I Thought That When He Left The Pain Would Finally Stop
What are the signs of “Post-Narcissist” Stress Disorder?
The addiction ran deep and the moment he walked out of the door it felt like my whole body was burning.
I screamed for him the loudest I had ever screamed for anyone even though I knew that he was gone. He had discarded me, he had lied to me, he had just used me.
I had tried to end things but he had pulled me back in and it felt like he had won. He would never have let me have a clean break, he needed to have his way and come out on top.
I moved away and cut all contact. Life went on and I tried to forget everything.
You would think that would be the end. It was not the end, even though at first things were okay.
It didn’t hit me right away. It was over a year later once I was in a healthy functioning relationship when I felt like I was being haunted, and my emotions were going off the wall.
After doing some research I saw that I was displaying signs of a trauma disorder called Post Narcissist Stress Disorder (PNSD).
“Much like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PNSD is a condition that affects people who have been in a close relationship with a narcissist…. It could cause psychological trauma to the other person because narcissists are usually very manipulative and abusive.” — Royal College of Psychiatrists
Here are some signs that you may be experiencing PNSD if you have broken the ties with your abuser.
Your emotions are out of control.
Even if you had no history of depression, anger, or mood swings you are experiencing them now. If the relationship has gone on for years or decades then the survivor may have developed a mental illness from the constant abuse.
One of the times I spin out of control was at an engagement a few months ago when I felt like walls were closing in on me. I began crying for no reason and I had to go outside and call a close friend to calm down. It was the first time I’ve ever had a panic attack like that in public and it was absolutely humiliating as some of my boyfriend’s family saw me.
You can’t trust people and want to be alone.
Leaving an abusive relationship often leaves you wondering how you could have trusted someone and had it go so badly.
Being around people has come exhausting. You’ve begun to retreat from social situations and begin isolating yourself.
For me, I began hating going to events and had to psyche myself up to be social. I’ve always been extremely outgoing and may have been accused of trying to hog the spotlight in the past. This completely changed after leaving my abuser. I wasn’t myself and I found myself exhausted and unable to explain it to my friends that were becoming increasingly concerned.
You can’t get over your failures.
You were in a relationship with someone that made you only see the “bad” parts of yourself. The traits that made you the person you were would often be spun to seem like a curse rather than a blessing.
Every time you messed up in your abuser’s eyes you were punished and therefore, your self-confidence was crushed under their feet. Leaving your abuser isn’t going to instantly make the inner critic go away. It will be extremely difficult to silence the voice that is going to continue whispering lies in your ear.
You feel like it’s not over.
I kept having dreams about my narcissistic ex and when I told my therapist she said he was still a presence in my life. I kept having dreams that he was in the room with my new partner and me, but he would never say a word.
Even though I had moved away from him and no contact it didn’t seem to have made a difference. I couldn’t seem to shake the horrific memories from my head. I kept having flashbacks that my new partner would act the same way as my ex and ended up projecting anger and fear on him that he didn’t deserve.
You can get better.
It felt like I would feel the pain from my experience with a narcissist forever. There are scars, yes, but with self-care and learning to love myself it’s gotten better.
After working through things and allowing myself to feel the pain, it’s certainly helped in the healing process.
Remember that you are not alone in this even if you’ve been tricked into thinking that you are.
