I Thought You Were My True Love, but It Was Only My Reflection

A letter to my narcissistic Ex

I will never forget how I fell in love with you. The word love just doesn’t cut it, I worshipped you. I aspired to be like you because you were perfect.

The connection between us seemed unreal. Every time you looked at me with your intense eyes and that remarkable smile, I would have died to have you right there and forever.

I never knew I could feel so much attraction for one person. I loved every fibre of your body.

Just the melody of your voice sent goosebumps all over my body.

A single touch from your hands sent my mind racing. And all I could ever think about was you.

Your words and affection were my oxygen, I didn’t need anything or anyone else. People said that you isolated me, but I didn’t mind. You filled every role a human needs in their life.

You were my best friend, my lover, my partner in crime. You were my closest colleague, my mentor, the big brother and the father I never had. I remember admiring your face while you were sleeping. Happiness had never felt so real: How did I get so lucky?

I didn’t even mind that I wasn’t allowed to speak to anyone about us. After all, what did I care what the world knew or thought when my whole world revolved around you.

I did keep telling myself that you were wrong for me and it wouldn’t end well… but that didn’t stop me from falling deeper in love with you every day.

Your words and affection were my oxygen, I didn’t need anything or anyone else.

When I look back at our beginnings now, I can clearly see that you have always been abusive. Sometimes I wish I had paid attention to what my gut was saying while I was too busy swooning over your voice.

Yes, there were times I questioned your behaviour. Moments I couldn’t put my finger on the what but knew something was very wrong. But you will remember those better than I do. I was so confused, where you always knew exactly how to play it.

Your grip on me was a lot tighter than I ever cared to show. I would have never left you, I would have never stopped loving you.

Even when your image started to crumble. I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing. You were so perfect, I had to believe it was me.

And when you left for good, I know you said it wasn’t my fault. I know you didn’t directly blame me. You didn’t have to. The perception I had of myself was already ingrained in my mind.

I loved you like I never had anyone before. You already were my hero, what other role was there for me than that of the villain?

You already were my hero, what other role was there for me than that of the villain?

But every day is a school day. Since being released from solitary confinement, I have had many teachers.

Unlike in school though, I pay close attention to all the lessons and discoveries. I analyse us, you and myself. I need to get clear on everything that was and wasn’t between us.

Clarity can be difficult to find when the fog was so heavy and dense.

It’s been a long journey. And sometimes the term struggling doesn’t feel like it holds up to what I went through. But I know I had to go through it all, to recover everything that I didn’t know I had lost.

Some days I still cry myself to sleep, wishing nothing more than to hold you. Some days the memories crop up unexpectedly and overwhelm me. I can’t help it, when I see your face, I still remember how intensely I loved you. Maybe that will never change.

But I am not holding onto this feeling anymore. At least not for you. I have found someone else who deserved the tremendous amount of love I have to give all along. I have finally found the person I thought I saw in you, she has always been there. I can see now why I thought you were my soulmate: You were just a reflection.

I can see now why I thought you were my soulmate: You were just a reflection.

I know now, that all the great qualities I admired in you, were mine all along. And your actions that have caused me so much pain were driven by jealousy.

Jealousy of everything you saw in me and knew that you lacked.

I understand now why you cheated with so many women. It wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough, it was that deep down you knew I was too good.

I understand now why you were so controlling, you were afraid that I didn’t need you as much as you needed me.

I understand now why you were obsessed with finding a replacement, it wasn’t my flaws. It was my great qualities that scared you.

I know now that you didn’t dump me because you didn’t love me. You set me free because you saw how strong and independent I really was.

It’s been a long and painful process but I am starting to see the great qualities in me that you mirrored so effortlessly. You struggled to hold up pretending, while I just had to remind myself that I had always possessed them.

It’s been a long and painful process but I am starting to see the great qualities in me that you mirrored so effortlessly.

One by one I have broken down the memories of you that I still hold so fondly. One by one I have found the essence of the intense happiness I felt at the time.

It has always been me.

You showed me how funny, smart and attractive I am. You showed me how amazing it feels to love someone who seems just like me. Through you, I discovered the beauty of loving myself.

It’s been a long journey. One that was more of a rollercoaster ride than a straight forward path.

I am still travelling. Maybe I will never stop. But today I feel grateful.

I am grateful I had to crawl the road of recovery and everything I learned in the process.

I am grateful for all the wonderful people, old and many new friends, standing by the roadside to cheer me on.

I am grateful for the times we had together.

And I am grateful for the mirror you held so close to my soul, that I am finally able to see myself clearly

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