I wasn’t Married to my mom, but people thought I was, and it made me uncomfortable

I still miss her

My mom and I went to the grocery store, the cashier was an attractive lady a little younger than I was. I was going to smile and start talking when she made a comment that mortified me. “ Here you go, I hope you and your husband have a great day.” I wanted to die right there.

I had never lived on my own

In the Nineties, I lived with my family in Florida. Dad worked a lot of hours, so he was too tired, he didn’t want to do anything with my mom. Mom wanted companionship, so I was always with her.

I resented her and dad for putting me in that situation, but I didn’t know what to do about it. So I did the one thing that would hurt my mom the most.

I quit going to church

My mom was a Christian woman, my siblings and I grew up going to church if we wanted to or not. In my thirties, I quit going to church with my mom.

Mom went out alone more often, but I still went to the beach with her, we both loved going to the beach.

The wrong thing for the right reasons

I knew it upset her, and I wasn’t happy about that, but I wanted to break free. The messed up thing was, I never did break the chains. My self-worth was in the toilet. I was convinced my dad was the enemy, and I had no real idea how men acted around each other.

Things started to change when my mom’s brother, Richard moved in with us. The real change came when my mom was diagnosed with the Brain Tumor.

I thought my world had ended

After mom died, I thought for sure my life was over, but I found out some things. My dad wasn’t the ogre my mom and I thought he was, and my mom was a good person, but she wasn’t a Saint.

I went out more by myself, I was more talkative, but still too shy, it was like a weight was lifted from me. I started to feel like the real Lawson was coming out, and I liked what I saw.

My dad saw the change in me

I was laughing and joking with my dad and uncle one day. My dad looked at me and said, “ Son, don’t take this the wrong way, but your mother’s death was a good thing for you.”

He was surprised when I agreed with him.

My mom’s death was the most painful period in my life, but if it hadn’t happened I would not have grown and matured. It needed to happen, but it still hurts after almost thirty years.

Final Thought:

Death and change hurt, God does it hurt. But you can get through it, and it might take some time, but there will be good things on the other side.