I Think I’m Going To Get Fired Any Day Now…
Because as a Black woman in a white world, I am told I don’t know my place
“Hush hush, you’re talking too loudly”, my white boss said.
I didn’t think that I was, but I lowered my voice almost to a whisper. He seemed content. He had given me a direct order and I had obeyed.
I was finally beginning to know “my place”, he must have thought to himself.
The discussion continued, the partners in front of us were talking about a subject I was passionate about, how to deliver access to health to underprivileged populations.
The white lady in front of me had made a comment that piqued my interest, I wanted to ask her a clarifying question. I looked over at my white boss. How would he take it if I asked a question that showed that I was maybe more knowledgeable than him, more experienced?
Would he take it badly? Would he then retaliate by removing me from the project? I mean, it had happened before. I was treading on eggshells when I was around him.
I had to re-think, overthink, over-analyze, I couldn’t be seen to be upstaging him or overshadowing him in any way. I had to know my place, but it was untenable for me to sit beside him and not say a thing when the subject was of such deep interest to me.
In the past, I had tried to sit beside him like one of those little pet show dogs — quiet and well-behaved and agreeing with whatever he said, never contradicting him ever. I had tried to be the subservient, token Black woman.
“Be pretty, be Black, and shut up”, I kept repeating to myself. It didn’t work, I guess I didn’t have it in me.
The conversation continued and in my head, I was re-phrasing my questions and strategically planning when to say something so he didn’t feel undermined.
It was hard, my entire body was tense, my fight or flight response ready to kick in. I was stressed out, I felt uncomfortable, I felt silenced, and I could hardly breathe.
I needed this job yet I didn’t know how to manage my white boss's fragile ego. The people across the table asked a question. I looked across at my boss, expecting him to respond or if he couldn’t, hoping to get his approval before responding.
He looked away arrogantly.
The people stared at me, it became awkward. I perfectly knew the answer to the question they had asked me. I had worked in public health for close to twenty years. I knew the response like the back of my hand, but I was afraid to answer because I would have upstaged my boss. There was silence. I decided to answer.
I couldn’t not ever talk or engage because my insecure white boss was by my side.
I took the plunge, I answered the question. They had asked about the types of projects we fund and the budget enveloped. How much money would we put into such a project? I mentioned a number and he jumped in just after and contradicted me, telling them that the budget was open.
He went against what we had discussed as a team, out of spite and to make me look bad.
I didn’t feel humiliated, I was used to this. That was a pattern he had with me.
Deep inside, I just felt sad. I had woken up at 3 am that morning like so many other mornings just to come to work because I wanted to work, I wanted to do a good job, but he wouldn’t even give me that.
Why didn’t I know that my role as a Black woman was to “shut up”? He was a white man, he was better than I was. In no way should anyone ever believe that I could do a much better job than him.
For months and months, I had tried to live alongside my white boss, to not antagonize or anger him. At that meeting, I realized that I had lost the battle. For him, I was the enemy, the threat. He had long ago decided that he didn’t want me on his team, and now he had to find a way to get rid of me.
I felt like I was looking down the barrel of a gun at this point. Each day I woke up expecting that call from him or the HR folks. I knew it was no longer a matter of if, it was a matter of when.
I realized that the only reason that I was in this situation, was because I was a Black woman, a competent one, who refused to take the place that a racist, sexist white man had assigned to her: that of never shining, ever.
I still have mouths to feed, and maybe not knowing my place will cause my downfall, but at least I know that I will always be able to look at myself in the mirror.
Thank you for reading my perspective.