I Turned To Hypnosis For Public Speaking Anxiety

Part One

I have spent the last few years being overly judgmental of people who refuse to overcome their fears. Bear with me…

My story begins, in a wondrous land. The land of roller coasters and fun. Orlando, obviously. For years, my husband had tried to get me to ride thrill rides with him. I had refused. Too afraid.

Now. When I say that I was “afraid”, I mean that I had a crippling fear. The fear of the sensation of falling. The sensation of rising up. The heights. Nothing worse than those slow climb roller coasters, am I right?

It was bad and it only got worse. Early in our marriage he managed to get me on a few rides, but I was so tense that I often got hurt. Then I spent the day hurt and angry. It wasn’t fun. I couldn’t understand why he was having fun.

In fact. I couldn’t understand how anyone was having fun. It got to the point that even looking at a roller coaster made me feel faint and want to cry and pass out. It was physically discomforting to even get near one. Let alone think about getting in line.

Still. I saw how much my husband enjoyed it and how much other people were enjoying themselves and I wanted in. I wanted it to be a fun experience. I wanted to be just as excited as everyone else. I just couldn’t. It was such an overpowering fear that I. Just. Couldn’t.

The plan

We had been out of the country for a few months and had enough extra cash for an extended trip back to Florida. This was before I caved and just bought a house there.

We had season passes to Universal Studios, so I booked us there for a whole week. I was going to overcome my fear!!!

I had read online about how I should start small. Kiddie rides. Work my way up. Even the kiddie rides were rough. I may not have been crippled by fear, but they still managed to make me light headed, dizzy, and scream much louder than any of the kids on board. My kids were always checking on me.

No. I had a better idea. I was going to rewire my own brain.

Here is what I did…

I started by getting near a ride and forcing a smile.

In my head I would say stuff like, “Fun. This is fun. These were made for fun. People are having fun. Fun.”

I repeated this process all day long. First by standing by the rides. Then watching them go through their climbs and loops and turns and drops. “Fun. Fun.”

Each day we came to the park and I upped my game a little. By the second or third day I gave myself permission to envision getting in line. “Fun. Fun.”

Next I imagined getting into the seat and latching in. (One of the scariest parts for me). “Great time. Great experience. I’m having a good fun time.”

I probably looked like a crazy person. Standing there. Muttering to myself with an insane smile plastered on my face. Staring at the rides. It’s whatever.

Next step

During this process I also rode some kid rides. Using my technique to tell myself what a great and fun experience it was and how much I enjoyed it. I know this is all clearly brainwashing, but I really really wanted to feel the actual joy of riding rides.

I already loved theme parks, because of the theming. But what if I could enjoy the rides?! Like everyone else!!

On the final day of our week long stay. I got into the single rider line at the Hulk. In case you don’t know. It is a pretty intense ride. One that I would NEVER have even stepped near, prior to this endeavor.

The single rider line was moving fast. That was the plan. Run up those stairs. Don’t even think about it. I knew that if I stood in line and waited for any period of time, the fear would creep up and overtake me. So I ran. Up the stairs. Onto the ride!

As the attendant walked by and pressed on my harness to ensure it was in. I realized what I had done. The adrenaline got me into the seat, but oh shit I was strapped in and this was it! I frantically asked him if it was secure, if he was sure, if he double checked. He nodded and walked off. Far less concerned than I would liked for him to have been.

In a minute or so the ride was over and I felt…AMAZING!

I rushed down and bought the souvenir picture.

My friends and family make fun of me for owning a picture of me riding a ride with three teenage boys sitting next to me. Complete strangers.

I don’t care. That picture is my Trophy. I earned it.

Update

I have ridden every single ride at Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure. When the Velocicoaster opened up, I was there for it. I have been on it at least a dozen times.

Look that one up if you don’t know it. Past me would have just dropped dead at the entrance. New me runs straight towards it with a huge, and real, smile on her face.

I have also gone to other theme parks on eagerly got in line. My husband is very happy with this development. He finally has a ride partner who isn’t panicking and begging him to get out of line.

Public speaking

I’m sorry if you clicked on this story to hear about speaking anxiety and then had to wade through a story about roller coasters, but it was important that you understood what is happening here.

As a kid, and probably all through my 20’s, I was very good at public speaking. I have zero idea exactly what changed, but I started to get a lot of anxiety around it.

The problem…my job requires me to give presentations. When I first started, it was a little scary, but not too horrible. Eventually I had to take a benzo before a big presentation.

My speeches had always gone really well. So it isn’t like I am freaking out on account of not being good at it. There is absolutely no logic involved in this problem.

I am pretty out going too. I crack jokes. I say interesting things. Who wouldn’t want to hear me speak!?? Me, I guess. Just me.

The situation

I recently returned to work after a long break. I am at a new location. I got away with no presentations for the first few months while I settled in, but in January…they came for me.

The anxiety was so bad that I urgently left the meeting a minute before my presentation so I could have a full blown panic attack in the basement bathroom. It was bad.

I talked to my counselor about this once. I told him it was so bad it felt like I was dying. He laughed and said, but did you die?

Look. Dude. I’m not afraid that the panic is going to literally kill me. It is definitely uncomfortable and feels like death, but that is not the fear.

The fear is that I will try to speak during this completely overwhelming physical response and either…the words won’t come out at all, or they will come out shaking and dripping with fear and everyone will be there to watch it happen. Me. Falling apart in slow motion. Tears welling up in my eyes. Breath, ripped from my chest.

Just sitting there prior to running out…my heart was pounding in my throat. My hands were sweating. My whole body was shifting for flight. My head was fuzzy. I kept thinking about how it was about to be my turn and my throat had already closed. What would I do?

So…

I have another presentation this coming week. How did I get through the last one? I talked them into letting me present on screen from my desk. But I kept my camera off and I sat in my office, doing everything to shake out nerves and get through it.

I gave my presentation, bent over at my desk. Pushing the words out of my mouth with all of my might. My voice was shaky, but nobody could see my contorted body as I struggled through.

I obviously can’t pull that particular spectacle off in person. And I can’t get permission to do it online again.

I am stuck. Just a few days away.

Hypnosis

With the rides, I was able to spend a week exposing myself to the situation. I can’t spend a week sitting in the meeting. Then standing. Then saying a word. And so on. Yea. Not happening.

Instead, I found a hypnotist on YouTube to help me envision the speech under hypnosis and work through it and think: “Fun. I am having fun. What a wonderful experience. I am so confident. Everyone loves hearing from me. This is going well. Fun.”

And honestly, I went into this thinking “hypnotism” was a fake scam and completely useless.

I am a skeptic and in the first few minutes of the video, as my mind kept jumping to that dreaded meeting room and my body began to contort and shake with fear and anxiety, I thought….yea this thing is not going to work. I am not going to be able to relax. The fear is too strong.

But. It started to work! I fell under. Body completely limp. And I was able to start the process of believing that I can do it.

Stay tuned

Alright folks. I am going in this week. Please wish me luck. I am going to do the hypnosis at least two more times. Plus keep up with the happy, happy, happy thoughts when I start to picture the process.

I will write the story of how it went in a few days.