I Want To But I Can’t.

How you can learn to say ‘No’ with confidence

Have you ever felt resentment towards yourself for not being able to tell people “no!”? It’s a common problem that many people deal with. I don’t mean being churlish, or unhelpful. I mean, when you don’t want to do something. Or when you have a schedule conflict but feel guilty about turning someone down.

How do you start saying no?

You start in little doses. Right now, your mind experiences strong emotions when you say No, such as fear, guilt, or sadness. When you experience these difficult feelings, the stress causes you to change your mind. When you practice setting limits, you should do it in a low-key environment that causes very little stress.

Start with people you don’t know in the community (such as in the drive-through line or at the bank). Attach the word “no” to the beginning of your sentences (if it fits the context, of course!). Get used to verbalizing the word no to strangers in a context that doesn’t produce all the emotions.

If it feels disrespectful, feel free to change your phrase to “no, thank you”. The words aren’t the problem. The real problem is when you cave under pressure. Next, practice with a friend or family member who knows your goal. Let them know that each time you see them, you are going to practice disagreeing about something. Anything.

After you get comfortable with that, try it with co-workers. Next, practice on people in your social circle. You have to 1) build the habit and 2) turn off the “Danger! Danger!” alarm that sets off your emotions of fear and guilt.

I can’t give you a timeframe with how long this will take. It probably took me a year or two before I was able to say “no, thank you” to close friends and acquaintances without feeling overwhelming guilt.

What to do with all this guilt?

It is not wrong to say no when you have schedule conflicts because you need to prioritize your immediate family, physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental health over everything else.

If you help people so much that you end up physically sick and have to be hospitalized, your ability to help others goes down to 0%. If you balance it out and help others, for example, 30% of the time, it will stay at a consistent level because you won’t burn out.

There are times when it’s the responsible thing to sacrifice your time and effort for others. This is a wonderful gift to be able to give others. The thing is, if you cannot say No to people, how do you know if you’re accepting the task out of helpfulness or out of guilt?

You have to be able to say No before you can say yes. If you are not able to do this, you will have to explain to your close family and friends that, in this season of life, you will be practicing saying No to most of their requests. Let them know that when you have learned how to set limits with yourself, you will be able to start being more helpful again.

Don’t allow pressure from other people to steal your time away from your family, cause you stress, or guilt-trip you into jobs that you’re not qualified to take. This includes helping other people.

Remember the airplane example? Put on your oxygen mask first.

Sorry, Aunt Berta, I’m busy.

Family members and close friends are the most difficult people to talk to about this subject. The people who are the closest to you feel hurt more deeply than others who are not emotionally attached.

Unfortunately, we also have to learn to set limits with our family. The ones who are kind and forgiving are easier to work with. The family members who do not practice setting boundaries on themselves are the most difficult to work with.

When dealing with difficult people, no explanations are necessary. Why? The types of people who argue with you are the types of people who will not listen to your reasons, either. No amount of explaining will make them say, “Oh, that makes sense! I’ll leave you alone now!”

After that, you can volunteer to cook or take care of people’s kids or help people move into a new house. Prioritize the tasks. Is it something that you are able to do? Is it a crisis? Does the person have other friends who are able or willing to help? Is it a cause that you feel strongly about? Does it require your unique talents?

Thoughts to Ponder

When you are first starting, saying No makes you feel guilt and fear. As you begin to get used to it, you begin to have more respect for yourself. Your confidence grows as you realize that you’re not going to be used anymore. Other people no longer have power over you.

I officially give you permission to tell them “No, not today!”