I Took All Three COVID Vaccines At Once And Now I Can Levitate
Talk about social distancing!
This week I took the Pfizer, Moderna, and AstraZeneca vaccines. I am pleased to report that I remain COVID negative as of today’s test and also I can now levitate.
To be clear, I’m not a doctor and none of this is medical advice.
Please don’t read too much into my anecdotal experience. Just because I took all of the available vaccines at once in a Denny’s parking lot and instantly developed an immensely rewarding superhuman ability that made the risk worth it, doesn’t mean you will, too.
From a bird’s eye view (literally) I know the whole process can seem a little daunting.
While each shot has been rigorously tested for its ability to fight the coronavirus alone, I suspected that combining every commercially available vaccine could be medically helpful or, at the least, very cool. It’s common sense — the more medicine the better — and I have a common brain.
My hunch was correct.
Moments after my five-shot cocktail I was soaring through the air at forty-five miles per hour, high above the ground. Talk about social distancing!
Which reminds me of an important caveat:
Post-vaccination, it remains important to follow all applicable laws and health guidance in your area, even if you are technically an advanced life form who submits to no earthly authority. For instance, although I terrify my neighbor’s children with my nightly flyovers, I still wear my mask, if only to protect my face from the freezing high altitude winds I share with a family of Andean condors who are raising me as one of their own.
I do understand the importance of mass vaccination efforts to get us through this pandemic. In hindsight, I suppose I shouldn’t have hogged so many doses to myself.
Then again, I can get to the grocery store in two and a half minutes.