I told my wife we don’t have to be intimate ever again

I just told my wife that we don’t ever have to be intimate ever again.

Let me explain.

My poor wife has recently been going through a lot. I won’t share her struggles with the world, but it is important to understand that she has been stressed, anxious, overworked, and exhausted. We had planned a rare moment when we would have a break from the kiddos, and be able to enjoy a moment of intimacy. Before we were able to get such a breakthrough, my wife wanted to take a bath to soothe her soul. So she drew a bath, lit some candles, and relaxed.

The clock ticked on, and I wondered if she had fallen asleep. Then I got a message on my phone from my wife asking if it would be okay–after her bath–if we just gave each other massages instead. All of a sudden it hit me. “The poor thing!” I thought, “She is probably feeling guilty about not wanting to have intimacy with me!”

What a horrible thought.

Her exhaustion (both physical and emotional) was clear to anyone. To think that she would feel shame over her unwillingness to be intimate. To think that she–sweet heart that she is–would be so concerned about my feelings and well-being. How could such a rare and beautiful moment of love, joy, and intimacy turn into such a dark thing? How could her happiness be so impacted by such a simple thing? Did she not know that I feel it a privilege to spend intimate time with her? It hurt my heart to think that I might be the cause of her unhappiness. I care about her happiness far more than I will ever care about being intimate with her. Happiness after all isn’t what most of us think it is.

Happiness is acceptance and surrender.

Happiness isn’t the sex you extract. Happiness isn’t the piles of money you swim in. Happiness isn’t avoiding the cigarette, having the cigarette, the strength of your body, the curves of your hips, the shine of your hair, your health, being right, avoiding your in-laws, avoiding your boss, divorcing your wife, getting revenge, licking your wounds, or demanding that your wife be intimate with you. Happiness comes when we surrender; when we accept what is. If we try to avoid suffering, we find more suffering. If we chase our desires, we find more suffering. Suffering diminishes and happiness increases only when we accept that we can’t have our desires, and can’t avoid our suffering.

It makes me happy to love my wife.

I am happy to love my wife because another commonly unknown attribute of love is that love mirrors happiness. Love is a gift and an action. It is the giving of your time and yourself to another being. It is accepting who that other being is, and giving of yourself regardless. It is surrender to another’s needs, putting aside your own, while supporting them in theirs. It is mutual, and turns individuals into a community. It is acceptance and surrender. In short, love is just happiness (surrender and acceptance) with yourself and with others.

So I entered the bathroom.

I sat on the edge of the bathtub, where I found my wife weeping, and I said, “My love, I love you with all my heart, and we don’t ever have to be intimate ever again.” She was a little shocked by my comment, and in her silence I proceeded “You are not my sex toy. I didn’t marry you for your body. You are my best friend, my soulmate, my spiritual partner, and the love of my life. I support you, am here for you, and do not need to be intimate with you to continue in our love. I know you are struggling right now, and I give you complete permission to reserve intimacy as much as you want, and to have the endless right to deny your body whenever you choose. I love you, I support you, and I accept you exactly as you are.”

It appeared as though a great weight was lifted from her shoulders, she thanked me deeply, and after some more dialog, I left her to enjoy the rest of her bath.

While speaking with her she informed me that she was raised to believe that a woman should do anything and everything in their power to always please their husband, because if you don’t, you will lose him. I say if things are that one-sided, then let your partner go already. A loving partner will surrender to your needs, and accept you as you are.

Love the people you love.

Care about them.

Respect them.

Accept them.

Surrender.