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Abstract

d forth in a catatonic state holding my head saying it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok over and over.</p><p id="94ee">Then I stop and I start to think… “wait, this is what crazy people do.”</p><p id="69ad">I have to lock myself in a room away from my children so they don’t see me lose my fucking mind. I feel guilty feeling this way because I can’t afford to wallow in misery because I have kids that look up to me.</p><p id="d211">But some days I get giddy haha happy for no reason. My mind is telling me things like:</p><ul><li>you look amazing</li><li>you are so lucky</li><li>you are such an amazing writer</li><li>it feels so good to be alive</li><li>I’m so great</li><li>I dance in the mirror and invite my family to play music.</li></ul><p id="72c6">Then I wake up a couple of days later and feel like shit again. I’m a bipolar Gemini. Which makes me doubly fucked up. The light and dark twin within makes it really exhausting to be me. Maybe I should jump up and down on my trampoline and scream la,la la,la at the top of my lungs.</p><p id="012c">I tried medication and it made me fat, more depressed and sucked up all my creativity.</p><p id="a8ed">Then there is the other thing.</p><p id="b909"><b>The ADHD</b></p><p id="b957">I have panic attacks when I look at my messy room. There are piles of shit everywhere.</p><p id="2500">I’ve always struggled with forgetfulness and disorganization of my time and space. I was bad at school, always late to appointments, paid little attention to detail. I usually have a messy environment and trail off into whole conversations with myself while people were talking to me. I get bored easily</p><p id="1bfd">I feel like a wonderful lunatic at times when I like my crazy and a fucking hot mess when I can’t stand my lunacy. Hmm, Is it the moon? It’s a

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full moon today, I have no idea and I have no fucking idea how my family puts up with me.</p><p id="e808">My house is messy but I heard a psychologist, Jordan Peterson saying clear your room to clear your mind.’</p><p id="bd19">Peterson says:</p><ul><li>There is no difference between a messy house and a messy mind.</li></ul><p id="4786" type="7">If you want to organize your psyche you can start by organizing my room- Jordan Peterson</p><ul><li>Look around for something that bothers you and fix it.</li><li>Ask yourself if you wanted to spend 10 minutes making this room better, what would you have to do?</li></ul><p id="850e">Asking that question bores the fuck out of me already. Perhaps I’m avoiding the mess. I don’t know.</p> <figure id="3516"> <div> <div> <img class="ratio" src="http://placehold.it/16x9"> <iframe class="" src="https://cdn.embedly.com/widgets/media.html?src=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fembed%2F8ftL4WDGuGM%3Ffeature%3Doembed&display_name=YouTube&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D8ftL4WDGuGM&image=https%3A%2F%2Fi.ytimg.com%2Fvi%2F8ftL4WDGuGM%2Fhqdefault.jpg&key=a19fcc184b9711e1b4764040d3dc5c07&type=text%2Fhtml&schema=youtube" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" width="854"> </div> </div> </figure></iframe></div></div></figure><p id="aef5">What I do know is that I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar and ADHD at two separate times. At this very moment, I’m anxious when asking myself ‘what I would have to do to make my room better.</p><p id="6de7">Jorden Peterson had a simple answer to that.</p><blockquote id="5ef0"><p>Start where you can start</p></blockquote><p id="78a8">Let's see how it goes.</p></article></body>

I suck

Living with bipolar and ADHD without medication

The cover photo is of me in a manic state of feeling absolutely happy and loving myself. I hate myself right now or maybe I’m totally happy and I’m looking for problems to fix. If so, I’m a pathetic person at this very moment. I’m not sure.

It’s exhausting being me. I feel everything so intensely and get OBSESSED over the smallest thing. My own brain drives me crazy but my husband says it’s not insanity… it’s the fact that I have a big heart. Aww, I hope he’s right.

I’m Bipolar

The worst part of being bipolar is that there is no rhyme or reason for my mood swings.

I usually write about how to fix your mindset because my mindset is so fucked up, I think I’m the best person to give advice about it. (HA! that's a laugh)I can’t stand the negative things the voice in my head is telling me most of the time.

It’s telling me:

you are full of shit
your writing sucks
what is the point of living
you are such a hypocrite
you have no idea wtf you are doing
you look like shit

It’s like I’ve lost the key to this dismal, dark house called my brain and I can’t get out. Those voices in my head won't shut up and it’s driving me insane. When I pour booze down my throat, it doesn't work, it gets worse.

So I suck on a vape like a pacifier thinking the nicotine smoke I inhale would give me the answer. It doesn't. Sometimes I rock myself back and forth in a catatonic state holding my head saying it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok over and over.

Then I stop and I start to think… “wait, this is what crazy people do.”

I have to lock myself in a room away from my children so they don’t see me lose my fucking mind. I feel guilty feeling this way because I can’t afford to wallow in misery because I have kids that look up to me.

But some days I get giddy haha happy for no reason. My mind is telling me things like:

you look amazing
you are so lucky
you are such an amazing writer
it feels so good to be alive
I’m so great
I dance in the mirror and invite my family to play music.

Then I wake up a couple of days later and feel like shit again. I’m a bipolar Gemini. Which makes me doubly fucked up. The light and dark twin within makes it really exhausting to be me. Maybe I should jump up and down on my trampoline and scream la,la la,la at the top of my lungs.

I tried medication and it made me fat, more depressed and sucked up all my creativity.

Then there is the other thing.

The ADHD

I have panic attacks when I look at my messy room. There are piles of shit everywhere.

I’ve always struggled with forgetfulness and disorganization of my time and space. I was bad at school, always late to appointments, paid little attention to detail. I usually have a messy environment and trail off into whole conversations with myself while people were talking to me. I get bored easily

I feel like a wonderful lunatic at times when I like my crazy and a fucking hot mess when I can’t stand my lunacy. Hmm, Is it the moon? It’s a full moon today, I have no idea and I have no fucking idea how my family puts up with me.

My house is messy but I heard a psychologist, Jordan Peterson saying clear your room to clear your mind.’

Peterson says:

There is no difference between a messy house and a messy mind.

If you want to organize your psyche you can start by organizing my room- Jordan Peterson

Look around for something that bothers you and fix it.
Ask yourself if you wanted to spend 10 minutes making this room better, what would you have to do?

Asking that question bores the fuck out of me already. Perhaps I’m avoiding the mess. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar and ADHD at two separate times. At this very moment, I’m anxious when asking myself ‘what I would have to do to make my room better.

Jorden Peterson had a simple answer to that.

Start where you can start

Let's see how it goes.