yanked me closer. “Got something to tell me?”

I smiled. “You won’t believe it,” I said.

“Tell me, tell me,” she said. “Before class. You gotta tell me.”

We rushed to our lockers to grab our books for class. “I was with him,” I said.

“What do you mean? With him? How?”

I smiled, paused, savouring the moment before I told her about the car ride on Sunday and kissing Keith and jerking him off.

“I can’t believe it,” she said. “I just can’t believe it.”

“Believe it. It’s true.”

“Holy fuck,” she giggled. “Unbelievable. You got with him.”

We rushed to our homeroom, but before sitting down, I turned to her and said, “And I think he likes me.”

A few days later, Keith waved me over to where he stood at the edge of the smoking section. “Want to meet me at lunchtime tomorrow?”

“Sure,” I said, hoping he might want me to become his girlfriend.

“Come to Gordy’s place.”

“Who’s Gordy?”

“Gordy’s going to let us hang out at his house. His mom works, so no one’s home.”

“Okay,” I nodded, excited. “Where’s he live?”

He gave me directions. Easy, just down over the hill. Next to the shortcut Debbie and I took down town.

Just as I was about to strut away, he said, “Don’t bring Debbie. Come alone. Okay?”

“Okay.” I said, though I wondered why I wasn’t to bring Debbie, but decided it was all about us being alone. Debbie already had a boyfriend, and maybe this Gordy guy wouldn’t stick around.

The next day, I told Debbie I was going to meet Keith. She didn’t seem bothered by us not hanging out at lunchtime. It was what girls did for one another. When it came to a guy, we stepped aside.

I felt weird knocking on the door of someone I didn’t know. But I had no reason to doubt it was okay. I trusted Keith.

When the door opened, I expected Keith, but to my surprise, it wasn’t him. A chubby, blond-haired guy stood in front of me. “Come on in,” he said.

I recognized Gordy from around school, but never paid him much attention. He was younger, in my sister’s grade, and not considered a catch.

He closed the door behind me, said, “Hi, I’m Gordy.”

“I figured,” I said, taking off my shoes, setting them on the mat beside the door.

Gordy motioned me to go into the living room. I saw Keith on the sofa. I stepped in, unsure about the whole situation.

Before I could sit beside him, he stood and took me by the hand, leading me up the stairs.

We turned down the hallway and entered a bedroom. “Whose room is this?” I asked, once inside.

“Gordy’s,” he said, closing the door behind us.

“Um,” I said. “Isn’t this a little weird?” I made a quick survey of the room, car posters, rock posters, uncomfortable in a guy’s room who I didn’t know.

“Don’t worry.” Keith settled on the bed. “He’s fine with it.”

I sat next to him on the bed. We kissed like we had in the car. Only this time he didn’t just slide his hand up under my shirt. With both hands, he pulled my shirt up over my head. Dropped it to the floor. It felt strange sitting topless beside him, so exposed.

“This is better than in the car. Isn’t it?” he said.

“Yeah,” I agreed, and undid his jeans. He stood and let his pants drop to the floor. I leaned forward and took him in my mouth. He moaned and stroked my hair.

After Keith finished, he stood, pulled up his jeans, and zipped them up. “That was great,” he said, and I felt I’d done as I should.

“But,” he said, “you should give Gordy a little something for using his room.”

At first, I thought I’d heard him wrong, for he couldn’t have said what I thought he’d said. I sat in shock, wondering just what he expected me to give Gordy. “Like what?” I asked, confused. I reached for my shirt from the floor.

“Like a blow job,” he said, like it was no big deal, like he asked me to shake Gordy’s hand.

“You can’t be serious.” I sat, holding my shirt in my hand, even more shocked, thinking it had to be a joke, yet playing it cool, not wanting to appear as some kind of sexual prude. “He’s a friggin’ kid,” I said. “What is he, like fourteen?”

“Exactly. It will only take a second. Believe me, he’s probably never even been alone with a girl before.” He grinned. “Especially someone as hot as you.”

“Yeah, right?” I stood, pulled on my shirt. “I don’t think so.” I headed to the door.

My hand was on the door knob when Keith came up behind me. Placed his hand over mine, said. “Come on.” He stroked my shoulder, pressed up against me. “He won’t let us use his house if you don’t.”

Keith kissed the side of my cheek. “Please, do it for me so we can keep seeing each other.”

I wanted to run away. My head throbbed as I tried to figure out what to do. I didn’t want to be uncool. I didn’t want him not to like me. I felt I had no choice.

“It had better be quick,” I said. I returned to sit on the bed.

“Don’t worry,” he said before leaving. “He’ll probably come in his pants just looking at you.”

I waited in the silence of the room, wondering what I’d gotten myself into, listening for footsteps on the stairs, thinking maybe I should change my mind. Get up. Leave. Walk away. I didn’t know how to do it. To make such a stand. To say no. To speak up for myself.

In through the door, Gordy walked timidly, keeping his eyes on the floor. He didn’t say anything, and neither did I. He stepped slowly forward until he stood in front of me. I unzipped his pants and did as I was expected to do.

Keith had been right. It took no time at all. Though Gordy stunned me when suddenly he pulled out my mouth, turned, grabbed the garbage can beside his bed and ejaculated into it.

“What the fuck?” I said, hand to my lips. “What’d you do that for?” He’d just broken every rule I thought I understood, of all I’d read in Viva and Playgirl magazines.

“I didn’t want to come in your mouth.”

“Pffh.” I shook my head in disbelief. The day becoming stranger by the minute.

He did up his pants. “Thanks,” he said in a low voice, his cheeks red, his eyes avoiding mine. He exited the bedroom, leaving me alone.

I fixed my hair with my hands, walked slowly downstairs, said my goodbyes, and left Gordy’s house.

I walked back to school thinking about what had happened. How I’d switch it all around to present it to Debbie. How I’d leave out the parts I didn’t want to remember.

I rehearsed my lines about how great it’d been with Keith. I tried my best to downplay and rationalize the rest; it hadn’t seemed right, yet I couldn’t accept it as wrong. It seemed like the way things were. If I wanted to survive, I had to get used to it.

Keith and I met at Gordy’s house several times throughout the next month, and each time I provided Gordy with a favour for the use of his room. I’d come to accept it as part of normal. Even though I didn’t like doing it, I kept doing it because what else was a girl supposed to do?

I never asked for anything in return. It was out of the question to ask a guy to stick their hand down my pants or heaven forbid, put their mouth there. Being a woman meant giving guys what they wanted. Giving them pleasure. I accepted it as the way it was. A girl should expect nothing in return.

All boys were the same, I concluded. It didn’t matter if they were straight A student or high school dropouts, they all wanted the same thing… it was all about releasing that hardness in their pants.