He Asked Me What Drives Me and What Makes Me Tick
I never thought about it before so it took a few days. Here’s the answer.
One afternoon I was reading my messages on Slack when someone asked two questions.” Lawson, what drives you? what makes you tick?” I took a few days to think about it because no one had ever asked me that question, and it took some introspection to come up with an answer.
Deep Seated Anger
The first thing that came to my mind was rage. I’m angry with myself. I’m bitter that I couldn’t overcome the Dyslexia and other difficulties and be successful as other Dyslexics have been.
I’m angry at people I have met who are blessed with gifts and are more talented than I am who are squandering their God-given gifts and have not risen to where they could be.
I will not squander my gifts. If I ultimately fail, it will not be because I didn’t try by giving my all. A chip on my shoulder drives me.
A Chip on my shoulder
By the overheard whispers of co-workers, “ He’s slow, he won’t make it.” I want to show the Bastards that I’m not “ The screw-up.” I want to show my dad. My dad loved me, but he didn’t believe I could make it on my own. He felt that way because the evidence clearly showed he was right. The evidence was clear. I was evicted and was homeless seven years after he died.
The will to succeed drives me. In the Eighties, a Rehabilitation Counselor in Texas told me that my life was “ A Legacy of failure.” I’m sixty-one years old. I want to burn that Legacy down and piss on the flames.
That’s what drives me.
What makes me tick.
The desire to rise above the failures of my past. The need to write something that has meaning, something that a person can read years after I die and be moved by what I wrote.
I write because there is no one to tell me I can’t. I write to express myself and to reconcile with my past. I write because I enjoy telling stories. After writing for the past ten years, I can’t imagine not writing. I could not care less if I never earn a dime.
Takeaways: Pursue your dreams. Do whatever brings you joy. Don’t believe the lies people say about you. Ignore the back-stabbing and dirty looks, but use it as fuel.