I Tried a Mystery Box of Sex Toys

Now I have to figure out where to store all this bondage gear

I loved buying surprise bags when I was a kid.

The ones that really stand out in my mind were from Ardene, a store that sells clothing and cheap jewelry to tween girls (sort of like a Canadian version of Claire’s or Justice). I’d put down five dollars for a small bag with an assortment of plastic jewelry and hair accessories.

It was always disappointing. I almost never wore anything that came in those bags. But it didn’t matter — I kept coming back for the thrill of the surprise.

Arguably, that was a waste of my money. But you’re supposed to buy experiences instead of things, right?

I clearly haven’t learned my lesson because a few weeks ago, I came across a company that sold mystery boxes of sex toys and I couldn’t resist buying one.

I have so few opportunities to get surprised now that I’m an adult. Most of my purchases are preplanned, thoroughly researched, and carefully calculated. I know exactly what I’m getting and the only thrill I get is when the FedEx guy delivers something I forgot I ordered.

But now I was going to get a legit mystery box — for grown-ups. No cheap jewelry. No hair bows that clip on weird. Just a bunch of stuff to help me have an orgasm.

It’s a genius concept, really.

Surprise!

The boxes came in five sizes, ranging from “Small” to “Mega Ultra Goliath.” That one costs $1,200 and although I was very intrigued by it, I couldn’t justify buying it (I love a mystery, but I’m not crazy).

So, I settled for the “Epic” box that promises at least 20 items. At $100, it’s still a bit of a gamble, but one I was willing to roll the dice on.

It’s an especially big gamble because the company I bought it from specializes in BDSM gear. So, instead of waiting patiently for a box filled with dildos, vibrators, strokers, and cock rings, I had to spend a couple of weeks wondering (and low-key worrying) about all the ways I might get tied up and abused. (Lovingly abused, but abused nonetheless.)

After a couple of weeks, the box showed up. It was a plain brown box with a label on the side that read “??? Epic Mysterious Box ???” Which is good because I’d rather the FedEx guy think I’m cavalier with money instead of a pervert. (Though yesterday he delivered a rather large package labeled “Personal Intimate Lubricant,” so I guess that cat’s out of the bag.)

When the kids were in bed, my husband and I sat on our bed and opened the box, eager to find out what our sex life was going to be like for the next few months.

The first two things I pulled out were lube (essential for any kind of fun) and a Vanilla Bondage Kit — two silk ties and a blindfold that came in a package that looked like a pint of vanilla ice cream. I love cute stuff and this was adorable. Two items in and I already loved this box.

Turns out they put the easy stuff at the top. Things got a little more extreme as we dug deeper.

Some of the stuff made us feel like noobs because we had to stare at it, turn it over, and try to figure out just what it was.

One item, I even had to look up on the website. Turns out it was a spreader bar. I had only seen those in movies, so I didn’t recognize it without a woman’s ankles strapped in.

A lot of the items were really exciting (once I figured out what they were, anyway). Mr. Austin and I have been playing around with some light bondage lately and I had a basic little set up: silicone cuffs, a blindfold, and a restraint system for the bed. But now we had more restraints, fuzzy handcuffs, and a tickler to add to our play.

A few of the items were pleasantly surprising. I’ve never used a paddle because they always seemed so intimidating. I assumed they would be too rough and intense for my delicate skin and wussy pain tolerance. But thanks to the Epic Mysterious Box, I’m now the owner of two paddles. I tested them on my hands and discovered that a gentle smack from one can feel quite pleasant. (I’ve yet to actually feel what it’s like to have one come down on my ass, but the weekend is just around the corner so I might get to solve that problem.)

And then we got to the stuff that was out of my comfort zone.

The nipple clamps felt way too pinchy for me, but they’re adjustable so who knows.

There was a collar with a chain leash that really put me off when I first pulled it out of the box. But then I put it on and came around to it really quickly. Once I was wearing it, I could see the appeal.

I can’t say the same for the ball gag, though. I tried it on very briefly but it just felt weird and uncomfortable. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get into that one. I’ll set that one aside until I’m ovulating and horny enough to try anything.

Live a Little

Getting a mystery box of sex toys was hella fun. Unboxing it with my husband meant we could get excited about all the stuff we wanted to try — and giggle about the stuff we’re not so sure about.

It’s also a really good way to boost a sex toy collection. As far as I’m concerned, you can never have too many sex toys (closet space permitting) and having some variety can keep you from giving yourself death grip, the way I did with my trusty go-to rabbit vibrator.

And if you don’t have a lot of experience with sex toys and don’t know where to start, a surprise box can be the perfect option. That was the case with me and BDSM gear. I wasn’t sure what to buy next and whenever I looked at stuff online, I would usually think “I have no idea if that would be fun or not.” Now, I get to find out.

I even discovered things I didn’t know were a thing. Like an open-mouth silicone gag shaped like lips, which I guess is for getting face fucked while looking ridiculous. But I’ve tried sillier things, so why not?

There’s a little bit of risk involved in buying sex toys blind. But you can still be creative with the stuff you’re not interested in using as intended. A flogger could be used to tickle. A paddle could be used over clothes. Or you could get blindfolded and try to guess what toy your partner is touching you with.

Plus, you just get to experiment. When Mr. Austin floated the idea of a collar and leash a few months ago, I gave him a firm “No thank you.” But there was one in the box, so now I guess I’ll find out what it’s like to crawl around the bedroom on all fours.

The only downside, really, is figuring out where to store all this stuff. I bought storage boxes I could slide under the bed to contain all of it. That should work, as long as my kids don’t go digging under there and start asking questions. I don’t mind sex toys pushing me out of my comfort zone sometimes, but that would be a little much.

Let’s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter (I won’t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)

❤ If you liked this post, you might also love: