I Was Afraid to Leave My Marriage

Then I got this one piece of advice

For far too long I was profoundly unhappy in my marriage. It seemed as if I was in tears on a daily basis. The irony was that with the exception of my mom and my cousin, everyone thought I had a great marriage. It’s not that I was necessarily faking it and pretending everything was great it’s just that I believed everyone had their own problems and wouldn’t want to hear about mine.

I wish I could reach back and hug the younger, sad version of myself and tell her that it would be OK, that life would get better. Because at that time I felt trapped and alone.

This wasn’t a case where I was being physically abused and feared leaving.

The cage I was trapped in was of my own making, I just didn’t realize the door was unlocked the entire time and I had the choice to leave.

I look back now and realize that if I had someone to talk to, if I had shared how profoundly sad I was and found someone to encourage me, life could have gotten better so much quicker.

There were three main reasons I chose to stay in my marriage as long as I did.

The greatest gift from my marriage was my four children and for this reason, I will never regret our union. Unfortunately, our first son Connor died from Sudden Unexpected Infant Death in 1997. Contrary to what people might assume, his death is not what led to the end of our marriage. In fact, we were closer in our grief than perhaps at any other time. It was the thought of Connor that made me stay. I had it in my head that to end the marriage would sever the final tie I had to my baby. No one other than my husband would ever fully understand the profound grief of his death.

I stayed to keep Connor’s memory alive.

I was too busy to get a divorce. Despite how unhappy I was personally, my business was growing rapidly. I was frequently traveling to make TV appearances, speak at conferences and meet with clients. I was also meeting with the school and taking my son to numerous doctors and therapists to figure out how best to help him. To say my plate was full was an understatement. I made the unfortunate choice to share with one friend how increasingly bad my marriage was becoming and listened to her advice, “Keep your head down and just focus on your career and kids.” I’m sure she meant well and maybe that was working for her (she too was in a miserable relationship) but it definitely wasn’t working for me. I tried for a couple more years, but I knew that I simply couldn’t cut off an entire part of my being — my spirit — and be happy.

When you’re unhappy in one area of your life it effects the others.

While there might not be work/life balance with your time, there must be with your soul in order to live a fulfilling and joyful life. That’s what I wanted. Even in the darkest days of my marriage, I knew that life wasn’t meant to be endured but rather enjoyed as a deeply satisfying journey filled with happiness, adventures, and love.

The third reason I stayed was because I had no clue how to leave.

I was frozen because I had no vision of what a future looked like as a single mom of three kids, one with intellectual disabilities.

No one in my family had ever gotten a divorce. My parents were happily married for nearly 40 years at that point and, while my mom was definitely supportive of whatever I chose to do, she had absolutely no point of reference. While she would always say “I’m here for you,” that just wasn’t the practical support I needed. And because I didn’t have anyone to talk to, thoughts just kept swirling around in my head and growing larger than life. Getting a divorce became this giant thing in my head and I had no idea how to even take the first step.

As a life transition coach, this one of the biggest things I work on with clients — how to break down fears and obstacles that feel overwhelming into practical small steps towards achieving a goal.

Interestingly enough, the concern of how a divorce would impact my kids never actually factored into my decision to stay. I know there are many couples who choose to stay in an unhappy marriage until the kids are out of school, but I saw the impact the tension and anger in my house was having on my kids.

Some people believe they shield their kids by never arguing in front of them, but stress is palpable and kids sense it.

Not only does it cause you more stress living this emotional double life but it sends the message to kids that hiding their feelings is normal.

At the time I only had one friend who was divorced. I finally confided in her how sad and overwhelmed I felt. Rather than talking it through for hours, she looked at me and said the one simple sentence that changed everything, “If you want a divorce go speak with a lawyer.” I know that might seem so obvious, but my mind had been so full of the “if’s” “then’s” and “why’s” I had overlooked this very basic first step.

That’s when I realized the cage I had put myself in had been unlocked all along.

By no means am I saying that the next year after I asked for a divorce was easy. It was one of the most painful and difficult times in my life. But taking that first step allowed me to see it was possible to reach my goal of happiness and peace.