I Want A Lover Who Will Leave Me Alone Most of the Time.
“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.” Wayne Dyer
Hello Intrigued Reader. From the title you may be surprised to learn that I’m not an introvert. I actually do well with meeting people and can become atrociously social when need be. It isn’t all an act. I find people’s stories to be fascinating. I think that’s why I gravitated to Medium.
I did the marriage and children thingy. I raised five amazing kids that are now adults that I’m so freaking proud of. However, the marriage experience was a total bust. But half of you reading this know exactly what I mean.
I exercise every day so I’m comfortable participating in active adventures. You can take me almost anywhere and I’ll have fun. Museums, hiking, concerts, sporting events, shopping, jazz clubs, kayaking. You name it and I’ll gladly come along. Except for sky diving. I’m scared of heights and you people that do that are crazy. Oh, and I also truly believe only immediate family should be forced to go to those horridly long graduation ceremonies.
Yet, I’ve noticed something strange about myself. In the five years since my divorce, I’m enjoying being alone. It wasn’t like that in the beginning. I remember the first Christmas of the separation. The kids were with me on Christmas Eve and spent the night. We woke up Christmas morning, exchanged gifts and they left by 10am to go to their Dad’s place. I sobbed. I felt lost and deserted. Fast forward just a few years. I kiss my kids goodbye on Christmas morning and as soon as the door closes, I run to my couch absolutely giddy to be alone and enjoy my own movie marathon.
I’m not quite sure when this happened. Gentle Reader, please help me process this.
Here’s my guess as to my metamorphosis.
The freedom of never getting married again
I went through a difficult and hostile divorce. It really showed me how hard I worked and the future potential of a career I loved. The ex-husband, on the other hand, majorly messed up his career future. I became the main breadwinner. Anyone who has gone through a divorce knows how much money you lose both in the present and the future. I will never ever let a court tell me that I have to financially support an ex-spouse. Having marriage off the table has surprisingly felt freeing.
Finding new passions.
I was officially divorced when my youngest was 16. There is definitely a surge of intoxicating independence when you don’t have to rush home to the babysitter. I relished not having to answer to anyone. It very well may be that, in the beginning, I was nervous about the single stigma so I was constantly organizing events with friends. “Hey let’s check out this new restaurant I’ve been dying to try.” Or “Who is up for a drive to Jersey for a moon festival?”
Tag five or six friends and you will find someone that’s up for a night out. I am now way more social than I was when I was married. I get that part of the reason was that I was unhappily married so I didn’t want to hang with him anyway! But regardless, I don’t feel that single stigma because I’m too busy having fun.
Buying my own place
This was a dream that I thought would never manifest. But I kept my head up and powered through. I saved and saved and saved. Do you know all those social events that I wrote about above? Well, I was always looking for inexpensive outings. I can admit though that my biggest saving year was during Covid because a lot was shut down.
I cannot begin to put in words how much I love having my own place. I never had to negotiate where the furniture goes or share my closet. In my bedroom, I don’t have to clean up my stuff because….well it’s my stuff! So now the idea of someone moving into my bedroom is concerning. It reminds me of an episode of 2 Broke Girls. The character played by Jennifer Coolidge had a new boyfriend move in. She gave him one drawer for his things. Today that would be me.
This brings me to the bedroom or more specifically, the BED.
Okay Honest Reader, who really is comfortable sharing a bed? I roll. I lie diagonally. I talk in my sleep. I snore. I absolutely refuse to kick out my cat and my 67-pound dog. I have long hair that reaches halfway down my back. Yes, Aghast Reader, you can imagine the rat’s nest that my head looks like when I wake up.
I can do an occasional sleepover. I’ll play the game of Mrs. Maisel where I get up in the middle of the night to brush my teeth and fix my makeup. It’s all fantasy time after all. But every night? No, thank you.
Sincere Reader, it appears that I enjoy time alone. But I also like romance and dating and the occasional romp in the hay. Yet I don’t want a hookup and can’t imagine sex with no emotional connection. I’d consider polygamous relationships but I’m a very jealous person and I like the idea of sexual exclusivity.
I wonder what would happen if I listed those twelve words on a dating profile — “I want a lover who will leave me alone most of the time.”
Well I guess it can’t hurt to try….
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