Fact-Free GOP

I Took a Peek at Fox News: Spooky as Hell Over There on Earth 2

The fake climate crisis conspiracy, abortion tourism, and Joe Biden mastermind of a bribery scam earning millions! Yikes!

Tis the season to start thinking of spooky things. I love going to a haunted house or watching a scary movie.

However, there are limits to my bravery and limits to my tolerance of the horrific.

It therefore has been a long time since I have checked in on Fox News. I am always too scared to look. However, it has been a year since I was last there, and I thought maybe it was time to take another peek.

It was, of course, traumatizing.

I swear, they need to have some kind of warning graphic at the start of each primetime hour on Fox, just like horror movies on TV have a warning. “Viewer discretion is advised.” I mean, really, they should have warned me I was gonna get hit with a split screen of Rep. Chip Roy of Texas and Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida!!!

I watched Hannity’s show. Actually, I watched about 15 minutes of Hannity’s show. Like I said, there are limits to my bravery.

His opening monologue was on the “fake” climate crisis. He showed an image on the screen of the President of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, addressing the UN. Apparently, according to Hannity, Zelenskyy lectured the world on what Hannity termed the “so-called” climate crisis.

I blinked. I waited to hear a bit of audio from the speech to hear what Zelenskyy said.

Silly me. Why would Fox News let you hear what somebody actually said, when instead, Hannity can tell you what is really going on? Well, I didn’t get to hear what Zelenskyy said, but I will tell you what Hannity said:

“The Climate Cult needs a doomsday scenario to advance their radical goals. For them, this isn’t ultimately about a cleaner planet. Their goal is more government control over your life, a bigger share of your paycheck, a greater say in your decisions, more ownership of your property. In other words, socialism! The climate crisis is just a virtuous Trojan Horse for global collectivism.”

Uh-huh.

Next came a discussion of the failed vote in the House on a Department of Defense funding bill.

Actually, I should correct myself. Two errors in that sentence I just typed. First, a “discussion?” Naw, it wasn’t a discussion on Fox News. It was a word salad tossed by Hannity, Matt Gaetz, and Chip Roy that was largely beyond my capacity to follow (I don’t speak “Earth 2” so I need a translator). The second error in that sentence is that the vote wasn’t actually on a funding bill, but rather a vote to bring the funding bill to the floor for a debate.

Republicans voted against allowing debate on their own Defense funding bill and killed the bill! Their bill!

Wrap your brain around that one.

I tried really hard to follow what Gaetz and Roy were saying about it. I truly did try. But, after a couple of minutes, I felt like this:

Once I clawed my way back from falling off the cliff into insanity (a risk you take whenever you visit Earth 2), I did at least manage to take note of a few of the words being vomited out of the mouths of Chip and Matt, kind of like The Exorcist pea soup spew.

Here is what I can quote.

Rep. Chip Roy was angry at some fellow Republicans because:

“Today, we unfortunately voted down a Department of Defense appropriations bill that would have cut abortion tourism, cut transgender surgeries, and cut officers of diversity, equity, and inclusion.”

Uh-huh.

Oh, wait just a minute. Abortion tourism?! A woman member of our armed forces who gets raped and impregnated and whom the government then — oh so effing generously — pays for her Greyhound bus ticket so she can escape to a state where women can get healthcare … he calls that “abortion tourism!”

Hey Chip, did you know “witches” are real? Did you know we are getting royally pissed off at jackasses like you? We are consulting our spell books to see what can be done about misogynistic, transphobic, racist dickheads, pardon my French.

As for Matt Gaetz, it was extremely hard for me to concentrate on what he was saying. His face is more terrifying than Pennywise the Clown of “It” fame. Don’t dwell on the resemblance.

All I could gather from Matt was:

“I can assure you Speaker McCarthy deserves all the criticism and more because it was his fault … [blah, blah, blah] … McCarthy was not in compliance with his agreement to constrain himself to a top-line spending level that did not embrace Bidenism and Covidism (?) … [blah, blah, blah] … I don’t believe an 8% thirty-day cut would have yielded pragmatic reform … [BLAH, BLAH, BLAH]”

Happily, Hannity eventually cut off this blathering. Never thought I would be happy to hear Hannity’s voice, but yeah, it was a relief that Matt was cut off.

Hannity said some sweet and soothing words to both Chip and Matt, the usual hurrah-for-us spiel about how great it is that Republicans are standing in the way of those evil Democrats, and keep up the good work, yadda yadda yadda.

It was mildly amazing they were all so nice to one another. Word on the grapevine is that Chip absolutely hates Matt. Hannity probably does too. Well, all I can say to Chip and Hannity is take a number and get in line. Everybody in America would like to clock Matt across the jaw (well, except for maybe Rep. Bimbo, I mean Boebert; she might grope him if he plays his cards right).

I was only 10 minutes into the show, and already at my limit. Then I saw Rep. Comer, the guy who is gonna take down the “Biden crime family” and I lingered to hear what he had to say. I felt I should know what Comer claims he has as “evidence.”

I have heard a lot of information on all of the charges against Donald Trump. It is a lot, and I bet most Americans don’t have all the details, but I have been hanging on every word and every bit of legal analysis and play-by-play commentary on motions and appeals and filings.

I have been listening to Andrew Weissmann, a law professor at NYU; Joyce Vance and the SistersInLaw podcast; as well as Neal Katyal (who I have long admired for his insightful legal analyses, but my admiration went up several notches when I learned he also went to Burning Man).

It goes without saying that all of the info I have acquired about the case against Trump has not been given to Fox News viewers; they are totally in the dark, I’m sure.

It occurred to me, therefore, that maybe there were things about the Hunter Biden situation that I had not heard. So, I listened for a few minutes to Comer.

That was a mistake. I got nothing to quote from him. It was all bullshit, to use the formal legal terminology. Listening to his innuendo, insinuations, and slander of the good name of a largely good family — and emphasis on “large” family — was too much.

He really does say the whole family is involved and even went after a granddaughter of Biden, insinuating she was also a recipient of “shady” money gathered by criminal genius Joe Biden … who they also say is a tottering old man who is mentally incompetent. Make up your mind, ya idiots! He can’t be both at the same time!

Anyway, what a slimy little toad of a man is this guy Comer.

I mean seriously, have you noticed the resemblance? Below is a photo of Comer and a photo of a toad. You try and tell the difference between them.

Say, I wonder if my book of spells has one for turning the whole lot of them into toads? Hannity, Roy, Gaetz, Comer?

Well, one can dream.

So, my 15 minutes of viewing Fox News was enough for this year. Maybe I will check in for another 15 minutes next year.

In the meantime, it is the most wonderful time of the year for witches, so excuse me as I go celebrate the fact I live on Earth 1, where there are people who are kind, helpful, intelligent, tolerant, don’t have sticks up their asses, and above all, know how to have fun! Join me?

Postscript

After suffering 15 minutes of Fox, I switched over to MSNBC. I listened to Timothy Snyder, professor of history at Yale University, discussing Biden’s speech at the UN, the future of democracy, both abroad and at home, and he gave an analysis of the overall geopolitical implications of the importance of success for Ukraine, particularly as it relates to China.

I let out a luxuriant sigh. After this food for my brain (which went a long way to healing the dain bramage done by exposure to Fox) I then slipped out of my black dress and black pointed hat, tucked away my broomstick, and then curled up with a book.

I wonder if they even have books on Earth 2?