I Was First in New Mexico To Select Gender X, Then I Changed My Mind

Here’s why I legally changed my gender a third time.

I shouted at my mother, “Of course, little girls can have a penis! I have one!” She had just told me I couldn’t be a girl. I was three, and this was 1965.

Mama told me later I upset her so badly that she went to a counselor for advice. He said it was just a phase I’d get over, but it had to be a secret. In the 1960s, this was the best advice possible, although I still mourn that I didn’t get to grow my hair out, get my ears pierced, and be myself.

It was our secret, and when it was just the two of us Mama would let me play with dolls and play dress up. A couple of times Dad came home unexpectedly, saw me, and flew into a rage. He’d shout, punch a hole in the wall, and terrify both of us.

I wasn’t what he envisioned as a son.

I could read well at three and vanished into books, mostly with girl protagonists: Nancy Drew, Dorothy of Oz, and various princesses. To survive, I had to live two lives at once, the perfect obedient Baptist boy on the outside, the secret girlie girl on the inside. I cried at night and begged God to fix me.

Puberty sucked.

I don’t know how I survived. Life marched on. I made the best of things. I went to gay bars, not because I was a male person looking to be with men, but because I felt a sense of safety in the midst of drag queens and the rare trans person.

Even when I was old enough to stop, I continued attending churches that hated LGBTQ people. I regret that so much. I can’t even explain why other than all my family and social group were entrenched in the church. It was all I’d ever known.

Once I went to HoJon’s, a gay disco in Montgomery, with my mom. A dozen people from my own church were picketing and screaming at folks that they were going to hell. I screamed back, “I go to Christian Life Church, and I’m here with my mom!” I doubt they believed me. My gorgeous and flamboyant Mama looked like a drag queen.

When I was 56, I felt like the world had finally eased up on hating trans folk, and I began my transition. It helped that I am blessed to live in a state where the laws protect LGBTQ citizens. The Transgender Resource Center of New Mexico was incredible throughout the process.

In the beginning, my hair was short, I had just started hormones, and despite wearing the appropriate clothes and makeup for my gender, my presentation to the world appeared to be part man and part woman.

Changing gender outwardly is a process, not a moment in time.

On October 29th, 2019 a new law went into effect that allowed anyone born in New Mexico to change their gender marker by signing a form in front of a notary. I was at the state office an hour early so I could be in the front of the line. It was remarkably easy. I left an hour after they opened with a birth certificate saying my gender was “X,” which in New Mexico means “a gender other than male or female or an undesignated gender.”

I was the first in the state to change my gender marker to X and considered that to be a great honor.

I also changed my other identification documents. I wanted the “X” because it reflected my life’s experience. I was always female in my mind and soul and only male on the outside. My safety would have been at risk if I had transitioned earlier.

Then, after a year of living with my outward presentation reflecting my inward truth, I realized I’d made a mistake. My life surviving in the guise of a man was never of my choosing and never who I was. I wore the mask of masculinity in a world that I perceived wasn’t ready for my truth.

I was always female, not a blend of gender identities.

Once again I went back to public health and got a birth certificate with the gender marker “F.” Once again I changed my driver’s license and other identity documents. I still have three different birth certificates, all with different gender markers.

The real, most authentic me is and always has been “F.” I’m grateful to be in a community where no one has ever been mean to me because of my being trans. There is great joy in being oneself and my best life is still to come.

I’ve had an amazing life and look forward to telling you many more poignant and amazing stories. Please follow me and consider buying me a beverage by clicking here. Thank you.