I Was Once The Toxic Girlfriend Your Mum Warned You About

We often hear about toxic men, it’s time to shed some light on toxic women!

8 years ago, I was the toxic one in all my relationships, and I was totally clueless about it. I often wondered why my relationships failed.

After an overwhelming amount of heartache, self reflection, therapy and prayer. I have finally seen the light.

This incredible journey has granted me the invaluable opportunity to reflect on my past actions and recognize the detrimental patterns that eluded me in those days. So here are 4 traits of a modern toxic girlfriend:

1. She constantly seeks attention and validation from others

In my pursuit of external validation, I craved compliments, reassurance and constant admiration to feed my ego. Whether it was through flirtatious behavior dressing provocatively or constantly seeking confirmation of my attractiveness, I was always looking for the next fix.

Oh, let me tell you about the time I was chilling at a bus stop with my then-boyfriend. We’re coming out of this fancy performance, feeling all cultured and sophisticated, ready to head home and call it a night. Our evening takes an unexpected detour, and guess who’s to blame? Yours truly! That’s right, I managed to turn a perfectly good evening into a comedy of errors and gaslighting.

So there I was holding hands with my man, when suddenly this guy appears out of nowhere. And let me tell you, he was in a whole different world. He was swaying back and forth like a Roman model. And his eyes, oh boy, they were locked onto me like a heat-seeking missile. I couldn’t help but wonder if he mistook me for a celebrity or something. He stared at me, I stared back and winked at him. My boyfriend went crazy. Call me crazy, I didn’t see anything wrong, instead I blamed him for overreacting.

The constant need for validation led me to engage in attention-seeking behaviors that were harmful to both myself and my relationships. I would flirt with others, seek attention from exes, or intentionally create drama to keep the focus on me. It was a toxic cycle that left me feeling empty and my partners feeling neglected.

2. She posts every detail of her love life on social media

I used to spend so much time and energy crafting the perfect image on social media, making sure that everyone knew how amazing my love life was. I would post every detail of every date night, every romantic gesture, and every heartfelt message for the world to see.

Little did I know that this behavior was not only toxic but also detrimental to the actual relationship. I was more invested in curating the perception of a perfect romance than nurturing the connection with my partner. I prioritized likes comments and validation from strangers over genuine connection and intimacy.

3. She plays the victim and avoids taking responsibility

One of the most toxic traits I had was playing the victim and avoiding taking responsibility for my actions. Whenever a relationship didn't work out, I would blame the other person completely. I painted myself as the innocent wronged party while disregarding any accountability for my own mistakes or shortcomings.

By refusing to acknowledge my part in the downfall of those relationships, I remained stuck in a cycle of repeating the same toxic patterns. It wasn't until I took ownership of my mistakes and began to work on myself that I was able to break free from this destructive behavior.

4. She belittles and manipulates her partner

Toxicity can also manifest in the form of belittling and manipulation. I would often criticize and belittle my partner, making them feel small and inadequate. I would use manipulation tactics such as guilt-tripping or withholding affection to control and manipulate them into doing what I wanted.

There was a time we were all dressed up for a fancy dinner, ready to indulge in some mouthwatering cuisine. But oh no, as I’m sitting across him admiring my amazing boyfriend, I notice he wasn’t wearing the beige tie like I had asked. My fingers began doing the cha-cha slide on the table. I’m giving him the stink eye because how dare he not wear a tie that matches my dress. Disaster strikes! The dinner went from fine dining to a culinary catastrophe.

See, I had an invisible checklist that was ticked off every single day, and heaven forbid he missed even one tiny little box. Why was it important? I wanted him to represent me in a certain manner.

These toxic behaviors not only eroded the trust and love within the relationship but also left my partner feeling emotionally drained and unappreciated. It took a lot of self-reflection and personal growth to realize the damage I was inflicting and to put an end to these toxic habits.

Conclusion

Now that I am out of that mentality, it feels as if the world has completely opened up to me. I see myself and my romantic relationships much more clearly. I see relationships as the coming together of two whole people, and not two broken people trying to complete each other.

Shedding light on toxic women is an essential part of promoting healthy relationships. By recognizing and addressing these toxic behaviors, we can strive for personal growth, self-awareness and healthier connections with our partners. It's never too late to break free from these harmful patterns and build the loving, respectful relationships we deserve.

Don’t let the algorithm hide you from me, subscribe to my email list here, so you are notified when I publish.

© Dona Mwiria, July 2023