HUMOR
I Watched the Tiger King and Tried to Become One Myself
The best documentary of 2020 didn’t tell me that tigers are dicks
Have you seen the Tiger King documentary yet? Holy shit, what a wild ride. If you haven’t had the chance to watch it yet, you need to quit your job and go do so.
Right now.
Go on, I’ll wait.
It’s only 8 hours.
Most people seem to think that every single character in the show was a dick, but then I remind them that the tigers weren’t. The tigers were passionate animals full of love, caring, and furriness. Kind of like a sexy party with furries, but more fun and more sex.
After binge-watching the entire 7 episodes and binge drinking an entire 7 vodka bottles, I knew I had a new mission in life.
I would become the ruler of all tigers, the true Tiger King.
Move out of the way Joe Exotic —JJ Erotic is coming to town.
I ventured to the internet to find my new kingdom. I knew from the documentary there were several amazing wild animal private nature reserves where the animals have thousands of centimeters of space to roam.
I began a concerted effort to reach out to the animal conservationists from the show.
Carole Baskins offered me a spot working in her meat grinder room, but I turned her down as I could tell the equipment was quite used.
Doc Antle said I could come work at his zoo, but I flirted with one of his 6 wives and he rescinded the offer.
Jeff Lowe propositioned me to work in the playground with him and his wife. He said it involved swinging and lots of foreplay, so I had to decline. I’m not fond of playing on swingsets.
I reached out to Joe Exotic at the prison, but he couldn’t offer me a job. It turns out you can’t leave prison whenever you want to. Who could’ve known?
These efforts were getting me nowhere, really fast.
I decided to take matters into my own paws and go somewhere closer to a tiger’s natural habitat — an African Lion Safari. It turns out this African safari is not actually located in Africa. Rather, it’s situated in Canada. Nor are there any tigers there, just chilly lions.
I finally realized I should just go to the local zoo and integrate that way. I could lead the local population. Then take my new furry friends to the next zoo, and the next zoo, and the one after that. Before you know it, world domination. Of tigers.
I snuck into the local zoo later that night. I was able to get in as I was dressed in my white monkey suit. Some people call that being naked. But I would soon no longer care what people think.
A tiger king doesn’t concern himself with the opinion of sheeple.
I’m currently in the hospital recovering from wounds, so I’ll have to share the rest of the story with the notes I took that night.
Night 1: Getting Acquainted
- Snuck out of monkey prison to find tiger exhibit
- Spotted by zookeeper. Monkey imitation skills paid off. Note to self: Learn to sing Dance Monkey by ‘Tones and I’.
- Stealthily arrived in tiger area. Slept peacefully.
Day 2: Furballs
- Immediately upon waking, viciously attacked by gang of tigers. Survived. Barely.
- Tigers are dicks.
