I Took a Vacation to my Past Life
How visiting my pre-pandemic life revitalized my sense of self
Last week, I drove 6 hours from Southern California to San Francisco.
This trip had been in the works for months. As soon as I left the city in March when the pandemic began, I had friends wanting me to return. But I was genuinely afraid to come back.
Not because of catching COVID. San Francisco’s strikingly low case numbers relative to other California counties (fewer than 8,000 reported cases since the pandemic began) prove that the mix of tech work from home privilege, aggressive shelter in place adoption, and mask-wearing really flattens the curve.
Instead, I was afraid of returning to the psychological state I was in when the pandemic started: severely depressed, genuinely afraid to leave the house, hopeless, restricted.
When the pandemic started, I was in a deeply dark place. I spent hours crying every day, opting to take work calls with the camera off and on-mute so I could sob my way through the workday. Naturally, my productivity tanked as I lost my motivation to live, let alone work.
It got to the point where my family was sincerely worried about my well-being. They decided to drive up last-minute one Sunday to pick me up and take me home.
Since then, I’ve had the privilege of living at home under the watchful eye of my mom. The suicidal episode faded away with love, care, and snuggles from my family dogs.
In the meantime, my room in San Francisco has been collecting dust and cobwebs while my two roommates benefit from the extra space in the fridge.
Every month, I made plans to come back up. But when the dates of my trips arrived, I got cold feet every time.
Last week, I finally took the plunge and returned to San Francisco. I decided I would be moving out of my apartment, so I needed to find a replacement tenant that my current roommates wouldn’t mind sharing germs with.
The experience was cathartic. Tasting that freedom again reminded me that even in the darkest of days, no situation is permanent.
Now that I’ve returned home, I feel refreshed, inspired, and productive.
As many college students and recent grads return home to save money or ride out unemployment, our ways of living are drastically changing. Instead of basking in the libery of young adulthood, we’re back in our childhood bedrooms.
If you’re a college student or recent grad living at home within driving distance to your pre-COVID city, I highly recommend going back to visit, even if it’s just for a weekend. Being immersed in my pre-COVID life revitalized my sense of self — I left the week feeling more like me than I have all shelter-in-place. Here are four ways visiting my pre-pandemic life helped my mental health:
1. I remembered how to have fun again
Since living at home, I have been heads down in my 9–5. Public relations is a demanding industry and I usually end my work day feeling productive but zapped.
After work, I typically just go for a walk and work on writing projects before it’s time to sleep. I look forward to getting to write in the evenings, but it’s not like I’m going out to hang out with friends nowadays.
While I was visiting San Francisco, I actually made plans after work. I had something to look forward to at the end of my workday that wasn’t just sitting in front of my laptop to write.
I drank with friends for the first time in months. We laid out at Dolores Park and had White Claws and listened to music and hung on to those fleeting moments of normalcy. We got food at restaurants I wanted to try. We walked around neighborhoods I know like the back of my hand.
For the first time in a long time, we laughed and commiserrated and shared a new experience. It felt really good to be alive.
2. I reunited with my community
Since moving 6 hours away from my life in the Bay Area, I’ve been relatively disconnected from my friends who live up here. We keep in touch via Instagram DMs and Snapchat, but depression makes it hard to text sometimes.
Admittedly, I’ve been avoidant of seeing people. Since I live with my 65-year old grandmother who has been chain smoking cigarettes since her days as a teenager in Soviet Hungary, I’m extra cautious about exposing myself to germies.
My once-dormant social anxiety is using this cautious attitude as a front. It’s easy to make excuses not to be social when it’s your moral obligation to stay at home!
Realistically, catching up with two friends over dinner and a bottle of wine at Dolores Park wasn’t too risky. I literally only leave my house to go for runs in the morning and pick up takeout. I’ve been staying at home, they’ve been staying at home — it was the safest encounter I was going to have (besides FaceTime, which feels more like a chore than socialization nowadays).
I’ve experienced COVID-induced loneliness firsthand. Time lays out the health consequences linked to loneliness, including dementia, depression, anxiety, self-harm, heart conditions and substance abuse. Regular socialization was a key coping skill in my mental health care regimen, and having it pulled beneath my feet when COVID hit sent me into a deep depressive spiral.
I’m not saying everyone should be galavanting around with all their friends, but reconnecting with a friend or two who have also been socially distancing after not doing so for over four months revitalized me with this sense of belonging.
I know my friends are always there and I feel their love when we do communicate, but connecting with them in person filled me with this warmth. Being around them, laughing, commiserating, making aspirations for the future together — these are all simple things I used to take for granted.
Seeing them again gave me hope for our future. We imagined fun things to do together once restrictions ease up. Even if these apirations don’t end up happening, it gave me something optimistic to hold onto.
3. I felt inspired by the place I live
After living at home in suburbia for the past four and a half months, I’ve come to accept my surroundings of cars, strip malls, and houses that all look the same. It’s a flat, grayscale experience that I dreaded growing up, but have come to appreciate during shelter in place.
But upon returning to San Francisco, I remembered what it was like to walk around my neighborhood and feel the energy of the city add to the spring in my step.
The crisp Bay Area air is electric. Inspiration is everywhere, from the murals of honey bears to the brightly colored and uniquely shaped Victorian homes.
People are youthful, ambitious, and creative. Everyone is figuring out their own definition of success. My friends are entrepreneurs, creators, activists — the type of people you walk away from conversations with feeling like I can do anything.
San Francisco isn’t a place you just live in. It’s a place you create your own experience through. Any opportunity you’re seeking already has a foundation here. All you need to do is bring your ideas to the table and run with them.
Being back in San Francisco made me remember that even though I’m away for now, a huge part of me is still here. The seeds I sowed are still growing, even if I’m not there to tend to them for a little bit. I’ll be back soon, when I’m ready.
4. I was reminded that there is a life beyond COVID
Being back in San Francisco, seeing friends and experiencing the city, helped put my future into perspective. Even though I’m physically in Southern California with my family, my community, work, and future are still in the Bay Area.
Life is in COVID is a lot like the movie Groundhog Day (or more recently, the Andy Samberg take on the trope Palm Springs which is really good btw). I wake up at the same time, do the same things, fall asleep at the same time, and time miraculously passes.
The days have already started blurring into one, and I keep a daily gratitude journal just to prove that I actually lived through the days that are flying by.
Returning to San Francisco threw a wrench in those routines. In a week, I made more memories than I had made in the past month. Every night, I fell asleep with experiences to hold onto.
These new experiences made me feel hopeful about my future. At home I try not to make plans beyond the weekend — I don’t know what curveballs our world will throw at me.
But back in San Francisco, the opportunities are endless. I can be anyone I want to be and imagine any future I want to have.
Even though I’m living at home and every day feels the same, returning to the city made me recognize that life wouldn’t be like this forever. COVID is blip in time, a piece of history we’re living through.
Freedom and excitement and young adult life are just around the corner.
COVID poses a unique set of stressors for young adults. We’re at the start of our careers, moving to new cities, and trying to find our place in the world. When the world as we knew it came to a halt, navigating this already-difficult transition period became 10x harder.
I acknowledge my privilege in having the opportunity to move back home. Many people don’t have this option, and I’m grateful I have been able to stay with my mom for the past four months.
Being at home has allowed me to check out emotionally. I wake up, embrace my routines, focus on work, then zone out in the evenings. I’m like a productivity robot.
But being back in my pre-pandemic city gave me that sense of me. My sparkle returned, I actually had things to look forward to that weren’t just making it to the end of the workday, rinsing, and repeating.
I remembered the foundations of a life I had created for myself.
So young adults, if you’re given the opportunity to return to your pre-pandemic college town or post-grad city, even if only for a weekend, I recommend you do so.
Obviously, don’t go romparooing with every person you know. Practice social distancing and wear a f*cking mask.
Remember, this is just a period in time. We’re going to make it through this stronger and more resilient. Adulthood is waiting for us on the other side. We’ll get to embrace it evenutally. But for now, we just need to hold onto what makes us us.
The future will be there, waiting.