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Abstract

ey call it <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-december-mwc-767c4a420edb">the MWC</a> — and maybe, who knows, <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-mwc-acceptance-speech-bad4e2638557">winning</a>. My wife laughed so hard that she spit up her Cheerios on the floor.</p><p id="bcce">Not gonna lie — my ego took a blow.</p><p id="e55f">Luckily she had some gallivanting around the state planned for the rest of the day, so she didn’t see me rage-throw the ugly plates my mother-in-law had offered us for our tenth wedding anniversary three years ago.</p><p id="b1c2">Ugly and extraordinary plates, really. Hand decorated with intertwined patterns of swivels and hemorrhoids, gallivanting all around the borders. I could admire them for days at length, in a schadenfreude way. Nothing like the pablum you find in shops.</p><p id="f60d">On a side note, we have a problem because my mother-in-law’s coming to us for Christmas this year and she loves to see her plates on the table for the occasion. Maybe she’ll be glad to learn that I managed to make a swivel using two of her plates and half-chewed Cheerios as glue?</p><p id="c375">I think it was quite artistic for an engineering masterpiece. I even posted a do-it-yourself video on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CNajIfwn_uD/">my youtube channel</a>. <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-carpet-salesman-f6f2deddfef">A bit of showing off</a> never killed anybody, right? All my followers liked it. Except for my mother-in-law.</p><p id="a266">Wait! I have an itch she might be the one who unfollowed me.</p><p id="8a17">Let me check.</p><p id="8820">Nope. All good. It’s just one of my hemorrhoids.</p><p id="7f45"><i>W

Options

ith thanks to <a href="undefined">Susan Brearley</a> for the December MWC</i></p><div id="3bca" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-december-mwc-767c4a420edb"> <div> <div> <h2>The December MWC</h2> <div><h3>That Pays the Big Bucks</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*oW6G_P0DbxG_ygsz4D42CA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="5747">and to <a href="undefined">Andrew Rodwin, Emoji Whisperer</a> for the inspiration I got here:</p><div id="36e5" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/two-hemorrhoids-walk-into-a-bar-b0fcc46952b7"> <div> <div> <h2>Two Hemorrhoids Walk Into a Bar</h2> <div><h3>Is that a hemorrhoid in your pants or are you just glad to see me?</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*OcChGCkA_RpFMfjRntol6w.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="4c7c"><i>Smillew is a Medium writer who regularly scratches his hemorrhoids, his <a href="https://smillewrahcuef.medium.com/subscribe">Medium newsletter</a>, and his <a href="https://smillewrahcuef.medium.com/membership">Medium referral link</a>. No need to follow him; he’ll show up in your feed.</i></p></article></body>

Parental Advisory Explicit Pablum

I Think I Lost a Follower Yesterday

Or was it a hemorrhoid?

This is Smillew, live from the kitchen where I’m eating Cheerios directly from the floor. I don’t have a streaming Twitch account for you to watch me write, but you can easily imagine that I’m scratching my hemorrhoids in between bursts of creativity.

By the way, if there are any topics you would like me to write about, I don’t know, like gallivanting or swivels, subscribe to my newsletter and shoot me an email; I’ll consider it. Or simply cancel your membership and use my referral link to re-subscribe. All my referred members get priority treatment and a free article on the topic of their choice.

Speaking of which, let me come back to the topic of this article and share some more pablum with you.

Wait!

Scratching another hemorrhoid now. All right. I’m back.

Big quote with big words.

Famous Person

So. Yesterday at breakfast, I was telling my wife about this writing competition I’m entering — they call it the MWC — and maybe, who knows, winning. My wife laughed so hard that she spit up her Cheerios on the floor.

Not gonna lie — my ego took a blow.

Luckily she had some gallivanting around the state planned for the rest of the day, so she didn’t see me rage-throw the ugly plates my mother-in-law had offered us for our tenth wedding anniversary three years ago.

Ugly and extraordinary plates, really. Hand decorated with intertwined patterns of swivels and hemorrhoids, gallivanting all around the borders. I could admire them for days at length, in a schadenfreude way. Nothing like the pablum you find in shops.

On a side note, we have a problem because my mother-in-law’s coming to us for Christmas this year and she loves to see her plates on the table for the occasion. Maybe she’ll be glad to learn that I managed to make a swivel using two of her plates and half-chewed Cheerios as glue?

I think it was quite artistic for an engineering masterpiece. I even posted a do-it-yourself video on my youtube channel. A bit of showing off never killed anybody, right? All my followers liked it. Except for my mother-in-law.

Wait! I have an itch she might be the one who unfollowed me.

Let me check.

Nope. All good. It’s just one of my hemorrhoids.

With thanks to Susan Brearley for the December MWC

The December MWC

That Pays the Big Bucks

medium.com

and to Andrew Rodwin, Emoji Whisperer for the inspiration I got here:

Two Hemorrhoids Walk Into a Bar

Is that a hemorrhoid in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

medium.com

Smillew is a Medium writer who regularly scratches his hemorrhoids, his Medium newsletter, and his Medium referral link. No need to follow him; he’ll show up in your feed.