I was Thinking…

Summary

The author reflects on a tumultuous, on-and-off relationship with a man who struggles with addiction and instability, ultimately concluding that he was not "The One" despite their deep connection.

Abstract

The author recounts a complex relationship with a man who has been a significant presence in her life over the years. Despite a strong gravitational pull that brings them together every decade and a half, the author decides to sever ties after realizing the relationship is mutually destructive. The man, who has a history of substance abuse and erratic behavior, has recently become engaged, but his fiancée, initially introduced as "Kira," turns out to be named Kirsten. The author, concerned for his well-being, reaches out to the fiancée only to find herself in a complicated dynamic where she tries to help but feels undermined by the fiancée's enabling behavior. The piece serves as a cathartic release for the author, who acknowledges that holding onto the idea of this man as "The One" only perpetuates hurt, and she resolves to close this chapter of her life.

Opinions

The author feels a profound and persistent connection to the man, which she describes as having a gravitational pull.
The author is deeply affected by the man's struggles with addiction and his cyclical pattern of instability.
She expresses skepticism about the man's engagement, particularly after discovering his fiancée's real name is Kirsten, not K

Did I Ever Have A One?

Dreamtime.com

I am sorry to anybody in my life who reads this and finds themselves hurt. Like Johnny Cash sings so soulfully. Have you ever had The One. Maybe it isn’t even the one, but it sure as hell felt like it. I am not going to even say his name as we both have some gravitational pull towards each other and always find each other every 15 years or so. This time I won’t answer the phone.

i even know his phone number by heart. It’s sick, but that is what happens whn you find yourself pregnant and you have four days before they can no longer do an abortion. You get connected. Not only me. He did too. He wanted to have the baby. We were on pills and out of control. I told him I knew it was the only way.

Ever since that day there is a bond that goes past that of scary. Last time I talked to him. He said he was happy…come to find out his life was out of control again. “Oh why, oh why…I hang my head to cry.” The suffering he puts himself through is more than anybody can handle. He told me he was finally engaged. i was happy for him, but I needed to call her because he was in a bad way. He is like a dog that is dying…he wanders the globe until he finds his way home to me. I am the only one who he will let help him.

Beyond creepy. Time to block the caller ID. I don’t want him to die, but I am sick of hanging my head to cry. Beautiful Boy what happened to you? Why do you do what you do? so many people care about you. Okay creeper. When he told me he was engaged I was so happy for him. I was married to Brad and they met. I asked about her and he said her name was “Kira.” I said “Stop it. Really what is her name?” He again said “Kira.” He went on to say “I know it’s weird, but that’s her name out of all names.”

Hello! I wasn’t born yesterday so I had to get her number somehow since he was out of control and high. He needed help. He started nodding off and said “You don’t believe me, look at my phone.” Just like that he was passed out and two Kira’s in his phone. When he came out of his stupor and left I immediately called her. I said this is Kira, ****’s ex girlfriend. She wasn’t so pleasant and said to me, “ I know who you are. Who doesn’t when he is around.” Her name is Kirsten. Kirsten = Kira … doesn’t work pal. Kirsten and I ended up becoming phone buddies. I tried to help her, but she enabled him. I threw crack pipes against the wall, while she offered him up the pipe (so to speak). I am glad i wrote this piece. It is cathartic for my soul and it’s weird.

I no longer feel like you were ever “The One.” We are hurting each other and we’ll do it again. I can’t be holding on to what you got when all you got is hurt.

Chapter Closed. Please take care of yourself out there.