I Tried Reducing My White Privilege: Confessions of a Privileged Child

Everyone deserves equal opportunities regardless of their background

Hi, my name is Joanna, and I am 26 years old. I would like to tell you a story of how I approached the undeniable tool that my family gave me without my consent: privilege. I happen to be mostly Caucasian, which is why it’s fair to refer to it as white privilege.

There are a lot of conversations nowadays about social inequality and the white privilege problem, and I agree this is something we should talk about more. We need to acknowledge this is a problem and take action. We need to provide everyone with equal rights and opportunities. It may sound naïve and Utopian, but I believe our society has come a long way, and we have made some progress. The progress should continue.

Please know that not everyone is happy about the privileges their family gave them. Some of us are trying to skew the results.

Prelude: Where is The Privilege Coming From

My family was never wealthy, but my parents put in a lot of effort to ensure financial and emotional stability in our lives. I didn’t have to worry about being hungry or affording the roof over my head as a child, which is a privilege on its own. My parents’ money didn’t have anything to do with me, and I never understood why people use the term “rich child.” The parents’ accomplishments don’t have anything to do with their heir; everything the kid may have gotten or inherited is entirely their parents’ money, not their own. I don’t think anyone has ever called me a rich child to my face — again, my family was not rich per se — but I would never consider myself that. I’m a regular person, and whatever my mom and dad built in their lifetime is solely theirs. I’ve been telling myself from a very early age I need to pave my own path from an early age.

I come from a fairly corrupt country, which means money solves many problems. You get decent healthcare and don’t have to worry about what might happen tomorrow — these are the two things I cared about the most. Walking into certain stores and not worrying about the price tags didn’t matter to me. I never cared for expensive items and shiny stuff. My parents raised me to value human relationships and connections, not money. By the end of the day, all I wanted was to spend some time with my mom and dad, not going shopping and wasting money on useless material possessions.

One of the hick-ups of living in a corrupt area is not being able to access numerous opportunities the same way others do. That is the case if you don’t have cash or connections. My parents were pretty good with both, and they aspired to give me many things in life.

“You don’t have to worry about getting the best grades. If you fail in school, I will pay for your grades,” — my dad would always say.

“You can try getting into the university on your own… But don’t worry, I have friends who can help you get in” — he would also add.

“You can spend some time at the uni if you want. But don’t waste it. Have fun for a year, and then I will pay someone to pass your exams for the next three years. In the meantime, I will find you a job. One of my friends with hire you. If they aren’t looking for an employee, they will create a position just for you” — that was another thing I would hear.

You might think these are unique opportunities someone would dream about. Well, that’s if you convince yourself that corruption, bribery and privilege are the currencies, and this is normal. It was never normal for me. And I never wanted any of this.

I never cared for expensive items and shiny stuff. My parents raised me to value human relationships and connections, not money.

No One Deserves to Have Everything While Others are Struggling

My only reply to my father’s statements above was always: WHY? Why does he have to worry about my education, my career and my success? Why does he feel like he has to hand me all of it on a silver platter? Why can I potentially get so many privileges I never even worked for, while there might be a lot of individuals who deserve it much more than I do? Why would I accept something I don’t deserve while others are being sacked due to the absence of corrupt means and connections?

Parents always try to give their children everything they can. They want to ensure we are fed, clean, safe, healthy and taken care of. But I could never accept their desire to gift me all the things I should be working towards on my own.

I was smart. I received good grades in school on my own, and they were enough to get into a nice university — no one needed to pay for that, because I accomplished it on my own. I intended to study in the afternoon, work at night and succeed on my own because no one should get ahead in life because they know someone or because cash is the king.

I Refused to Live Rent-Free

The best thing my parents have ever given me was the immigration visa. We packed our bags right after I finished school and moved to a first-world country that knows almost no corruption. Everyone has equal opportunities here, and even if someone has more than others, you still have a fair chance to succeed. My family was not well off or “rich” in any way anymore: we were on the same level as everyone, richer than some, poorer than others, but overall just regular people. Ironically, that was everything I ever wanted.

When I turned 18 and got my first full-time job, I refused to live rent-free at home. I declared that I make income now, and I can fully support myself from now one. My expenses list included:

• Half of the rent for the apartment we lived in (I had the smaller bedroom, but I didn’t account for that and still paid 50% of the rent bill).
• All my personal expenses, such as transportation, take-out food, clothes, and anything else I spent money on.
• Family expenses: all three phone bills, the Internet bill, partial payment for the family car insurance (I didn’t drive that car, but still paid for some of it), take-out food and coffee (although we rarely went out).

My parents would pay the other half of the rent, the home décor expenses and food — you might think it’s the most considerable expense, but we are quite frugal. There were times I needed a little bit of help due to school costs. There were also times when my parents were struggling, and I had to assume all the family expenses, including the entire rent, all the costs, all the unexpected expenses and anything that would come up — all while I was around 19. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds like — seriously, I can’t complain about it while living in a decent country with an excellent socioeconomic system. Sometimes your family helps you, and sometimes you help them out — this is life. I would, however, do my absolute best to almost never ask for help with my expenses.

I Refused to Accept Help with Tuition

I had to rehearse my speech where I tell my parents I won’t be accepting any financial support from them with tuition, living expenses while in school and any related costs. My dad is still slightly upset about it, and it’s been nearly ten years since I declared my financial independence and desire to be a self-made woman. He has always strove to take care of his baby girl and give me everything in life, so he wasn’t incredibly happy about my decision. But he respected it. And I know he’s incredibly proud, and even twice as proud since I did precisely what he has done while young: I started from scratch in a new city, without any connections or friends, and built something of my own. I took care of myself and accomplished something — no money can ever buy that.

It’s important to point out that some level of privilege is still there, despite my best effort. Not being homeless and not worrying about hunger, even in a shaky financial state, is a huge privilege. Living in a safe neighborhood and not worrying about my safety — an immense privilege. Having access to healthcare and knowing you can afford to buy medication and call the ambulance — privilege as well. Enjoying human rights and rarely being discriminated against (although sometimes I was) — an unspeakable privilege. I acknowledge that. I know I am incredibly lucky.

Being Humble is a Virtue

Look, I am not a hero for trying to minimize the privilege in my life. I’m a regular person. I’m not full of myself, nor do I see myself as an inspiration or motivation for others. I just noted the unfair treatment and power imbalance in society and did my best to remove myself from this situation. Again, no matter what I do, having pale skin and a cute face still represents a certain level of privilege. I consider myself a simple person who decided to make her own way in life while accepting very little help from others. I need to note that I don’t accept opportunities, such as job offers friends and partners, although that topic deserves a rant of its own.

I am doing my absolute best to be down to earth and humble. I’m not better than others who live rent-free at home, or who let their family cover their education costs, or anyone else. I don’t believe in comparing myself with others — nothing good ever comes out of it. And I would probably accept help if I was in a dangerous place financially and mentally: if I was at risk to be homeless and hungry, or if I got ill and had no emergency fund. I’m only human.

Ignorance is not Attractive

I will, however, admit that I don’t like hearing people brag about free rides. I’ve met folks who would say stuff like: “I live with my parents only because I don’t have to pay rent; otherwise, I would move out so fast. They are annoying” while rolling their eyes. Sorry, but I don’t think this is acceptable. If you choose to live rent-free — the privilege which many people don’t have — at least be appreciative of that. Also, you should live with your parents because you love them, not due to the free rent arrangement.

I do not talk about my expenses too often. Most of my close friends are aware of my agreement with my family, but others don’t have to. If it comes up in a conversation and I feel that it’s appropriate for me to share it — I do. Not every time, though, because some people react negatively. I’ve gotten angry reactions from those thinking I consider myself better than them. I do not. But they saw it as a personal attack against them and started attacking me instead — if you ask me, that makes no sense. But I’m a very calm and mature person. I don’t get into fights and arguments with others. Having that said, I try to bite my tongue most of the time.

I Encountered Criticism and Judgement from People

I am not sure why, but I met people who were scolding me about my dedication to becoming an independent person. Some suggested I should take advantage of “free money” — this is the exact quote — from my family. Others tried to convince me my parents are obligated to provide me with education, food and even pocket money. A friend of mine asked me in all seriousness how much pocket money I receive from my parents while in college — I was 24 at that point. I’m going to go on a limb here and say that expecting pocket money at that age is unusual, especially when most of us start working part-time and hustling when we turn 14 or so.

A year ago, I went out on a date with a guy who criticized my choice to live in my city. He bragged about his decision to move to another coast and be with his parents because “if I move in with them, I don’t have to pay rent anymore, and I can spend that money on myself.” For some mysterious reason, he thought the girls would find that statement attractive. For some other bizarre reason, he thought I would accept his offer to have casual sex with him for a few months before he moves away. That was a fun date — I might write a story about it soon.

No matter what choices you make, people would always judge you, even when you are trying to do something nice and smart.

I can earn more money in the future, but my intelligence, integrity, pride and sense of accomplishment are priceless.

I Would Do it Again

Out of curiosity, I recently calculated how much money I would have had if I allowed my family to pay for some of my expenses and education. I landed at between $125,000 to $150,000. Instead, I am currently paying off the $50,000 student loan debt I incurred after graduation college — in my defense, there is only $38,000 left! Had I chosen a simpler route, I would have invested all that cash into a diversified high-interested portfolio and grown it up to an even higher figure.

Well, this is not the choice I made. And I would do it all over again, had I faced the same decision one more time. I would like to think I can earn more money in the future, but my intelligence, integrity, pride and sense of accomplishment are priceless.

The Privilege is Still There, Whether I Like It or Not. But I Did My Best

Despite all my effort, I can’t deny having a certain level of privilege. I would have removed it all if I could. I wish we all had the same opportunities, regardless of where we come from and the socioeconomic status we identify with. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t work that way.

But I would like to think I did my best to reduce my privilege. And I will continue doing that in the future.