Summary

The author was "slow faded" by their best friend, who gradually withdrew from the relationship while giving mixed signals and making plans they never intended to keep, ultimately leading to the end of the friendship without clear communication.

Abstract

The term "slow fading" refers to a passive method of ending a relationship, where one party gradually reduces contact without explicitly stating their intention to break up. The author's experience with this phenomenon involved their best friend who would initiate plans and then cancel last minute, suggesting alternative meetups which also fell through. Despite the friend's reassurances and apparent excitement for future gatherings, including the author's birthday celebration, the friend consistently failed to show up and eventually stopped communicating altogether. The author felt gaslighted by this behavior, as the friend's actions did not align with their words, leaving the author confused and hurt. The final betrayal came when the author discovered their friend had attended another event during the time they were supposed to be celebrating together, proving the friend had no intention of maintaining the friendship.

Opinions

The author believes slow fading is a cruel and unfair way to end a relationship, akin to gaslighting, because it leaves the other person in a state of confusion and false hope.
The author considers slow fading to be even worse than ghosting due to the prolonged period of uncertainty and emotional turmoil it causes.
There is a sentiment that natural drifting apart in a relationship due to life changes (like moving away) is acceptable, but the deceptive nature of slow fading is not.
The author initially tried to rationalize the friend's behavior and gave the benefit of the doubt despite their gut feeling suggesting otherwise.
After discovering the friend's lies, the author felt it was

PERSONAL & RELATIONSHIPS

I Was “Slow Faded” by My Best Friend

What happened?

What is slow fading?

A slow fade is a way people use to end a relationship, without telling you this. This decision to end the relationship is one-sided.

The people think they are being kind by cutting you off slowly. Rather than ghosting where they just ignore you.

I think it’s not much of a difference. You don’t know why the other wants to end the relationship. It’s hard to understand and not fair.

I even think slow-fading is worse than ghosting. It’s like a slow death.

You might also hope to revive the relationship. I had that when my former best friend did that to me.

Sometimes relationships slow fade from both sides. After leaving college or when someone moves far away. Both don’t call or write to each other that much like before. The contact fades over time. That’s natural and fine.

But here’s the case, like with my best friend.

My experience

She slow-faded me, and it was nothing but gaslighting!

She answered occasionally and even started conversations. Asked to meet. I always said yes. I was available whenever she needed me.

When I asked her to meet, she didn’t answer for days. Then she answered and was so excited to meet me again! As if she changed her mind.

She even made plans for a short trip or things to do. She proposed some activities — I said yes to all of them. I was happy that she wanted to see me.

We knew each other for several years and met regularly until then.

Shortly before our meeting, she canceled. This happens more often. But she still suggested new meetings on her own initiative. Thus, I thought everything was okay. That something really came up.

I thought we continue to be best friends, and the circumstances just do not fit. She said everything is okay. Apparently, it wasn’t. She canceled our meetings more often.

When we did see each other once in a while, it was all fine.

We had a good time and great conversations. She also wanted to come over for my birthday, even drive away with me for a few days after it.

I was happy! My gut feeling that she was no longer interested in the friendship had disappeared.

My birthday

The plan was for her to come to my house the day before my birthday. She suggested that. She wanted to help me with the preparations.

I was going to celebrate with 10 people at home. She suggested she stays at my place for a few days, and then we go on a spa trip over the weekend.

The day before my birthday, she said she was a little tired.

She wanted to rest and not drive to me until my birthday. No problem, I said. I even suggested I pick her up on my birthday if she didn’t want to drive.

She declined with thanks and said she was happy to drive, and I was looking forward to it. The next morning, I wrote to her and asked how she was. She read it and did not answer.

I didn’t think anything of it, since she wanted to come over later. My party was supposed to start at 8 p.m., but she wanted to come over around 11 a.m.

It was 3 p.m. and I still haven’t heard from her. I called her once, and it went straight to voicemail. I was worried that something had happened to her.

Two hours later, I got a message from her.

“Sorry, I was feeling better and was about to leave. Then I wasn’t so fit, after all. I can’t make it. All the best, have a great celebration! ❤ ❤ ❤ I’m glad you’re my best friend! Really looking forward to our weekend!”

I was sad, but mostly I was worried about her.

The next morning, a package arrived in the mail. A book, the birthday present from my supposed best friend. With a note saying she was sorry she couldn’t make it. That she also had to cancel the weekend because she wasn’t fit.

Why “supposedly” best friend?

The package was posted 3 days ago! One day before she felt unwell. When she planned my birthday and our weekend!

I could not believe it. Thought it was a mistake at first. I didn’t want to believe it and gathered my courage.

Even though it could be a mistake, I could destroy her trust by asking. I had to know if she really never intended to come.

At first, she did not answer my statement that the package had already been sent 3 days ago. That the post office might have printed something wrong. I did not want to accuse her directly of lying.

Then she admitted she had already sent it. That she didn’t want to disappoint me. That she had been sick before. Hoped to be fit again in time. To be on the safe side, she sent the package anyway.

Why then the message with the cancellation for the whole weekend, if she hoped to be fit? It didn’t quite add up, but I believed her. She apologized again and suggested we make up the weekend soon. I agreed.

The next day

I saw someone tagged her in a photo on Facebook. The photo was from the day of my birthday. She was at a party with another friend.

There were also photos from the weekend — our planned spa weekend.

The one she suggested. Photos of her, taken by a photographer. She had a photo shoot that weekend. A few miles from where I live!

She not only lied several times but was even in the neighborhood!

My partner at the time thought she only wanted to come here to spend the night near the shooting location. But she then realized it was too much hassle for her and found a better option.

She never intended to spend time with me.

I didn’t confront her with the photo shoot. I don’t chase after anyone who doesn’t want to spend time with me.

Still, I was eager to know the reason. I wrote to her a week later. That’s when I was able to do it. The whole week I was very sad and down.

I asked her if we could talk on the phone. She said she was busy at the moment and would get back to me.

Weeks later, she did. She wanted to meet and talk. I agreed. The meeting didn’t happen, she postponed it several times. At some point, I stopped asking.

She did not contact me anymore. For a long time, I didn’t hear from her.

Read here about what she is doing now.

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