SATIRE
I Tried 3 Side Hustles. Here’s What Happened $$$
Make it rain, bitch
Writing is an amazing gig, but we could all use a few more dollars, am I right? To make some extra money, I tested out 3 lucrative side hustles.
Here’s what happened:
Stripping
This seemed like a no-brainer — cold hard cash, exercise, free booze. Unfortunately, the job was not a fit. The manager of the establishment, BichoDoMato, had some critiques for me:
- “Your dancing is too robotic”
- “You look dead behind the eyes”
- “Your ‘Beer Me’ T-shirt and cargo shorts are not a seductive outfit choice”
- “The standard footwear is high heels, not Crocs”
- “Your song choice, ‘MMMBop,’ is not enticing for our clientele”
Sadly, I was let go. Hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes if you are considering this line of work.
Beekeeping
After exotic dancing failed, I weighed my options. I had already invested in my T-shirt/Crocs ensemble, so I needed a job where the same attire could be worn. It’s important to keep expenses low and profits high.
I tried the art of beekeeping, which also failed, unfortunately. On my first day, I angered the bees with my constant humming of “MMMBop.” When the winged beasts started to swarm, my Crocs really slowed me down. The bees even flew into the pockets of my cargo shorts! I ran and ran until I finally belly-flopped into my neighbor’s pool.
Luckily, the generous Michael Burg, MD (AKA Medium Michael Burg) treated my stings and severe allergic reaction free of charge.
Apparently, most professionals in this field wear beekeeping suits and boots to prevent stings. No problem though, mistakes are excellent teachers.
Contract killing
Two side hustles failed, but I am no quitter! We hustlers have to keep on hustlin’.
I decided to become an entrepreneur, so I opened my own hitwoman business. Did someone say “Girl Boss”?? Hell yeah! Purchasing a ski mask and a gun added to my expenses, but sometimes you have to spend money to make money.
This third side hustle was also a flop, I am sad to report. On Day 1, I followed my target, Mr. X, into a Taco Bell where I noticed he was also wearing a “Beer Me” T-shirt. This was such a coincidence I simply HAD to break protocol and speak to him. As I was showing him all of the pockets in my cargo shorts, my mask and gun fell out.
He shot me immediately.
The Hustle Lives On
I survived the gunshot wounds and left my business in the trusted hands of deranged killers Krystal Mossbarger, Amy Strommer and Kristine Laco.
I’m on the run now. Well, more like “on the limp” due to the shooting injuries. I can’t tell you where I am hiding out, but you know I’m scheming up my next side hustle!
I considered selling courses on How to Hustle, but even murderous outlaws have their standards.
Remember: Always “Bee” Hustlin’
Gunner Barrett’s mockery of courses is pure gold:
