I Was Bullied. My Kids and Grandkids were Bullied. It’s Got to Stop
It’s time for a national conversation on bullying
I was bullied unmercifully by several boys, but especially by the kid on the receiving end of this punch. He hit me and kicked me every day for years. I don’t have photos of that, but a neighbor managed to grab the moment when I’d had enough.
The kid, Donald, had just hit my brother and said nasty things about my mom and a donkey. I confronted him, and we traded punches. He was so mean to everyone that the neighborhood kids were cheering me on.
Donald once randomly hit me so hard that he knocked out two teeth. He was yelling that I was f*g. His parents paid my dental bill, and he calmed down a bit. Back then, Donald and my other bullies led to me contemplating ending my life.
When I had a family of my own, I was horrified by the bullying stories my step-kids told me. For example, my stepdaughter came home upset because one of her friends in eighth grade was pregnant, and the friend’s boyfriend was slugging her in the stomach trying to end the pregnancy. My stepdaughter got hit when the principal was trying to break up the incident, and a misplaced punch came her way. After that, my spouse and I withdrew the kids and homeschooled them.
Now, my girlfriend’s grandson is being picked on almost daily. Several boys are hitting him and trying to get him upset. (He’s on the spectrum.)
That’s forty years of my own experience of being bullied and seeing loved ones bullied. I refuse to accept that it’s just the way things have always been and will always be.
Nationwide (in the U.S.), around 20% of kids report that they are being bullied. Worldwide, the number averages out to closer to one-third. I’m stunned by that number. I really thought it would be much higher. I reviewed several sources, and that percentage seems to be consistent.
Bullying is never just about the moment it happens. It can adversely affect the rest of the victim’s life. Many kids have ended their lives due to bullying. “Research indicates that persistent bullying can lead to or worsen feelings of isolation, rejection, exclusion, and despair, as well as depression and anxiety, which can contribute to suicidal behavior.”
Students ages 12–18 who reported being bullied said they thought those who bullied them:
Had the ability to influence other students’ perception of them (56%).
Had more social influence (50%).
Were physically stronger or larger (40%).
Had more money (31%).
Kids are bullied due to race, socio-economic status, gender identity, being gay or being perceived as gay, being neuro-divergent, and so much more. A kid in my life is continuously taunted by asshole boys that tease him that he doesn’t have a dad. We don’t even know how the kids came to that conclusion, but this child comes home upset every day.
So, What Can We Do to Reduce Bullying?
All states have anti-bullying legislation. Federal laws require schools to intervene in bullying based on discrimination. But these things are just the tools rather than solutions.
Let’s brainstorm together (in no particular order):
- Playground Mediation: I was a professional mediator for thirty years. Along the way, I got to help teach mediation skills to interested kids. Numerous programs focus on this, but it’s not been implemented on a wide scale. A research project found that an amazing 90% of playground conflicts were resolved when student mediators were present. A HUGE bonus is that the skills the student mediators learn will be useful for the rest of their lives. This is the primary solution that I advocate, and I’m asking you to help promote this tool with teachers, school staff, and at school board meetings. Here’s a useful toolkit.
2. VOTE: It is crucial in America that we vote every opportunity that we can. There is a strong push from a very vocal minority that seeks to place candidates spewing hateful, divisive ideology at every level of government, and they are working from the bottom up. In particular, please vote for school and college board members that promote peace and acceptance for all.
3. Attend school board meetings and speak up: Not just about bullying but all the issues that arise that lead to conflict in the classroom. In every decision, we must let peace and kindness be our guide, but we have to show up.
4. Help your kid’s school implement creative solutions. My grandkid’s school just began a program where the known bullies cannot hang out together during recess. The playground has been divided into quadrants, and the troublemakers are separated into different areas. This is working! Bullies lose much of their power when they are alone. As an aside, research has found that well-intentioned zero-tolerance bullying programs don’t work. Creativity is required.
5. Demand that the school staff take action when a child complains of being bullied. My grandkid says they tell the teacher on duty when they are being bullied, but the teacher doesn’t intervene. This is absolutely unacceptable. There needs to be a clear, progressive response to bullying so that all kids know what repercussions are going to happen.
6. Help kids have the courage to report bullying. Kids often don’t report bullying because they fear “tattling” will make the bullies worse. They are probably right. Teaching courage and self-advocacy is essential in school and will be a skill they’ll use forever. Evil prevails when good kids do nothing. They need to understand that failing to stand up for themselves makes things worse for all the kids.
7. Teach kids to stand in unity against bullying. While zero-tolerance programs implemented by the school staff haven’t reduced bullying, getting all the kids to stand together against bullies will make a huge difference.
8. Go high-tech: Camera systems must be deployed so that once a complaint has been made, the video can be reviewed whenever an accused bully denies their actions.
9. Teach kids how to stand up to bullies. Get this toolkit and share it with bullied kids.
What ideas do you have? How can we best implement these ideas?
This article focused on bullying of kids, especially at school. Would you like to write about cyberbullying? Or bullying in other settings?
No Bully Help Hotline: 1–866–488–7386
STOMP Out Bullying HelpLine: view hours and chat online
GLBT National Youth Talkline: 1–800–246–7743
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1–800–273–8255
I am a trans woman, author, activist, and a former attorney and pastor. I’ve had an amazing life and look forward to telling you many more poignant and amazing stories. Please follow me and consider buying me a beverage by clicking here. Thank you.
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