I Thought I Would Give You A Call While Doing Every Obnoxiously Interruptive Thing I Can

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to Sasha. She’s trying to scream at the passing birds again. Sasha, if you keep doing that, I’m gonna take your toys away again. Yes, all of them. She’s such a hassle. Anyway, what was that about Ron passing away?</p><p id="af56">Well, that’s a sad mess. But you’ll have such good memories of him. You — oh, sorry. That’s the lawnmower. Yeah, we’re back at home now and it’s time to mow the lawn. I can hear you fine. We’re good. Go on.</p><p id="fbfc">Right, and you’re strong. You’ll get through this. Never mind that, it’s just the microwave. And the vacuum cleaner. And this door-to-door shrimp salesman. No don’t worry, I can hear you just fine. No thank you, I don’t care for any shrimp. Actually, tell me more about the ginger lime shrimp. But like you said, prayer really helps. Mable! Get down off the counter! Hold on a minute. Mable! Ma —</p><p id="435c">You there? Sorry. That was Mable deciding to sing “Let It Go” on the kitchen counter. We’re in the terrible threes. Was Preston that bad when he was that age? Really? Yeah, no, you can keep talking, I’m just putting this bed frame together. Just a few more dozen strikes with this hammer.</p><p id="1004">Continue. Sorry, that’s the AC unit. Well I’m right next to it at the moment. But yeah, that’s exciting about Peter starting his new job. You must be so proud of him.</p><p id="1bb7">Yeah? Well that’s really awesome. Sounds like he loves it there. I can’t imagine working in a place like that, though. I’d fi

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nd it irritating. Like with Jake, he always decides to clip his toenails while I’m trying to have a serious conversation with him. I just can’t tune out that atrocious clicking sound and have a dialogue with him at once. Know what I mean? Some people can be so rude!</p><p id="98ff">Yeah, but you two are made for each other. And it sounds like Pete’s really looking after his health, which is good. Wow, this crowd is hype tonight. My bad, I’m just pulling up to this One Direction reunion tour concert. I’ll call you when I’m inside.</p><p id="0d94"><b><i>More from Caleb Coy:</i></b></p><div id="a185" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-have-the-talk-with-your-child-about-weinerville-ee95f65b8850"> <div> <div> <h2>How To Have “The Talk” With Your Child About Weinerville</h2> <div><h3>Sooner or later, they’ll find out if you were weinerized.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*pgzUHbAESJBDKbFpy4E6PQ.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="589a"><b>Follow Slackjaw on <a href="https://facebook.com/SlackjawHumor">Facebook,</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/SlackjawHumor">Twitter</a>, and <a href="http://instagram.com/slackjaw_humor">Instagram</a>.</b></p></article></body>

A Transcript

Hello? Hello? Are you there? Hold on. Let me put you on speaker. Yeah, sorry, I’m getting in the car and the door ajar signal is going off. Anyway, how are you? I finally had some downtime and wanted to check in and see how you were doing with the car window down as I roll through Main Street during the heavy construction for that new subway station.

Uh huh? Uh huh? That’s great! Well I’m glad that you and Molly are finally — hold on, that’s Snickers you hear barking in the back seat. I’m taking her to the vet. She’s got these intestinal worms that have been bothering her. Snickers! Pipe down! I’m on the phone! She is such a little pest sometimes. Oh, it’s no problem. It’s just the coal train up ahead. So what about Peter? What’s with him?

Aww, poor Peter. I can just imagine how stressful that is for him. That noise? Oh, it’s just a bag of Bugles corn chips I’m munching on with the phone next to my mouth. Go on.

Mmhmm? Mmhmm? Quit that! Oh, not you. That was — I’m talking to Sasha. She’s trying to scream at the passing birds again. Sasha, if you keep doing that, I’m gonna take your toys away again. Yes, all of them. She’s such a hassle. Anyway, what was that about Ron passing away?

Well, that’s a sad mess. But you’ll have such good memories of him. You — oh, sorry. That’s the lawnmower. Yeah, we’re back at home now and it’s time to mow the lawn. I can hear you fine. We’re good. Go on.

Right, and you’re strong. You’ll get through this. Never mind that, it’s just the microwave. And the vacuum cleaner. And this door-to-door shrimp salesman. No don’t worry, I can hear you just fine. No thank you, I don’t care for any shrimp. Actually, tell me more about the ginger lime shrimp. But like you said, prayer really helps. Mable! Get down off the counter! Hold on a minute. Mable! Ma —

You there? Sorry. That was Mable deciding to sing “Let It Go” on the kitchen counter. We’re in the terrible threes. Was Preston that bad when he was that age? Really? Yeah, no, you can keep talking, I’m just putting this bed frame together. Just a few more dozen strikes with this hammer.

Continue. Sorry, that’s the AC unit. Well I’m right next to it at the moment. But yeah, that’s exciting about Peter starting his new job. You must be so proud of him.

Yeah? Well that’s really awesome. Sounds like he loves it there. I can’t imagine working in a place like that, though. I’d find it irritating. Like with Jake, he always decides to clip his toenails while I’m trying to have a serious conversation with him. I just can’t tune out that atrocious clicking sound and have a dialogue with him at once. Know what I mean? Some people can be so rude!

Yeah, but you two are made for each other. And it sounds like Pete’s really looking after his health, which is good. Wow, this crowd is hype tonight. My bad, I’m just pulling up to this One Direction reunion tour concert. I’ll call you when I’m inside.

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