52 DAYS OF FITNESS CHALLENGE: DAY 15

I Will Never Lose Weight Until I Can Answer This Question

But… can I answer this question?

Hello, everyone. Welcome to day 15 of my 52 Days of Fitness challenge. As those of you who have been following know, I am attempting (poorly) to lose 10 pounds before a vacation in mid-August.

You can read more about it here:

Today, rather than talk about what I did and didn’t do over the past few days, I want to talk about something a little different.

And that’s food.

Or, to be more specific, my my relationship with food. And why I think I struggle so hard to control my eating, even when I want (or think I want) to lose weight.

I want to at least start to answer this question: Why am I hungry — or why do I think I am hungry — all the damn time?

Eating: A Love Story

I love to eat.

And like many people, I have a complicated relationship with food. Sometimes it is physically and emotionally healthy, like it was at the beginning of 2021, when I wrote this:

At that time in my life, I was just over a year sober and giving myself a fairly long leash with food, as the newly sober tend to do. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. I exercised regularly. And I was at great peace with my body.

I was also 10 pounds lighter than I am now.

Weight Gain: Definitely Not A Love Story

I could blame the weight gain on a lot of things: a foot injury that has all but taken me out of running, my age, the summer weather.

I could blame it on Rio. I could blame it on the rain.

But that would be disingenuous.

The problem is that I eat too much.

I eat when I’m bored. I eat when I’m happy. I eat when I’m tired. I eat to celebrate, and to grieve.

I eat to satisfy actual physical hunger.

And I eat to satisfy… something else. Some spiritual or emotional longing, I guess. Some unmet need.

I mean, we all have our stuff.

I Could Also Blame My Mother (Sorry, Mum. I Love You).

Like 99% of the folks out there who struggle with “food issues” (yeah, note the quotation marks, because are they “issues” if everyone has them?), I can trace at least some of this back to childhood.

I could get into this, but I don’t think my experience is all that different or more interesting than anyone else’s.

But in a (pea)nut (butter cookie) shell, here are the events and attitudes that I believe shaped my feelings about food, in a somewhat chronological order:

• My mother (I love her, I really do) kept a pretty tight rein on the candy and junk food when we were kids.
• Because of this, I always felt deprived. Note the word “felt” here. I was not deprived!!! I just didn’t get to eat candy and potato chips as often as I wanted to.
• I became obsessed with junk food.
• When we got older my mother loosened the reins on the “good” stuff and starting bring home chips and cookies and such on the weekly grocery shop. Awesome!
• Except… my brother usually ate it all before I even had a crack at it, leaving me with a feeling that I had to “fight” for the food I had craved since childhood.
• I was afraid of being fat (it was the ’70s and ‘80s — everyone was afraid of being fat), and I tried not to eat too much because of that.
• I was always hungry.
• I am still always hungry. I mean, not always actually hungry. Just always… wanting.

So, my armchair analysis here? I eat too much because I felt deprived in childhood. And I always want… something but I don’t know what it is.

Is this close to being right? I think it’s a start.

Will it help me going forward with this weight loss challenge?

I guess we’ll see.

And Now… Today’s Weigh-In

I weighed myself this morning. Didn’t want to. Forced myself because that’s what I said I was going to do.

I have gained 0.4 pounds since the beginning of this challenge on June 26th, 2023.

Could be worse.

Could be better.

I’m heading to the gym now. Thanks so much for reading.