I Want To Cuss Out Loud And Say F**k You So Don’t Try To Stop Me

My tight rein over anger was truly a skill I had mastered

I rarely get angry. No, let me rephrase that — I rarely express my anger. I can’t even remember when it all started. When I was growing up, anger was something that was not acceptable, especially not from me. I also learned that angry people are dangerous and they do scary things.

I never truly understood the implication of expressing my anger. My parents would not tolerate a child who pitches fits, screams, yells and throws things. Anytime I felt angry, I would rush to a hidden corner somewhere, my room if I’m at home, and burst uncontrollably into tears. Instead of releasing pent-up energy, crying would suck me down deeper into the dark emotional tunnel. I did not permit myself to feel the lava erupting inside but instead, I invested time and energy managing the emotion. I learned to gulp it all down and was rather pleased with myself.

I believed my tight rein over anger was truly a skill I had mastered over time. To me, anger meant powerlessness. It’s not pretty. It has a dark reputation. Anger can get out of control, and it’s responsible for many negative issues in our society.

From a young age, I was brainwashed to accept that an honorable and decent woman is gentle, soft-spoken, and submissive — that I should strive to present these traits expected of a female.

Keep it down, girl

I worked very hard to live up to that familial and societal expectation. It demanded that I shut my mouth and listen. I never dared step over boundaries. Even when I felt anger rapidly rising inside me, I would bite my tongue, suppress it, and remain composed and serene on the outside. That’s because I believed my feelings of anger were not valid and wrong. If I can’t control my anger, that’s a sign of weakness. I have to squelch it before it rears its ugly head.

In my mind, I had assumed that responding with or acknowledging negative emotions would mean risking a complete loss of self-control, so I never attempted to fix or change anything. No matter what came up, I would avoid getting angry at all costs. It still has never occurred in public, and always manage to keep my act together.

Most of the time I’d rather blend and fade into the background, wishing no one would talk to me or approach me. When the world spins wildly and out of control, I seek refuge in my personal space. Solitude is heaven. Solitude is bliss. It’s the time that I get to be alone with my thoughts and I travel far and wide while I lay in bed.

As time passed, I discovered that there is more inside than this petrified, empathetic introvert. Secretly, I long for someone to hear me. I want to talk loudly and express myself in a way that would not make me feel less of who I am. I want to stand on stage and wow the audience. That realization forced me to recast my self-image in a different light.

I’ve had enough of being the soft and pleasant person I’m supposed to be, and I’m prepared to accept that those around me will find it difficult to handle the new me. That’s fine.

Is anger ever justified?

I’m angry as hell. I’m angry that I lost my voice. I’m angry that I have to hide what I truly feel and be ashamed of expressing my desire for love and justice. Anger does not make me a bad person because I’m allowed to feel. Destructive anger is beyond control, while constructive anger is within control and promotes healing. People have been reckless with my feelings, and I have every right to be angry.

I want to swear. I want to cuss out loud. I want to say F — k you! Did I shock you? You don’t have to because when others want to express their anger, they don’t care if I object. They say what they want to say, unapologetically. Why should it be any different for me? Is it because I’m a woman that I have to conform? Is it because anger was everyone else’s right, but not mine? And why does everyone feel they have a right to question my actions?

I get it. Anger may be a form of emotional abuse. I am certainly not condoning screaming matches or lashing out at others inappropriately. I’m sure those who know me would prefer that I remain silent, but I learned that approach is not healthy, and it’s not helping me in any way.

I struggled as the energy pushed its way out into the light. I felt the shackles that hampered me melt away. Letting myself be angry does not come easy, but I realized as I learn to listen to my emotions and honor them, I’m able to release the pressure that’s building up inside.

Time to let the steam out

Anger doesn’t just go away. It requires an outlet or it turns into resentment. Emotional pain such as anger leaves behind a residue that occupies our mind and body that can cause illness and affect our mental health. My anger isn’t about one thing. It comprises a million things joined together. I’m angry at myself for taking this long to realize that I have years of compounded anxiety and numbness.

I want to be completely human and to fully feel without worrying about how others will think. For the first time, I want to prioritize my emotions. Not everyone will understand and some may even do their best to shut me down, but I’ll not let them. Not anymore. If they can’t handle it, too bad for them, but I refuse to put a lid over the pot and pretend everything is okay.

I’m exhausted because those around me have undermined me and taught me to believe that I’m not worthy. The truth is, I’m allowed to get angry. I’m allowed to channel my anger into something positive. I give myself permission. I refuse to swallow it down because I deserve to be free. If people don’t understand, all I can say is F — k it. This is who I am.

My anger is not a result of bitterness or resentment. It’s born out of frustration and disappointment. I have a ton of things to be angry about, and my anger is not without justification.

I don’t know you, but I bet there are people and issues you’re dealing with that cause you to fume up. Express your anger and get in touch with your feelings because their response to your anger is really none of your concern.

Be honest. Be vulnerable. Most of all, be real because being human means you have a right to experience a full spectrum of emotions. Go ahead, let yourself get angry and set yourself free.