I Think I Sacrificed A Lot For Christianity

A bold look at my return on investment for this religion

I think my belief system needs a magic resize and “retouch” like the Canva tool. I’ve just been reflecting a lot on what I’ve gotten in return for believing in Jesus and the picture does look a little scary once examined.

Before I was even “saved”, I wanted to know God. I was younger than 13 and was drawn to the red New Testament book my grandmother had. The one separated from the risqué Harlequin novels in her woven basket next to her bed. I was attracted to the red cover and did not know that a couple of years later I would be in a full blown love affair with God and his son Jesus.

Let me explain something to you: when a person is first saved, every dream is a good dream. You blossom, you are giddy and you make new friends. It’s a relationship — in fact, many Christians will tell you that this is not a religion per se, but a personal call to Christ.

For teenagers who are in the fold, this can be a double edged sword. For me, when I was in high school, I realized that the people who were bullies or arrogant, could be sons and daughters of Satan. This explained a lot and released a burden. I had Jesus to go to when Dad and I would argue. Sometimes he and I argued about me attending church.

This was because I was serious about it. I did not grow up in a religious, church going family. Eventually my father rededicated his life to Christ and I saw the strength and the changes in him…before he passed away.

That is the thing about being in love though. Love grows stale sometimes, you learn the truth about each other and you really find out who your lover is when your own back is pressed against the wall.

Over the years I’ve witnessed too many of my loved ones dying. Either from extreme poverty and drugs, or in the case of dad — cancer. When my husband and I lost our place and had a few years of financial woes, even though he was still working, I questioned: Where is this God I sacrificed a lot for?

I may not have been nailed to the cross like his son, but there are people being martyred in pretty much the same way over a 2,000 year old book of scrolls. There are children born in pain and dying. There are people who dearly love God and show that by putting away the porn, feeding the needy, getting married and putting away their doggish ways(some of them anyway).

Then you have those like me who choose to love “everyone” no matter how they treat me. Choosing to still pray over my meals and enemies, believing FORGIVENESS is the highest good, and live by the Scripture that says “everything is BLESSED” or “Don’t worry about what we should eat”

In the process, I ended up with diabetes from this BLESSED food, and good ol’ genetics.

In the process, I still lost my father who loved the Lord.

In the process I still don’t see miracles. I am still hanging on by a thumbnail at my stupid job. I still connect with people who are sweet, but because they practice a different religion, I am supposed to believe they will meet their doom in the lake of fire(?)

I know what you’re thinking.

What’s the catch?

If this religion has served absolutely zero purpose, then sticking with it would be insane!?

It’s like having your first love (which was how a former church friend explained it to me). You know you are being done wrong, but you stick with the person because of all the “good times”, familiarity, and most of all — FEAR.

It’s akin to an abusive relationship and I hate to describe it this way, but when you notice that something is not working for you and continue to stick with it, it makes you a bit crazy.

To make myself less crazy I imagined a few scenarios. Namely those involving God:

Perhaps, like the deists believe, he “wound up the clock” and left. Which actually explains an awful lot. I still believe in intelligent design because it makes perfect sense out of any other alternative. So yes, God definitely designed the world, but I don’t think He/She is a very active participant in it. There are too many flaws to list here.

Perhaps God is active, but I’m not viewing his activities under a microscope. Perhaps the miracles are microscopic in nature. I am blind to the tiny miracle that my diabetes could be considered a blessing if I make a mental shift and start eating better. This disease is helping me eat better(?).

Perhaps I can be like the agnostic and just have peace in knowing that I don’t know. I know there are evidences and counter-evidences for the belief in God, but should I worry over that? Shouldn’t I practice just living my life and be good to others? This is a very attractive idea. I think I side with the atheists sometimes too,because I am surrounded by a physical world that constantly lets me down and is chaotic with order at best.

I am not deconstructing my belief system[ — at least I don’t think I am. These are just thoughts I’ve been having since my diabetic diagonosis. Some people say diabetes is the fault of my own. I see the comments online about us. What they do not know is that it is a “hormone” problem, not a “can’t stop eating” problem.

God only gave us a finite set of beta cells to work with. These cells should be able to tackle any carb and sugar we put in our gut. God is great, right?

Even healthy foods like apples, or even honey, or a heart healthy oatmeal shouldn’t spike sugars, but it does. This is why those who pick on diabetics don’t realize that the carbs they eat, are immediately regulated because that is what a body should do. I shouldn’t have to decide whether fruit will spike my sugars or not. Isn’t fruit from God? It’s not freakin’ candy!

The scary fact is, I think diabetes will kill the world slowly. The scary fact is that our bodies were only given a certain limit for a certain time while being placed in a land of plenty. Type 1 diabetics have an even scarier story because Type 1 affects children mostly. Meaning they are BORN with a banged-up pancreas. How cruel is that?

With all these thoughts, it has prevented me from lifting up that bible for a while. I need things to make sense to me. I need the math to start mathin’ but I don’t see that happening for a long time.

Thank you for reading!