I Was One Of The Boys That Tried Out, And Was Cut From, The Basketball Team That Allowed Air Bud, A Dog, To Play

In the fall of my seventh-grade year my mom convinced me that I should get involved in some extracurricular activities. I liked basketball, so I decided to try out for the team.

Now, I wasn’t the best one out there. I wasn’t the best shooter. I certainly wasn’t the fastest or the most athletic. I wasn’t particularly tall (though taller than your average golden retriever, foreshadowing). But do you know what I was? A HUMAN CHILD!

I know, so far, this story seems unremarkable. I’m not the first kid to ever try out for a team in middle school and not make it. I understand that. But, I am one of the only people who has ever tried out for, and been passed over by a team that eventually, not only found a roster spot for, but gave real, legitimate playing time to a dog.

Think about the courage it takes to go pay money and support a team that cut you. You’re just clapping and cheering, being the bigger man, when, into the game comes not some other child who beat you out during tryouts; not even some new kid that just moved here. But a Canis lupus familiaris, which is science for a god damn dog.

As the dog checks into the game, our team’s coach is confronted by the referee. One can only imagine the referee said something to the effect of “why are you playing a dog when there are human children, capable of feeling shame and sadness, here watching this game?” And our coach tells the official that, “there is no rule in the rulebook that says dogs can’t play.” Do you know why there is no rule in the rulebook? Because only the most sinister amongst us would value winning so much that they would play a wild animal over a child.

There may not be a rule that says dogs can’t play basketball, but I’m pretty sure Washington state has leash laws! So technically, a full on crime was being committed! Shit, I wish I had realized this was illegal in the moment. Does anyone know the statute of limitations on leash laws?

Also, I’m pretty sure you have to be a student at the school to play on the basketball team. Otherwise, why didn’t Coach Dipshit bench that dog and the rest of his team of four-foot-tall middle schoolers and field a team of seven-foot NBA retirees? Don’t tell me it’s an age thing, that dog was at least 5, which is 35 in dog years. We would’ve smoked the dicksweat off the other team if we’d fielded a team of Moses Malone, Bo Outlaw and three bench players from the ’82 Denver Nuggets. I mean, they’re just as much a part of our school as that mangy dog.

Eventually, the dog has to shoot free throws. The ref tosses the ball to the dog, the dog jumps up (over the free throw line) and noses the ball into the basket and everyone, refs, crowd, everyone just ignores the lane violation the dog commits. At that point, in my mind, the officials are complicit in all of this.

When I got out of my seat and started yelling about these violations, not only did the refs not give a shit, but my own classmates started booing me, calling me stuff like “Dog hater.” Fine, boo me now, but see if I feel sympathy for you Jason when some sort of cat with an internalized metronome shows up and takes your spot hitting the bass drum in the marching band. Then who will be laughing? It certainly won’t be you, because this hurts like piss.

I cannot even express how my entire life was shaped by the moments I spent impotently holding a bag of popcorn while I watched a fur-covered animal live out all of my dreams.

People are worried about robots taking all of our jobs; shut the hell up. While you are worried about the robots there is a creature walking around your home, posing as man’s best friend; but that beast is not your best friend. He looks only to betray you and replace you and have Angela, the popular cheerleader, cheer HIS name and want to talk to HIM after the game.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a fish how to emasculate a man in front of his friends and you’ve given the man a resentment toward animals for a lifetime. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to work at this kill shelter.